Posted by Racer on June 11, 1999, at 14:18:37
In reply to Re: Questions for Doctors... , posted by Toby on June 11, 1999, at 12:14:58
I'm glad you remember me. Maybe it's silly, but I am. Thank you.OK, the MHC does not offer any therapy of any kind. The only thing they offer is meds. And they only offer those for a limited time, then they have to kick us out of the program as soon as we are "stabilized" according to their standards. The doctor is now saying that this drug is working effectively for me. She doesn't listen when I try to tell her that I'm feeling suicidal. To me, the fact that I am feeling like killing myself is proof enough that the drugs are not effective. Does that make sense? Does to me, but then I'm the crazy patient, not the sane and competant doctor.
So, the one drug that helped in the past was Paxil. The side effects with that one were constant fatigue and weight gain. The fatigue was barely tolerable, I felt stupid all the time because I never quite felt awake. The weight gain was significant: about 60 pounds in the first few months, though it leveled off after that. And I was anorgasmic (though the doctor who prescribed it said that the anorgasmia was only a side effect for men! What a crock!). I couldn't survive that sort of weight gain now, for a number of reasons. Mostly because when I gained all that weight before, I could afford to get new clothes. Also because I was then in an anorexic state, so needed to gain a bunch of weight. I don't need to gain that way now.
The other drugs that I've been on have also been problematic, so they're out of the question.
Wellbutrin is right out, because of the eating disorder. Because I'm so screwed up about food anyway, I'm not willing to try an MAOI. Maybe that makes me crazy, but I think I really would rather die than make food even more of an issue for me. Does that seem totally crazy?
This is so frustrating, because it's taking all my energy to keep trying to find a way to get help for myself. So far, I've been able to make telephone calls to try to get some help, as a substitute for suicide attempts. Isn't that considered a good thing? Shouldn't there be some response to that? Isn't that a sign that I'm serious about trying to get help? I'm so frightened, because I can feel my energy draining, and I'm afraid that next time or the time after I'll just take the poison to get it over with. All the things that have stopped me in the past are getting weaker and weaker. I used to be so afraid of the pain and agony of death by poison, but now I'm starting to think to myself, "I've been going through hell and pain and agony and despair for a year now, the agony of the poison would only last a short time compared to that." That's really frightening to me. Somewhere out there there must be help. I just can't seem to find it and I do think that the doctor I'm seeing now should be forced to suffer what I'm going through to see how "hwlpful" her comments are. I do wish that she could suffer from her behavior, but then I know that she already does. She must know that she's not competant, and it must be painful for her. I just want revenge. That doesn't feel good, either.
Anyway, with the eating disorder (which is troubling me again), the low blood pressure, the suicidal impulses and all the rest, can you tell me whether you, were I your patient, would keep me on the Effexor XR (which is helping the anxiety if not the depression), add another drug to it, or change it altogether? Also, if you added something, what would you try first? If you changed it, what would you try first?
Thanks for all your time. I realize that you can't prescribe for me, but since I have no trust or faith in this doctor at all now, and because I'm so scared, I hope that you can tell me something that I can try to talk to her about. If I have already looked up the drugs and know something myself, at least then I don't get so scared by her.
poster:Racer
thread:7192
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990601/msgs/7285.html