Posted by MicheleR on October 4, 2000, at 18:20:21
In reply to dependency, depression and mutilation, posted by Mare on October 1, 2000, at 22:39:04
Mare,
First of all congratulations on going almost a year not cutting. I am also glad that you had the courage to call the crisis line before you did anything worse. I would like to say that I am a former cutter, but unfortunately I have had some setbacks recently. I can relate to alot of what you are saying. I have been in therapy for many years, and it has helped alot and literally saved my life. I really hope that you give therapy another try..... I am not sure about your past experience with therapy.....there could be many reasons that you feel it did more harm then good. Sometimes working through issues causes alot of distress initially, but in the long run helps. I can relate to feeling the feeling of cutting to feel in control and for relief. Please keep yourself safe, call the crisis line if you need to, and really consider giving therapy another try.
> Okay, I'm gonna take advantage of a babble page and babble so I warn you that this may get kinda long. Right now, I am attending college, if you can call it that since I rarely attend classes. I was recently taken off Prozac and it kept me in bed quite a lot from headaches, nightmares, stomache aches ect. Hopefully, my new drug will work at least until I can get caught up with some stuff. I have a boyfriend who I am way too dependent on. We have been dating about 10 months and I am so dependent on him because he pulled me out of my roughest spots. I used to hurt myself a lot. It was beginning to get out of control. I would black out and when I "came back" I'd be bleeding or burnt or something like that. So he pulled me out of at least that pit and now I feel like I can't get enough of him. I rarely go out without him, I barely eat unless he reminds me too or when I take my medicine, and I just can't feel motivated unless I can somehow work him into the equation. Recently, he hasn't been as supportive or loving or much anything. And I feel myself being swept away. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he does still care for me very much but he doesn't have time for me. And I do love him and realize that part of the problem is that I need to give him some space. But whenever I do, I get depressed! The worse part is that I have started cutting again. It's very, very minor, it's more like a bad habit, I've been absent-mindedly cutting skin off of the bottom of my feet (weird, I know). I didn't think of it as really hurting myself but when I told the crisis hotline girl (who I had to call on a really bad night to keep from doing worse) she flipped. And now I'm getting worried that I'm going to slip more. I'm stuck and don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend and wish things were better between us. I need to ween myself off of him somewhat but don't even know where to start. I am just starting this new medicine and I hope it does miracles. And mostly, I don't want to hurt myself. I've gone almost a year (!!!!) since the last major breakdown of that type (if you don't include the feet thing) and I want it to be many, many more. But sometimes it feels like that is the only way to get control of myself and get relief...
> Please help! Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm sure someone does and I'd love some support right now. That and some way to start to fix things. Thanks so much for reading!
> Mare
poster:MicheleR
thread:45620
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000926/msgs/45795.html