Posted by BarbaraCat on March 21, 2002, at 19:58:30
In reply to Re: BCat: answers, more!, posted by Kar on March 21, 2002, at 18:52:04
Dear Karen,
Whew, what a major question/issue you brought up about feeling guilty and how do significant others relate. I have a very supportive husband. He is a gem. He's been with me through some ghastly episodes over the last 14 years. I asked him just now after reading your post and we had a good talk about it. He said that he knows when I'm having a bad time and understands that I can't do anything about it and his main feeling is concern about me. I usually feel guilty when I'm in bed for weeks. He feels that if bed is the best place, then whatever is going to get me feeling better is good. He's picked up an amazing amount of slack for me. On the other hand, I had a problem in the past medicating with alcohol and it got to be a big problem between us. The days I would spend laying in bed depressed after drinking too much he said disgusted him. He said there's a big difference between my truly being sick and being self-destructive.We both agreed that the main component is love. I was with a guy for 5 years who I had to hide my depression and panic attacks from because it was definitely not OK for me to be 'weak' or 'weird'. It's now clear that he did not love me and considered my high maintenance times a big imposition. I think the big questions that you fear he's thinking are 'Will this person ever get better? Am I going to be saddled with a big problem?' When we're depressed, we naturally think we'll never get over it, but the other person doesn't necessarily see it that way at all. My husband said that my sharing what I've learned about depression and new research, neurochemistry, etc., is fascinating and he feels like we're stalking this mystery together. He's also had a few bad episodes himself so he understands how bad and helpless it feels. I think this is an important part, that he's been in a similar place and can relate.
If you haven't talked about this issue yet with your fiancee then it's probably time to do so. Also, it's important for us to have a sense of dignity and pride in ourselves for being so courageous in the face of a horrendous illness. No tail between the legs skulking off ashamed for feeling bad, but the commitment to do what it takes to heal, and if this person can't deal with it then you don't need the extra bad energy. Talk to him. Good luck. - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:98599
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020318/msgs/99327.html