Posted by adamie on May 11, 2002, at 21:58:58
I suffer from extremely severe suicidal depression and anxiety. I am 18. this has been going on for almost a year. All due to taking a skin medication that my bastard parents forced on me. Accutane. Canadian label had minimal warnings unlike USA. i took it and i stopped it but it was too late. My brain got messed up. My head would be burning, heart pounding to the point of heart pain, constant mind torture, every moment painful to be alive. when this happened it was first gradual but then suddenly it got like 50 times worse. i was unable to eat. sleep. walk properly. i would be shaking. vision turned all dark yet very bright and white, everything pale. i had trouble talking and when i did it was all monotone. i would have killed myself right then and there if it weren't for the hope that anti depressants and such could help. so i endured the constant mental pain. i was put on paxil and things got better after and then worse.
that is the problem. i have tried 16 medications or so. Let me get my incomplete list... I tried Paxil, Prozac, Sam-e, Celexa, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Zyprexa, ECT ,Adrafinil, Salmon Oil, St. John's Wort. valerian root, moclobemide, ativan, immovane, 5-htp, lamictal, L-tyrosine, Risperdal, Vivarint. And nothing has been stable or reliable. The first time I was on zyprexa for example things got better. I was livable. I was not enjoying things much. Depression VERYYYY severe but at least i wasn't feeling about dying too much. then for some reason it got worse and worse. i had so much day time sleepiness. and i would sleep like 14 hours a day with very vivid dreams which means poor sleep. it was getting harder to function. i was less able to spend my time as in make time go by which is pretty much most of what i been doing since i cant ****** ENJOY things. My brain is broken and i am unable to enjoy things most of the time. and when i can it's usually to a very low extent. all these meds have changes in their effect on me. when i first went on the combo of ativan (I HAVE severe anxiety), risperdal, and something else i was able to spend my time playing a certain computer game. then it all got worse and worse. the day got worse but the evenings turned to complete hell. only to be better in the morning. eveninsg was when i took the risperdal. i got severe anxiety. i had negative thoughts popping into my head about everything. even regarding so much as turning on the television. so much fear at night. and it was so hard waiting it all out... trying to do things to make the time go by when i went to go to sleep. so like all other meds i had to change. i needed to try something else.
i dont react to meds as most everyone else does. the meds always have SOME effect right after the first dose. And the early days of this were so much hell because of this since most of these effects were negative but... the ****** DOCTORS would not believe me. "THE MED CANT HAVE ANY EFFECT UNTIL AT LEAST SEVERAL WEEKS". I'd break that bastard's legs. my life was on the line and they treated me like some kind of idiot. all meds have some effect right away even if it is just SIDE effects. sure the true effect not meant to come in until later but MANY mental effects come at me right after the first dose. perhaps that is part of why i have so much instability. the meds make me feel one way at first and then when the 'true effect' comes in it's like a huge change. anyway. prozac after the very first dose made me feel horribly SUICIDAL. so much mind torture and anxiety came in. I could only try to hide my head in my bed as i felt my head BURNING and even my pillow would be hot because of it. then it went away since i didn't take the prozac anymore and i was back to my hellish normal severe depression/anxiety state. same thing with effexor. and some other meds.
what i have seemed to realize is that perhaps any stimulating medication which has anxiety as a possible side effects WILL make me WORSE. out of all the medications maybe paxil was the best and currently i was thinking vivarint was also maybe the best for me as well. Here is what happened. I took it after feeling my health deteriorating being off risperdal and only ativan. sure risperdal day time was not too horrible but i could not stand those 4 hours every day where i felt like i wanted to die. ativan all by itself seemed better at first. i was like that for maybe 5 days. the first time i tried ativan all by itself was around winter and at that time it only helped a little. i was at a point where i was extremely suicidal. i needed something so i was at the hospital emergency room waiting 6 hours. they gave me ativan and said doctor will see me in a few days. a bit less suicidal it made me but it seemed to not help much at all. but in the winter time i seemed to be doing much worse. in fall it was all better. winter was torture. then spring came and it was a bit better. i feel i deffinetly have some seasonal aspect to my illness. anyway... vivarint i started taking along with L-tyrosine and ativan. oh and before this i was on sam-e which i felt was doing me some good. one of the meds i tried a long time ago that seemed promising but my bastard parents wouldn't buy anymore and then my friend said he could not afford it to buy me anymore eighter. and my super rich female friend who says wants my baby wont even take the time to freggin order it for me since she is so damn busy with her own important life... so i cant get that anymore. same with another so called friend. who lives in america and pretends to say she cant find it. well screw them. i guess my life is not important to them. but sam-e seemed to help slightly. it's not like it was some miracle. just enough to keep me alive and not wanting to die though but i had it for a short while so who knows what long term effects it may have had. anyway... i went on vivarint. after first dose i was better. then 2 days in it was quite an improvement! i was actually looking forward to going and living with my female friend in the summer time. i had less anxiety about everything. and i was spending my time more easily and even slightly enjoying normal things... but... it gave me sexual powers. i was suddenly going on irc and doing sexual roleplaying for hours on end. this was a good way to spend my time... if one of the few damn things i can actually enjoy is sex then why not? when i was normal and NORMALLY happy i didn't care much about sex. but with this i didn't have much choice. eighter this or some boredom. but aside from the sexual energy i also found that playing computer games was starting to be enjoyable. anyway i felt LIVABLE. and looking forward to living with the lady in summer time. by the way i often have a big problem with tiredness and sleepyness with this illness but on this vivarint that was pretty much gone. except until the last 2 days.. actually 3 days ago i felt i was perhaps getting worse. then yesterday WOrse still. and today QUITE WORSE. i was so sleepy during the day... despite decent sleep from last night i just layed in bed. i was unable to be motivated to do anything. my mind was like shutting down. unable to enjoy things. so all i could be was tired... i went to sleep for like 4 hours or so. and i dont FEEL Better. less sleepy but still feel i am getting worse. and it's becoming so much harder to even imagine myself being with that lady. if i dont go live with her i might as well die since i cant ****** live like this. so i want to try something else but i cant find my reboxetine which someone gave me a while ago. so i dunno what to do in the next few days. i am thinking of cutting out all this vivarint. the lady person likes sex a lot so she expects that from me. i would like to be able to provide her with that. that has been the one remaining good thing so far about this damn med. but i am getting sick of being unable to do much else. playing the computer games is becoming such a chore... unlike when i am feeling better. and anxiety is becoming heavy. gee now i forgot what i was going to say in the end. anyway it seems no one ****** understands. darcy said she doesn't want me to be sick while living with her and that i have to be feeling well enough in order to live with her. so basically she does not love me enough to see past the illness. it doesn't matter to her how much i suffer. but she's pretty much all i got. it hurts so much :******. parents unsupportive. i was hospitalized before and was then locked up in a heavy security second hospital due to becoming severely suicidal on celexa which the bastard doctor refused to stop right away. he wanted to WEEN me off for 3 days. if i took ONE more day DOSE of it i'd be dead. so screw him. my mom just yells at me all the time. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU BEEN SLEEPING FOR 5 FUCKEN HOURS. GET UP AND DO SOMETHING". and it's like that much of the time. I wish the bitch had this instead of me. a perfect present for her on this special 'mother's day'. i am so sick of living. before i was so scared of dying. i felt i had to live at all costs. since i am not a religeous person. but i have come to the realization recently that dying cant be too bad. who knows what happens. maybe an afterlife? it's hard to explain but i felt that if we dont feel anything before birth and it seems that before birth doesn't even exist then it seems if we pass to our next life... then it could be right away. perhaps no waiting period at all. it's hard to explain. so i wouldn't mind dying but i love who i am and who i can be if only this damn illness were to get better. there have been some up periods where i can see how much better things can be. i just wish i had more of them.
i want to try some of those stimulants. i have tried too much else that hasn't worked. and these are said to make everyone feel better right away. so i hope the bastard doctors will finally give me some. my last doctor gave up on me and refused to give me any new meds since 2 months ago. so i stopped seeing her. and i'm sick of how everyone treats me. i talk about how i trully feel "horrendous and often suicidal" to darcy then she doesn't want me to live with her. i mention it to some other lady friend who i talk to online then she gets very mad and says i'm looking for attention. i'm sick of this. no one ****** understands. i feel like dying.
does anyone know why the hell i am so unstable on meds?
anyone want to talk about this or anything then e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org or ICQ at 14297524. feeling hopeless and horrendous. very painful.