Posted by bob on March 19, 2000, at 1:07:15
In reply to Re: Self control, posted by dove on March 18, 2000, at 10:46:41
CarolAnn asked:
>Do you think that "cutting" behavior is, at least, in some part a self-punishment?I mentioned elsewhere that my therapist does a lot of work with young women who engage in self-injury -- this group being the majority of folks who do this. She tells me there are a variety of reasons people do it but, as dove pointed out so clearly (it definitely was NOT a ramble, dove), it is often an issue of control.
What struck me most in what dove had to say was this:
> Self injury is like a fake control, an act that helps free the stuffed emotions but doesn't actually help you *go* anywhere with those feelings, doesn't help the *problem* of being unable to express yourself, and doesn't empower you to act on your feelings, or make decisions with eyes wide open.
>
> It's a false sense of security, of control, of expression. Yet, it is incredibly seductive and possibly addictive.So, to the extent that humans punish in order to control -- yes, there is undeniably an element of self-punishment in it.
All the same -- in my own case, at least -- self-punishment is not the primary motive. I do it to control the pain, when the pain in my life becomes unbearable. I've been cursed with a pretty agile mind and I learned at an early age that there was no logical, rational cause for my pain. Being a kid, I did what most kids do -- I blamed myself, conjuring reasons that made the sort of sense that eight year-olds make of the world.
By the time I got to college and away from my family, finally in a place where I could question what had gone on for the previous ten years of my life, the old reasons stopped making sense. Nothing did. Without a cause, without a reason, I had lost all hope that the pain would ever go away. What I learned, tho, was that I could drown that pain out by hurting myself. It was an extremely powerful discovery for me. It created a sense of order to my pain, and I was in control of it.
The bottom line about it for me gets back to the tremendous amount of guilt that's bound up in my condition. Being punished, having pain inflicted upon me by some unknown other didn't make sense. Hurting myself, in my mind's twisted logic, brings about some sense of justice ... even though I really can't give any specific reason why, when I'm into it I *know* I deserve it, and I enjoy dishing it out as much as I hurt in taking it.
But I don't think the self-punishment itself would be such a strong draw if it wasn't for (1) my belief that I was in control of it and (2) the extreme sense of satisfaction I get from making me pay for imagined sins.
Sorry, CarolAnn, no change for that quarter,
bob[... I'm saving up to buy a hairshirt]
poster:bob
thread:26764
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000312/msgs/27537.html