Posted by tai on October 12, 2002, at 22:14:50
** I just realized how long this thread is, I hope somebody can make it all the way through**
Hello everyone,
I have been scrolling through and reading alot of these threads, to see what people have and still are going through. I don't know what I am expecting to find; inspiration, confirmation, similarities to my own experiences...
I have so many questions that only time will tell, but I hope my story will provide some answers to some people.
I suffer from severe depression, vegetative depression as my doctor offers, and also a high state of anxiety. For years I rode a roller coaster of emotions, from soaring highs to crushing lows. Throughout those years there was a steady inflow of illegal drugs into my system which allowed me to escape from my reality. At a certain point the drug use got out of hand and I realized I had to stop before it consumed me.
About 2 months after I stopped the drug use I found myself on a steady descent into that awful black hole of hopelessness that is my depression. I was living in a constant state of anxiety and could not even muster a smile. I dropped out of college and quit my job. I didn't understand what was happening to me. My mind was out of control and felt like a separate entity to my body. It felt as if my mind was pushing my body to take my life, like that was the only option I had. I stopped sleeping for weeks, and on one of those sleepless nights, I made my way to the local greyhound and bought the first ticket out of town. I cashed out all of my credit cards and embarked on a journey that would take me from one small town to another all the way across the country. I felt as if I was running from death. If I stayed anywhere too long I was going to kill myself. Eventually I ended up deep in Mexico. I had not talked to my family or friends for over a month, and no one knew what had happened to me. I was running low on cash and had to face my destiny soon.
Somehow I realized that I didnt want to die, I wanted to enjoy life. I just didnt know how, but I knew I needed help. I used my frequent flyer miles and got a plane ticket back home. weeks later when my friends and family asked me where the hell I was, I nonchalantly told them I had gone to mexico. Nobody quite understood what happened including myself.
Jesus, I think I need to condense this story a little...
Anyways, began taking zoloft; 50mg at first and eventually up to 200mg. Somewhere through all the thick haze of unhappiness that I was bogged down in I saw a light, and I slowly got on the long difficult road towards the light. The first 2 months was quite a strange trip. As my body adjusted to this new drug I went through all kinds of uncomfortable side effects. Mostly that spaced out feeling, where I feel like I am about 2 feet behind my actual body, merely watching what I am doing. Slowly, my anxiety went away, and the depression let up to happiness. Mind you, it was full of setbacks along the way. But I would say after about 3 months I finally settled into a comfortable routine; I was sleeping regularly, was confident, and most of all was happy. I mean really really happy. The zoloft had let the color back into my life. It wasnt easy though, I had to learn to be me again, but it eventually paid off.
I enjoyed the next 6 months full of curiosity and interest. I was finally getting the most out of life. The only negative was the lack of sex drive, and the games it played on my private area. I had a couple of girlfriends during that time, and although I could have sex, it was pretty bad. But the relationships didnt last, so I never had to really face my sexual disfunctions, and honestly didnt care, I was that happy.
Fast forward to about 6 months or so...
I got a girlfriend that I really liked and really cared about. We were spending alot of time together, and trying to have lots of sex. It was very mediocre, and I was getting frustrated because I knew it could be better. I finally stopped taking the zoloft in a fit of frustration cold turkey. This was really my first round with prescription drugs and I had no idea the awful withdrawal I was about to go through. **all zoloft users, please note, you must taper off slowly, really slow**
That was over this past summer. Afterwards I found myself on that familiar path to familiar place that so many of us have been in; back into the pit of despair. This time round the anxiety wasnt so bad, but the depression was the worst I had expereinced in my whole life. I was so hopeless I tried to kill myself one afternoon. Got all my pills together and downed ambien, and remerol, and trazacdone, and xanax, and valium, and asprin...maybe 100 hundred pills in all. I passed out and basically stayed unconscious for 3 days. I would come to and stumble to the bathroom to puke and drink water. Even after I came to, I could barely stand, focus...but somehow it didn't work. My doctos asks me if I am happy about not dying, and I still feel indifferent about it. I hate how I am living right now, I feel like a spectator in life, not a participant. And as always has been, suicide is not that far off of an option, like that little devil sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear. If I try again, there will most definately be no second chances.
So where am I right now?? On prozac since aug. 14, on full dosage (80mg) for about 3-4 weeks now. I didnt want to go back to zoloft because I wanted to try to find something that crush my libido. So far prozac had been pretty much a dissapointment. I have leveled out a little, but no where near happy. I cant even remember what happy feels like. I dropped out of college for the 2nd time in 3 semesters and once again quit my job. I am just playing the waiting game, wainting for some sign that things are going to get better, but nothing so far.
The prozac has made me numb to emotion; if I was a food I would be tasteless, if I was a chemical I would be odorless, I feel completely bland. Although the prozac has allowed me to function and carry out daily activities, there is no spark inside of me, no vibrance.
Two weeks ago I started on welbutrin as a way to maybe activate the prozac. 10 days into it i was feeling nauseus and dizzy. My physical fitness, which throught was the one thing that never left me, has markedly declined. At the end of two weeks I stopped the welbutrin.
This finally brings me to the present; still on 80mgs prozac and two days into the beginning of my newest endeavor; effexor xr. I have decided this is going to be my last shot, I am going to give it 3 more weeks and if no improvement, then I will have to make a very serious decision about myself.
I guess what I was hoping to get out of this story, was one to give hope to zoloft users and let them know that it worked wonderfully for me, and secondly to get some reactions from anyone else with similar expereince on prozac, I mean its been about 2 months now, does it get better? And what about the effexor xr, any positive experiences with that? Will it take away in an athletic sense? Nausea, dizzy?
Any responses would be great, I want all the info I can get on these drugs. I would love to keep writing and get more in depth about where I have been and gone through; highs and lows...but i am afraid no one will read anymore. I don't even know if anyone read down this far.
So if anyone managed to stay with my story for this long, thank you, I would love to hear your response, however long it may be.
poster:tai
thread:123411
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021012/msgs/123411.html