Posted by Mark H. on May 13, 2000, at 13:53:16
In reply to Re: For Mark H, posted by Danielle on May 12, 2000, at 23:33:33
Dear Danielle,
That really hurts -- I am so sorry for you that your husband blames you for his depression. I hope the program he is in is good enough to help him come to the point of taking responsibility for his healing. I say "his healing" and not "his illness," because I don't know whether his spiritual beliefs and thinking are such that he perceives his illness as the outcome of past experiences (whether situational or karmic, for instance) , or whether he thinks of himself as an out-and-out victim of the disease. Either is OK, but the focus should be on healing and improving rather than blaming or self-pity.
Your husband's depression is different from mine, but these are my personal answers to your question of what it's like for me. (In other words, please don't assume that everyone experiences depression the same way I do.)
I call depression "the selfish disease," because when I'm severely depressed, I am constitutionally incapable of recognizing or responding to other people's needs and suffering -- I lose my capacity for compassion and understanding. From a Buddhist perspective, few things could be worse.
Depression doesn't "feel" like anything -- even great sadness and uncontrollable weeping is quite a ways up from depression for me. There is a loss of the ability to experience pleasure in even the simplest things, like good food, a beautiful sunset, the laughter of children, or a friendly touch. This is something that no one can imagine who has not experienced it. One example is that a full-body massage from even the most delightful and skilled person would be irritating, unpleasant, and a waste of time and money.
One of the few things that can lift a person out of the mental lethargy of depression is adrenaline -- the body's response to anger or fear -- so it was common for me to look for things to be deeply insulted or enraged about, not realizing that I was basically addicted to the powerful stimulant produced by my own body and just trying to stave off the dulling assault of depression.
Eventually, however, my body ran out of adrenaline, and I would fall into an even deeper depression. It took a long time to realize that I was creating the external circumstances for my rage. Today, when I start getting angry and fearful, the first thing I do is look at the calendar. If it's June, it may be a valid feeling. If it's late August (deep into my depressive cycle), I know to cut the other person a lot of slack, because it probably has nothing to do with that person.
I would suggest you put a large sign on your refrigerator that says, "It's not about me." You need to remind yourself of this several times a day, and so do your kids. One or more of your children may think that just by being alive they may have been the stressor that pushed your husband over the edge and into the hospital. They need to be reassured that they are loved, needed and cherished -- and that their prayers for their father and support for you in getting through each day is important and appreciated.
At 16, I came within a hair's breadth of killing myself because I felt I had heaped too much sorrow on my parents through my impulsive and irresponsible behavior. At that age, it didn't occur to me that I was deeply loved and even more precious to them than their most closely held values. Depression runs in families.
If you can open your heart enough to accept whatever you imagine to be the most awful outcome of this experience -- death, long-term mental illness, divorce, a husband who blames and despises you -- then you will be ready to face whatever actually happens with positiveness and courage. You can and will survive it, and so will your children. Your husband may or may not survive it, or may not be able to continue living with you, or may never take responsibility for his healing. If you accept these possibilities now, you will be ready for anything.
If your school or church or community health center has a counseling or mental health program available, now is the time for you and all of your children to get support. You cannot carry the load for everyone. You cannot afford to have a mental breakdown yourself at this time (you have to take turns *grin*). Embrace humility and courage. Ask for help. Accept it gratefully. Empower your children to help with their own physical and mental and emotional survival and healing.
I think I've said this before, but in a very strange and seemingly perverse way, this has the potential to be the best thing that will ever happen to your family, at the same time that it is also the worst. Do you believe in angels? Do you believe that you can be a conduit for something completely perfect and powerful that is much bigger and wiser than yourself?
Remember, "IT IS NOT ABOUT ME."
Much love and very best wishes,
Mark H.
poster:Mark H.
thread:33136
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000508/msgs/33369.html