Posted by shar on October 18, 2000, at 9:47:53
In reply to Re: reply to: Sorry, but I dunno..., posted by pullmarine on October 18, 2000, at 4:00:24
Pull,
I think about the "goal" question a lot, maybe it helps me get to the side of the pain momentarily to see what I want for myself. For you I would ask, what is it you want your doctor to know? Re meds, I'd ask, what do you want your life in the near future to be like?It is obvious you have been through hell. And back. Maybe even saw some good intentions along the way.
But, at this point, I think the question is what do you want to achieve in the near future about how you will feel on or off meds. What is your goal in writing the letter, what is your goal in getting off meds, what is your goal for the future? Some people believe that experiencing the pain of depression, or other psych "disorders" will deepen their knowledge of life or something like that. That's a goal.
When considering goals, I think it never hurts to think about the others in your life (family, etc.) or someone (even if it's a dog or cat) you care about. Because, if you have a psychotic episode (I'm not saying you're psychotic, just an example of a worst case scenario) it will have a strong impact on relationships with those you love (and pets have always loved me more truly than humans).
Having someone truly "understand" how we feel, is almost impossible IMHO. In 20 something years of therapy, I learned (recently) that the "understanding" may not be as important (or possible) as someone "accepting you" as you feel and as you are.
In other words, you get to keep your spot, hold onto yourself (don't give yourself up), and be who you are. And, if someone can accept that, and tell you where they are, you have more knowledge about the both of you than you'd ever imagine. That makes two genuine people, who know each other, and where they stand. The next part, and hardest, is accepting the differences that may exist.
But, that's another topic.
Your choice to be on or off meds, I believe, should be made in the here and now. The anger you feel (whether I understand it or "agree" with it) is there, as is the sadness, and the intense frustration of your experiences. Most of those experiences were in the past. The decision you make now is for your present and future. While you can use past information, it makes a poor raison d'etre for today or tomorrow.
If nothing else, those that you love and who love you (including you, yourself) deserve your best. If that occurs with meds, but you miss the passion, that's another goal question. Is it your goal to be passionate or to live a more functional life (with less passion). (BTW, there may be meds that afford you more "you" than the meds you've already tried.)
Good luck to you. Hope you don't plan on shuffling soon. I was very touched and saddened about your sister's death, and what you describe about your own experiences sounds horrifying and terrifying.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:46632
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20001012/msgs/46667.html