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Meds, therapy & ever-present depression

Posted by Shelley in Seattle on March 8, 1999, at 12:21:25

Hi, All.

I am sort-of responding to David's thread above, and to all of you who shared your experiences.
Some of you may have noted my last few posts re: my great response to Celexa. I was messing with the dose, and I think this was NOT a good thing to do. But I have gone back up to 60mg and I'm just hoping it works again soon. I am amazed at how quickly the black mood springs forth, how little time it takes to go from feeling 'normal' to being withdrawn and hopeless… It happened in less than one whole day. I spent the weekend in bed hating everything, and hating that I did THAT.

Anyway, I share the opinions of most of you re: therapy. I was in therapy 3X week for many months (nearly a year), and nothing seemed to help. I switched therapists, tried different modalities… but nothing helped until my meds kicked in. I used to believe I could and SHOULD 'get better' all on my own … After all, I have probably read as much about psychology as many therapists (and then some), and I like to solve things and figure things out. The problem, for me, was when I could see the damned answers staring me in the face and not being able to reach for them. How utterly frustrating! Also, being misanthropic and such is not really how I like to live, and yet this kind of beh'r happens when I am overwhelmed and depressed. This further frustrates me.

My therapist tried to tell me that my depression was purely 'psychological', part of my brain's makeup. She initially thought meds might work, then tried to discourage me from taking them when I finally got an RX. I took them anyway, and discovered for the first time in my life that it wasn't "just me", I had a chemical imbalance! It was so liberating not to have to shoulder the whole responsibility for my moods, and not to have my therapist try to bring up my horrible childhood (and horrible mother) every time something went wrong. I am still 'on break' from therapy, though I need to find a therapist I can trust because I have some major stuff happening in my life right now and I'm getting that "I can't handle this!!!!" feeling deep in the pit of my stomach again. (In a nutshell, my apartment is still a huge mess, my landlord has informed me he is selling the place where I live and is putting it on the market tomorrow, I have no $$ saved up to move, and I am in a 7-year relationship that is falling
apart at the seams & now we are being forced to make that final decision RIGHT NOW as to whether to try one more time, or just throw in the towel and get separate places, which will kill me financially [I haven't been able to work more than 20-30 hrs a week for the past 5 years because of depression]. Dammit, Celexa - where are you when I need you!?)

And I am sitting here at work, thankful my boss is not here today because I can barely do any work at all … I am desperately trying to keep myself together but I can't get rid of that jagged-but-hollow feeling that is echoing from my guts to my bones and getting lodged in my heart.

Say a prayer to St. Celexa for me :-)

I am sorry if this turned into a rant; I really want to thank you all for posting stuff here (and for suffering through reading this!) Even though I feel utterly alone and very low today, when I read the board here and see how many of you are going through the same sorts of things, it really helps to see how you are handling things and to get your different opinions and points of view. I appreciate you all.





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