Posted by Elizabeth on December 15, 1998, at 11:06:18
(Please excuse my poor grammar!)
I've been reading many of the posts and many strike
a similar chord for me. I've tried almost every
anti-depressant out there, always becoming intolerant
of the side effects within 1-3 weeks. Ten years ago,
it was three weeks, now it's one week or less. My usual
experience is either an intolerable increase in anxiety,
an intolerable feeling of euphoria, insomnia, and a bizarre "finger in an
electrical socket" feeling that I've had with several newer drugs,
or an occasional strong desire to kill myself - oh I
forgot the nausea factor, which has often been quite severe
(I am deathly phobic about becoming ill).
I even had a seizure on Nardil, and "rage" reactions to anti-psychotics.
I've had panic attacks/depression with "ticcing" since puberty (more than
20 years), and became completely agoraphobic since
a very close relative passed away recently. Not diagnosed, but is a signifigant
part of my problem, are the appearance and sudden dissappearance of total rage "attacks" -
a common phenomenon on one side of my family. There is also
a family history of diagnosed bi-polar disorder (more than one member),
drug abuse, suicide and alcoholism.
My present diagnosis is Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia and "Mixed States'
Personality Disorder (my present dr.added OCD).
I have been on Klonopin for 4 years, 1mg daily,
which helped the anxiety at first but my dr. and I both
agree that it's made the anxiety and the depression/agoraphobia
worse - and I cannot for the life of me cut down on this med.
My present Dr.(for over a year) has tried to get me on an anti-depressant,
then taper off the klonopin.
We have tried so many meds, but she is still convinced, despite my bi-polar
backround, that her perscribed regimen is what I need.
I have done some research on individuals like me, and it certaintly
sounds like I fit somewhere on the bi-polar continum - what I've read about
"rapid-cycling" seems to fit the description of how I've reacted to most meds.
I think my Dr.'s standards for meeting this criteria are much higher than mine -
perhaps it really wouldn't help if it were changed. However, I would like to
have the opportunity to at least try some mood-stabilizing drugs.
After years of therapy, I have come to some conclusions regarding my "illness:"
I think that (for me) panic/agoraphobia is ultimately not the problem, I think it is what
the panic/agoraphobia masks, and for me what they mask is total "mood instability."
This is why I don't drink - when I have, I go comletely nuts (I've even been
arrested while intoxicated)!
Cognitive therapies that directly attack the panic backfire for me.
When I've taken some anti-depressants, and the panic is alleviated,
I am often left with a strong desire to commit suicide.
I also believe that personality disorders are in actuality mood disorders.
I am astounded by how clinicians in the area where I live are not up to date
on information regarding this probable "mis-diagnosis." In my experience, once
you are given a diagnosis of a personality disorder, therapists will
treat you in a patronizing and condesending manner.
Once I got a hold of my psychiatric records, my gut feelings regarding
this were more than confirmed.
I have never yelled or behaved inappriopriatly with a therapist or psychiatrist,
but I know that I must be extra careful in my behavior and composure or else I'll
be dropped from treatment. A diagnosis of a personality disorder, IMHO, is an excuse
for negligent and occasional abusive treatment (and do I have some experiences with both!).
Despite my present Dr.s adherence to my diagnosis, she has been the only one
who has actually read the medical information I've gathered and has at least for
a moment considered a change in my treatment. Others have transferred me for much
milder "transgressions," like complaining about the side effects of drugs.
I wish that, in my community, our clinicians were more progressive. I wish
that they would not adversly judge a patient for "using medical jargon" or
obtaining medical information. I wish they would listen when a patient presents
a rational request for a change of treatment. I especially wish that there would not
be a "knew-jerk" response to do the exact opposite of what the patient requests.
And I wish they would be more aware of novel approaches to treatment and
be willing to try them. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading this long rant and good luck on your own path to wellness.
poster:Elizabeth
thread:1587
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990401/msgs/1587.html