Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Another day

Posted by Racer on July 4, 1999, at 12:10:07

In reply to Re: our support, posted by Deb on July 4, 1999, at 11:00:19

Thank you for your support and your advice. The advice about printing out these threads is very good, since I've been writing things here when I'm at lowest ebb, and when I try to write down what's been going on so that I can take it to the doctor, I find myself making light of what I've been feeling. Trying to make it sound as though I'm not as bad as I am. That's pretty typical of me, to try not to show how bad off I am. Of course, it doesn't help that I distrust this doctor so profoundly.

As for my state today, I'm a lot calmer, and feel a little more capable of holding on. Certainly not "well" by any manner of means, but much better than I was. I have a plan for getting through the next few days, and I think I can do it.

Yesterday I finally called my mother and told her what was going on. I've been hiding it from her because I knew it would upset her so much. I told her to talk to a lawyer about suing the doctor for malpractice, and that I might have her check me into a hospital where maybe they would do something constructive for me. I doubt that she will do any of that, because I've always been the one to take care of anything like that for her. Hell, I took care of her house from the time I was about 11 and finally old enough to light the stove. Mother is just a little eccentric, and can't seem to take care of anything beyond the ordinary.

Anyway, Mother called this morning and is getting on a bus to come up and clean my house. Is that typical? "Clean the child's house, and she'll get over it all..." Still, she's only been here twice before, so I guess it means that she's worried. I don't like her to worry, but at least it will be nice to have some company here to help clean. And it has motivated me to start cleaning, since I can't bear to hear what she would have to say about the state of my housekeeping...

My plan for the week is to find the local Mental Health Patient Advocates. There must be a group like that up here somewhere. A friend of mine works with Patient Advocates in the next county south of here, so I've asked her to find them for me.

Once I've found an Advocate, I'm going to explain what's gone on, and express my inability to keep fighting consistently because of my depression. I'm going to be clear that I need help, can't do it myself, and throw myself on their mercy. I will ask them to step in and help me find out what I have to do to lodge a complaint, and to get more timely assistance from the county system. I will print out these threads, since that's a great idea, and take them along.

Having a plan, something that focusses me on doing something tomorrow, and the next day, seems to help. I feel better knowing that there is something I can do. It's when I'm feeling so damn trapped by all of this that I fall apart so badly. On Friday, when the clinic went through that "there's not a single thing you can do to influence the decision or even when the decision is made", that really devastated me. I felt so helpless. After all, I don't trust that doctor, why on earth should I feel as though she's going to make a decision in my best interest?

Thanks again for reading my pleas for help, and for answering. I'm really sorry that I'm taking up so much of the board right now, but I really do appreciate all of what you've all said. Guys, you're really helping keep me alive this weekend. I want you all to know that.




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