Posted by Peter on November 12, 2001, at 23:57:12
I really am getting sick of being a ginuea pig for 7 years with all the medication. I've gotten to the point where I just feel like throwing in the towel. I mean, when I first got into therapy 7 years ago, I was immediately placed on paxil (fairly new at the time, I think) for panic and anxiety. After diving into hardcore drug abuse for another 2 years, I started seeing pdocs, I was diagnosed as bipolar, possibly ADD. So I went on depakote for 5 years, varying doses. It worked to an extent, but I was still getting depressed and anxious, so I went through every SSRI there is. They worked short-term and then the dopamine deficiencies that resulted caused alcohol/drug cravings and emotional dullness. So I stopped those and tried Moclobemide before it was even heard of in the U.S. I changed my mood stabilizer to Neurontin, experienced very disturbing physical side-effects, and began Lamictal instead. Freaking out with panic, I stopped the Lamictal before it could even start working and went back on depakote - sedating but familiar. I began to develop extreme social phobia. I started klonopin, which I've been on 2mg daily for almost 3 years. Again my doctor had to add antidepressants to the depakote and klonopin combo, since I was always sedate and depressed. So I tried the one SRI which I hadn't yet checked out - Celexa - same effect as others. So the doc tried me on Effexor, which worked for a short time but produced more problems. Finally, concluding that I had a dopamine deficiency, and remembering the initial possible ADD diagnosis, he tried Wellbutrin on me. Over the first few weeks, even with the klonopin and depakote, I got too amped up on this drug so I stopped it. Oh, gee, I failed to mention that various other dopamine agonists were attempted on me to help with social functioning in various ways in conjunction with all those different drugs I was on - like meds such as Permax, Mirapex, etc. I went through a host of beta-blockers for physical symptoms of social phobia - atenolol, inderal, etc.. Yep, I've been popping prescribed medication and just following orders and constantly freaking out over all of it (except for few periods of transient relief) for 7 years now. Of course, I've been in different kinds of therapy - anything from psychodynamic to simple, social-worker counseling. Finally, during a period of 'clarity' I decided to taper down my meds to nothing to really see after all these years if I need anything (sometimes I just wish there were a way to measure brain chemicals to see what you need and what you don't). At the time I was only on depakote and klonopin, so, with the help of my p-doc, I tapered depakote to almost nothing over a few months. But, shit - everything started coming back. I'm sure my negative, anxious, depressed, restless, episodes that arose had alot to do with environmental factors(all the crazy, traumatic things going on in the world), but I'm also pretty sure my chemical imbalances were just fully manifesting themselves. So, I said to myself, let's give it one more try with medication; I met with my pdoc, and we decided on going back on depakote, keeping klonopin, and adding a stimulant (adderall), probably the only combo I had yet to try. I was willing, in fact excited, thinking this might be it!! We might have gotten to the bottom of all this and I can go on living and learning and growing and all that great stuff without being paralyzed any longer by my various neuroses. So I started the adderall last week - I've been posting alot of stuff up about it because at first I was really excited and it seemed to be targeting alot of formerly neglected phenomena in my brain. It's been 10 days, raising the dose - I'm up to 10mg total each day, and I feel like crap. There's no more mood elevation, clarity, focus, and social willingness like I got last week. I just feel all the side-effects (heartburn, stomach cramps, irritability, etc.), and nothing good. I'm restless, annoyed and just sick of everything, and I don't know at this point what else to do. I mean, I've tried everything. I'm very greatful for the spiritual beliefs I have, without which I'd be dead today, so I'm not considereing suicide, but I'm just really distraught. I mean, is medication just not for me? Will I never know what my real 'diagnosis' is. I'm sorry for the length of this, but I really needed to vent, 'cause I'm fed up.
poster:Peter
thread:84041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011104/msgs/84041.html