Posted by Vesper on March 2, 2000, at 17:40:39
The following is pasted from an email to a listowner, that I just sent. I have edited out some portions. I just wanted to let you all know what happened to me, in case you wanted to know any more. I wouldn't, if I were you, but there it is.
The following can be forwarded to the list, at your discretion. Feel free to edit if necessary.
At UCLA, I have a psychiatrist, a therapist, and I attend day treatment. My behaviours include or have included cutting, suicide attempts, risky behaviour, drug and alcohol overuse.
I have no firm diagnosis, but Ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder, PTSD, Depression, BPD, and others have been mentioned, and I have had symptoms of each. 2 years ago I was doing well at Cedars-Sinai, with a great pdoc/therapist and day tx. When my pdoc left, it was arranged that I could see my case manager from day tx as my therapist, as I was finished with day tx. anyway. It had taken me many doctors and much suffering to find these people. At my last apt. with my pdoc/therapist, she announced that one of the administrators who had been on vacation had returned and vetoed our plan, and refused to give any reason or explanation. I was left without a therapist. Personally, I think it was ego. He was left out of a decision to make a policy exception, and resented it.
I was crushed. I went on a spree of self-destructive behaviours, stopped my meds, etc. I finally found my current situation at UCLA, and my current t is wonderful. Recently, several horrible things happened in my life and I began to be very self-destructive, until I tried to kill myself saturday night. I missed 2 days of day tx, and one therapy appointment. I had not been talking about my mother's coming death, and the suicides of 2 friends, etc. because I was too afraid that I would not be able to handle it, and would be hospitalized. Today, I finally decided to just go to UCLA and meet with my pdoc. I wanted to go ip to break this cycle of self-destructive behaviour and causing harm to others, then get out and comply fully with my treatment regimen, including talking about what I needed to, regardless of my fears. Before I continue, I must give you the details of my "contract." It states that I will attend day tx, keep all my appointments, refrain from using drugs or alcohol, do no harm to myself, etc., or else I would be discharged from the day tx program, and would have to seek treatment elsewhere than UCLA.
Today my pdoc told me I had broken the contract, and therefore was being discharged from day tx. I asked if I would still be able to see her, or my therapist, and she was evasive, just saying we would discuss it with the ip staff re my future treatment plans. I told her I would take my motorcycle home and come back, to go ip. When I got home, I called her, and told her I wasn't coming, because there is no point in spending several days in hospital, just to get out and have no follow up tx. She gave me a bunch of shit about how they had failed to help me, and I could go to county, etc. etc.
UCLA is paying my medi-cal share of cost, and no one else will, so my only option would be county, which has med management, and no therapy. I asked did she really think county could do a better job, and can I please have another chance, but she said no. She began to reiterate my need for hospitalization as the most important thing, and that it was my choice to refuse treatment, and I was just being like I always am lately, etc. putting it all on me. I hung up on her.
I have to stop taking medications, and just try to go about my life and whatever happens, will happen. I don't know what else to do.
I'm sorry to have wasted everyone's time. I do not like what I have become, saying things to people I don't mean, saying inappropriate things, etc. I hate myself and wish I were dead, but have no immediate plans to do anything about it.
poster:Vesper
thread:25538
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000302/msgs/25538.html