Posted by nightlight on July 7, 2002, at 11:36:38
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
> I've just about had it. This life is hard, so very embarrisingly hard. My husband is off playing rock and roll. I sit at the piano and clumsily peck out 17th century pavannes. Very clumsily. My hands are stiff, my mind is stiff. I feel like a little round old has-been person. I had great hopes for myself this time around, but I'm a failure, a dud. No matter how many nutrients I take, how many drugs, the fact is I am a failure in my own eyes.Hi Barbara-
Boy from your heart & soul to mine!! I u'stand so much what agony it is to search for an answer, even a partial answer to your condition, something on which to to build a foundation of hope, and see it collapse time after time.I finally had to tell my immediate family and friends that I was 'sick', REALLY, and practically non-functional.I had to come out of the 'closet', admit my present state of uselessness and that I could only take care of me right now (& often, my daughter), after that, I'm an empty shell. God, the humiliation. I'm still reeling from it. I keep telling them, "i'm getting better, but this will take time." I can't just wiggle my nose and whip up dinner or clean the house. Failure, dud, can't grasp the reins of my own gifts & capabilities-YES-It is a daily slap in my own face.
>
> Oh, great Spirit, grant me just one, oh, I can't even think of the word, the phrase. Grant me just one boon in this life. I have so much to give, but no where to place my gift. Oh, please, God, let me live this life more fully than I know how, now. I am so unused and I don't know how to,, how to, how to. I don't know how to.
Barbara, I've only been seeking prof'l help for about 4 years (meaning therapy & meds). No recovery or suitable med combo yet. But, I AM seeking, s/t I wd. not actively do for 20 yrs. I simply led my 'marginal' life. Always feeling I was experiencing ony a fraction of what was possible for me.I am an artist who feels paralyzed. I have had glimpses into my other self, but for some reason I developed 'restricted access' to the rooms of my brain. I've walked that long dark hall in my head, all the doors shut tight, locked, and I don't have the key to them. But, I see the light from under the doors and I want that damned key. NOW! Because what's in those rooms is the real me, the real you, the joyful, relaxed, creative, intellectual, generous and forgiving components of ourselves that will make us whole. And happy. And able to live, really live-in the round-'All the world's a stage,' and I at least wanna be capable of doing my own thing, happily unrestrained, in the crowd scenes! Hey, I wanna be a player, too.
I don't know 'how to' do all this either, but, we gotta keep beating on those doors til we break 'em down, one by one. BELIEVE it could happen, even tho we haven't had much encouragement yet.
Life could be so different, I'm right there with ya, moaning & agonizing & numb most days, but on the others, I'm gonna fight for what is due me, & every other depressed, ill person on this earth.
And I'm gonna keep reading, researching, debating w/my drs. 'til I've exhausted every ounce of my being.Sorry to go on & on. But, your post, is like reading my own journal and I do so identify with you and wish u well.
Zannah (nightlight)
poster:nightlight
thread:111619
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020628/msgs/111658.html