Posted by Cam W. on June 3, 2000, at 1:39:11
In reply to Re: ... and now for something completely different, posted by shar on June 2, 2000, at 23:08:47
'Receptionist' (Rita Davies) - Yes, sir?
'Man' (Michael Palin) - I'd like to have an argument please.
'Receptionist' - Certainly sir, have you been here before...?
'Man' - No, this is my first time.
'Receptionist' - I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking the course?
'Man' - Well, what would be the cost?
'Receptionist' - Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
'Man' - Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the five-minute one and see how it goes from there. OK?
'Receptionist' - Fine - I'll see who's free at the moment...Mr.Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory...Yes, try Mr.Barnard - Room 12.
'Man' - Thank you.[The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.]
'Mr.Barnard' (Graham Chapman)[shouting] - What do you want?
'Man' - Well I was told outside...
'Mr.Barnard' - Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
'Man' - What!
'Mr.Barnard' - Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
'Man' - Look! I came here for an argument.
'Mr.Barnard' [calmly] - Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
'Man' - Oh I see, that explains it.
'Mr.Barnard' - No, you want room 12A next door.
'Man' - I see - sorry. [exits]
'Mr.Barnard' - Not at all. [as he goes] Stupid git.[Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door.]
'Mr.Vibrating' (John Cleese)[from within] - Come in.
[The man enters the room. Mr.Vibrating is sitting at a desk.]
'Man' - Is this the room for an argument?
'Mr.Vibrating' - I told you once.
'Man' - No you haven't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes I have.
'Man' - When?
'Mr.Vibrating' - Just now!
'Man' - No you didn't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes I did!
'Man' - Didn't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Did.
'Man' - Didn't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - I'm telling you I did!
'Man' - You did not!
'Mr.Vibrating' - I'm sorry, is this a five-minute argument, or the full half-hour?
'Man' - Oh...Just a five-minute one.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Fine [makes a note of it; the man sits down.] thank you. Anyway I did.
'Man' - You most certainly did not.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
'Man' - You did not.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes I did.
'Man' - You did not.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes I did.
'Man' - Didn't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes I did.
'Man' - Didn't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes I did!!
'Man' - Look, this isn't an argument.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes it is.
'Man' - No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No it isn't.
'Man' - Yes it is.
'Mr.Vibrating' - It is not.
'Man' - It is. You just contradicted me.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No I didn't.
'Man' - Ooh, you did!
'Mr.Vibrating' - No, no, no, no, no.
'Man' - You did, just then.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No, nonsense!
'Man' - Oh, look this is futile.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No it isn't.
'Man' - I came here for a good argument.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
'Man' - Well, an argument's not the same as a contradiction.
'Mr.Vibrating' - It can be.
'Man' - No it can't. An arguement is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No it isn't.
'Man' - Yes it is. It isnt just contradiction.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Look, if I argue with you I must take up a contradictory position.
'Man' - But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Yes it is.
'Man' - No it isn't, argument is an intellectual process...contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the person says.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No it isn't.
'Man' - Yes it is.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Not at all.
'Man' - Now look!
'Mr.Vibrating'[pressing bell on desk] - Thank you, good morning.
'Man' - What?
'Mr.Vibrating' - That's it. Good morning.
'Man' - But I was just getting interested.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Sorry the five minutes is up.
'Man' - That was never five minutes just now!
'Mr.Vibrating' - I'm afraid it was.
'Man' - No it wasn't.
'Mr.Vibrating' - I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
'Man' - What?
'Mr.Vibrating' - If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
'Man' - But that was never five minutes just now...oh come on! [Vibrating looks round as though the man was not there] This is ridiculous.
'Mr.Vibrating' - I'm very sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
'Man' - Oh. All right. [pays] There you are.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Thank you.
'Man' - Well?
'Mr.Vibrating' - Well what?
'Man' - That was never five minutes just now.
'Mr.Vibrating' - I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
'Man' - I've just paid.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No you didn't.
'Man' - I did! I did! I did!
'Mr.Vibrating' - No you didn't.
'Man' - Look I don't want to argue about that.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
'Man' - Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing...got you!
'Mr.Vibrating' - No you haven't.
'Man' - Yes I have...if you're arguing I must have paid.
'Mr.Vibrating' - Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
'Man' - I've had enough of this.
'Mr.Vibrating' - No you haven't.
'Man' - Oh shut up! [he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in] I want to complain.
'Man in Charge' (Eric Idle) - You want to complain...look at these shoes...I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
'Man' - No, I want to complain about...
'Man in Charge' - If you complain nothing happens...you might as well just not bother. My back hurts and...[man exits and walks down the corridor and enters a room]- et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
A skit from the 3rd series of Monty Python's Flying Circus entitled "Argument Clinic" from the script of 29th show on BBC that aired November 2, 1972.
Thanks for the posts Noa and Shar; and thanks for the slap back to reality Cindy and Janice; much appreciated.
I am leaving on vacation for 2 weeks and hopefully I can come back rejuvinated and able think again, so that I can be of some help here. I love you guys!
Sincerely - Cam
poster:Cam W.
thread:34823
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/35796.html