Posted by mcd on April 2, 2002, at 12:46:38
In reply to Re: Dc. Kramer: help!!!!!!! » Dr. Kramer, posted by LiLi80 on April 2, 2002, at 11:29:33
> Hospitals around here dont admit people who are able to function. I know how to get around the docs. I want a med that will get rid of it, i dont need to be locked up and sedated in there. I am perfectly able to be sedatd in my own home. Please just tell me some meds that can work. My pdoc is an idiot and i cant find a new one yet. I wont go to him because i am just wasting money. I need advice that works. Please just name a med that i can research. PS. Please dont lecture about hospitals, i've heard it before.
I have been reading your posts, which sound increasingly desperate. My heart breaks for you, because you sound so much like me in the past. I have suffered from chronic, severe depression and suicidal ideation for almost 20 years. I have also acted on those impulses and tried to kill myself. I could never seem to find meds that worked, so it just went on and on. I also didn't like my pdocs. I really identify also with your resistance to the idea of hospitalization and others' caring attempts to help. Many people have reached out to you here and suggested some really good ideas, but you seem to rebuff them. I don't mean that as a rebuke, just an observation. The reason I mention it is that I totally understand. You just want the pain to stop, and it doesn't seem like any of these interim suggestions or possible solutions will help. But when I was in the position that you're in now, the ONLY thing that helped was to admit to myself (although I couldn't admit it entirely) that I couldn't control the impulses, (as Dr. Kramer so aptly phrased it), and the hospital was the lesser of the evils. I was SO scared of the hospital because of stereotypes I'd seen and heard. I too know how to get around docs by not revealing all the info. But the fact that you are able to function will not keep you from getting the help you need if you go to the ER. I was "able to function" at a high-level job, (if you call functioning working all day and then contemplating killing myself all night). I had everyone fooled, because I put on such a good front. But functioning to a greater or lesser extent will not keep you from getting the help you need if you want it. If you go to an ER and say that you are thinking of killing yourself, or have attempted to, (as you have said that you have done), they will have a social worker come in and talk to you and ask you some questions. If you are honest and tell them what's really happening, they will admit you. You will be able to get a new pdoc when you are admitted. You do not have to keep the one you have now; you are always able to request another. I have never been "sedated" in the hospital. But I have been treated. Although I dreaded "losing control" by being in the hospital, once I was there I realized that I hadn't been "in control" for a long time. My suicidal thoughts were controlling me. You will have the opportunity to find a med or meds that will help. (Even if you found this right now, it would still take awhile to get to a therapeutic level, during which time you would still, most likely, be suffering (and I know it is suffering) from the suicidal thoughts and actions.) The hospital gives you a chance to be safe while this process is happening. The pdocs can also be more aggressive in their treatment because your reactions to meds can be observed better. I was actually amazed that I found being in the hospital comforting because I had been so opposed to going in. I hadn't felt safe for so long. I have only had one bad experience in the hospital (out of many hospitalizations). The rest of the time I have found that there are some very caring people working in these places, and that, if I need to be there, it is the best place in the world for me at that moment.
I'm sorry this is so long, and I hope you don't think that this is just another "lecture about hospitals." I hope that you will receive this message in the manner in which I intend, which is extending a caring hand to someone who is suffering, from someone who has been there. Please do what you need to do to be safe and take care of yourself. I care about you.