Posted by catmint on November 26, 2002, at 0:54:02
I have been depressed off and on since I was 10. I am currently BP2 but in my early 20s, I was severely manic and was hospitalized once due to a psychotic episode induced from a poisonous mushroom-amanita muscaria (I know that is wierd, but some guy just popped in my mouth and I was drunk). Well, to make a long story short, I couldn't sleep for 5 days, was hallucinating, delusional, finally complete panic and tried to commit siucide, and ended up in the emergency room. The ER doc made that funny circular motion next to his head, you know the one that signifies "crazy" and basically said that my liver recieved a sort of blow and I would be fine,just don't take any sleeping pills and I was sent home. Noone, including myself knew I was bipolar. I fled the next day and recovered at a friends house, when the manic side of me kicked in and I was so called "fine."
For the next ten years, I cycled in and out of moods, and it was only after the birth of my son that a heavy depression made me seek treatment. Up until then, I was mostly manic, with short depressions, and nagging, irritable, hostile mixed states.
Now my son is ten, precisely the same age when I first became depressed following a sexual abuse incident by my father .I know, this is quite personal to divulge this to all of you but I have been posting for a couple of months now, and I feel safe enough. It is linked to my depression.
I am now the most depressed I have been, with frequent thoughts of death, anxiety, irritability, crying spells and lately,fits of rage and that, "I'm about to lose it, "nervous breakdown" feeling.
Yes, I am a mess. I am on Depakote (125mg.) Some of you might tell me to raise the dose, but I think it makes me more depressed and I am considering ditching it. I tried Prozac *again* and became "unglued" (as our friend Colin says). A lot of you might respond with what works for you and that is fine, I like hearing peoples stories.
My main question is , Does long term hard to treat depression become worse and worse and one day I will end up withered and sad in a hospital unable to speak? ( Now my anxiety is kicking in). Can long term depression cause other nuerological problems like alzheimers or amnesia.? Please help anyone, I am worried about myself. I am a sweet, loving person and I must be doing something wrong to still be depressed after all this time.
BTW here is what I have tried: Lamictal(got a rash), All SSRIs, and fish oil.
Thanks to all,