Posted by Tammy on March 25, 2000, at 2:07:41
In reply to The Tunnel, posted by harry b. on March 25, 2000, at 1:24:47
> I said in an earlier post that I'm changing meds. Quitting
> the Serzone and starting Effexor, keeping the Klonopin
> and Lithium.
>
> I am discouraged. I have not worked for nearly 2 months.
> The insurance company finally responded to my calls, saying
> they hope to make a determination on my claim for short term
> disability payments within a week.
>
> I was originally to be in the outpatient program for 2-3
> weeks. Today was the end of my third week. The pdoc wants
> me to continue with the program.
>
> I began to feel good,
> safe and comfortable in the hospital. I also made friends
> there. Now I'm back to where I started. I have
> not even talked to any friends, in person or by phone, to tell
> them about the hospitalization or day program
>
> I am not able to perform my duties at work yet. I know
> I would miss days and screw up if I went back now,
> would probably get fired.
>
> I'm beginning to feel as though a part of me does not
> want to get well. That maybe I feel comfortable where I am,
> that maybe the real me IS a lazy, ignorant, zoned out slug.
>
> I know for certain that I do not see the light at the end
> of the tunnel. The tunnel is dark, it goes on forever, with
> countless twists and turns. It's a very familiar place.
> I don't know if I can leave it. I'm afraid of the light that
> would mark it's end.
>
> Anyone felt like this before?
>
>
> sure do...I even wrote a poem about it!
But you need to know that the light is much better than the tunnel! You just need to get to it and feel it to know. So try to get there. You will truly like it better.
>
Abyss EdgeTeetering on the brink
of the mournful abyss.
Tormenting my own soul.
Insanity
driven to the edge...
the abyss opens wide
gaping
calling me inside.I almost fell
tippy toes
unbalanced spirit...beckoned by the voice within.No reason.
Too much reasoning.
With who?No, not tears...even worse.
For with myself I did converse.
The more I asked myself to stop...
the faster it whirred throughout my brain.
So close I viewed the word...insane.Stop!
wrestle, torment, tangle
Stop!
annoying grating verse
Stop!
The more I begged it made it worse.One grasp for help,
clinging to a thread of hope
the voice upon the other end
taught me this is how I cope.And only for a little while
would I need to linger here
teetering on the edge of the abyss.Now comes the time
slowly retreat
step by cautious step
to safer ground.
Abyss defeat.Once lost, now found.
His love will surround...if only I wait.
Be still. Old self be gone.
The lesson...so profound.Tammy ~ In memory of my Tanner Jason Tobac
2-14-00
poster:Tammy
thread:28105
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000321/msgs/28110.html