Posted by Noa on February 9, 2000, at 2:06:08
In reply to Re: MY PERSONAL CELL IN HELL, posted by torchgrl on February 9, 2000, at 1:32:36
I think the pressure of feeling like you have to be well by next week, is not good for you. It is important to take one day at a time.
I have had to be bailed out by my parents a lot. Sometimes, to make myself feel better about it I remind myself that they haven't had to pay for a wedding, which would have cost a ton of money and they had expected to have to do, as parents of daughters often do. It is kind of a cynical joke with myself, but it makes me laugh.
And, I have had a a feeling of not wanting to take the leap into HOPING that I will get better, because I have had som many disappointments over the years. I am now in a place where I am starting to feel better and it is scaring me because if I start to invest in this feeling better, and feeling hopeful about it all, what happens if it falls apart. The other night I got together with some friends and had a totally unqualified excellent time, throughly enjoying myself with no reservations. It was the first time that has happened in ages: wanting to get together, relaxing, laughing, letting go of the self consciousness, forgetting about being depressed, etc. So in the days that have followed, I have been in a grumpy mood, and I think it is because I am terrified. When I had a good time, I started to believe in my recovery, and that makes me anxious. So, I am still going one day at a time, still not sure if I can invest hope in continuing to get better. But I do hope, even with the fear, I am starting to hope. And trying to learn to deal with the idea that I might have relapses, but it doesn't mean the improvement is lost.
This has been a long winded way of telling you to go easy on yourself and take one step at a time. Finding the right professionals, and finding the right meds can take time. And depression takes time to heal.
Find a way to get out of the house. Check out some other day treatment programs. Tell yourself you are like an anthropologist, participant observer, going to your program to observe and learn something about how this group of professionals and patients function as a group. Maybe this will help get you in the door and cope with being there.
poster:Noa
thread:20795
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000128/msgs/20855.html