Posted by JennyR on July 1, 2000, at 16:27:01
In reply to Re: Linguistic thought and disassociation, posted by BBob on June 30, 2000, at 18:18:52
In response to BBob's writing, I want to mention something.
After a whole lot of therapy, I've come to realize that there were some very basic beliefs/outlooks I had about life that I had never verbalized, not even in my own head which nevertheless guided my behaviors and attitudes. Ways of viewing the world, basic premises, laid down early that are never actually thoughts or expressed in words - so "sublinguistic" would fit.
For example, I am someone who always loved time alone. Who, in my marriage, was the one who was always the very independent one. Books I've read describe couples describe the partners as being on a "pursuer-distancer" or "fuser-isolator" continuum. I am the distancer, I am always seeking out time and distance, in all sort of ways. Always seeking to keep firm boundaries and not merge too much. Through therapy and a lot of discussion of childhood, I sort of came to realize that I do have this underlying belief that alone is best. That alone is safest. That when alone I can rely on myself and I know I'll be okay. That on some deep level I really believe closeness is risky, dangerous. That particularly when I'm having a hard time and am hurting, I feel I need to go off and be alone. Like a wounded animal going off to lick their wounds. Because under it all I don't believe another person can be a source of comfort. And that if you truly let your guard down and really let yourself be vulnerable, you will be decimated. I have come to see that these are basic views I have, though they were never spoken in words til lots of therapy got me down some very deep layers. And I see all this stuff comes from how things were in my house as a kid. A mother who was very cold and angry and unaffectionate and could be very vicious, who didn't care ever what I thought or felt. A father who favored my brother because he was a boy. My brother, who is 6 years older, loved to tease and pick on me. And when my parents came to break it up, I was the one who got in trouble because I couldn't calm down. And I got hit a lot. And my parents fought a lot. So I mostly only felt safe when I kept to myself either in my room or out of the house.
The point here is we form ideas about the world, views, premises, perspectives that are not in words and therefore maybe not thought at all. Yet they can be so basic to how we behave in the world and how we perceive things and what we expect. I think a lot of what therapy is is discovering those deep underlying assumptions which have never been voiced or put into words but which guide you. When you discover them you can re-evaluate them, or evaluate them for the first time. Then you can then have more options.
poster:JennyR
thread:38054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000630/msgs/38972.html