Posted by alexamum on August 13, 2001, at 22:50:24
In reply to Re: Recurrent unipolar vs bipolar...a way of life » alexamum, posted by Emme on August 13, 2001, at 12:27:42
Thank you all who responded to my message. I read your responses with tears in my eyes, part hopeless, part hopeful. I'm going to see my doctor in a couple of days with your insights and information to see what she says.
Yes, I do have psychotherapy in addition to med checks, in answer to your questions...I've never been a cutter, etc., thin-skinned would be a good description I guess. Unfortunately, when I am stressed acutely, emotionally disregulated(?), which can happen very quickly, I lose control not only of my emotions, but my ability to think as well. Very difficult for me to learn new job tasks, for example. From the outside, what it probably looks like is that I cry easily, sometimes losing it and hyperventilating, and of course this embarrasses me tremendously. (My psychiatrist told me I lost consciousness in her office one day when this happened. But I have absolutely no recollection of that happening.) On top of that, I can't get my mind in gear to speak, to respond adequately. It can take me awhile to calm down. In any case, my irritability is easily aroused as well, at least recently. Sometimes the tears are an expression of inhibited anger. I don't "think well on my feet."
At the moment, my body is not doing well with the medications. Lots of aches and pains, headaches, a generally drugged and rundown feeling, elimination loose, sporadic. I don't sleep well. Sometimes I take naps and sleep long, at other times I can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep. Up at 3-4 in the morning, staying up all day, go to bed late. I'm not hyper or bouncing off the walls, pretty lethargic - my world has grown very small. I avoid doing anything I don't have to do, including talking to friends, housecleaning, even bathing some days. Yet I go to my part-time job and struggle through the days.
I don't remember what "normal" for me felt like. I think I was naturally "light" and with a restless energy, bright, curious, shy, imaginative, inventive, aloof, always quiet. Such a contrast to the fried brained, leaden-faced person with the poor memory (whole conversations drop out of my mind, for example). I'm having trouble tracking the writing of this message, and I have to keep going back and seeing what I wrote to remind myself what should come next because I can't remember what I already said. I think the medications over time have altered my body and brain, have made me stupid, sensitized my nervous system and changed my personality. If nothing else, the meds have probably prompted the 60 pounds I've gained as well.
If these medications are "working" then, I don't know what to say. Serzone, Effexor and Risperdal together or apart don't seem to be the answer. Other meds I've tried included TCAs, Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Bupropion, Anafranil, Flexeril, a couple of benzodiazepines, and a neuroleptic or 2 for brief periods. Unfortunately, the ADs can aggravate my anxiety, meds for anxiety tend to deenergize me. Prozac worked well the first year I was on it, especially at first, then I started getting irritable, wired and tired. Nonetheless, at its best, it became the standard against which I've judged all the other medications. TCAs didn't do much for me. Paxil caused me to involuntarily read unimportant data such as license plates and then read them again and again, and did nothing for my energy. Zoloft put me to sleep. Wellbutrin caused my body to be highly reactive to stimuli (a door slamming, a knock, an unexpected voice behind me) but no other discernible side effects, Bupropion gave me a headache for all the months I was on it. Weight gain is a problem with Anafranil. So there are still some classes of meds that haven't been tried.
Thanks again for your comments.
poster:alexamum
thread:74539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010809/msgs/75008.html