Posted by Lisa on January 8, 1999, at 11:40:29
In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by NANCY on January 2, 1999, at 20:19:05
> > My life is in about the same place as yours sounds to be. I'm profoundly depressed, the meds are not working well, and I wish I could see the future. If there really is to be more of this hell, I don't want to be here for it.
> AMEN TO THAT! I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE. I WENT FROM A SUPER-ACHIEVER TO SOME KIND OF DERILECT. LIKE YOU, SLEEPING IS A GRAND ACHIEVEMENT. ALSO, I WANDER AROUND KNOWING THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD BE DOING, BUT I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. I FEEL SO LOST AND SCATTERED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING FROM MINUTE TO MINUTE. THOUGHTS EVAPORATE IN THE WIND.
>
> > The medication is not working, though it is helping. But the side effects are unmanageble. I don't even want to eat, because I'm so very nauseous after eating anything at all (dry crackers are enough to set my stomach off.) I constantly feel as though I've stuck my finger in a light socket, which is not pleasant at all. My memory is so very bad that I can't even remember whether I've got the pill bottle open to take the stuff or because I've just taken it, which doesn't make for happy compliance with the treatment plan. I'm sleeping either three disturbed hours or eighteen hours a day. And the wretched doctor available to me is dreadful.
> > I'm also not functional right now. Showering is an accomplishment, and let's not talk about my housekeeping.
> > The only arguably good thing I can point to in my life is that I'm still here. THere is a chance that it can get better, and if it does, I'm here to see it. I'm not even sure that I think that a good thing, but let's pretend.
> > Here's my discovery of the week: THe National Depressive Manic Depressive Association has local support groups that meet in various areas around the country. The people there are very supportive, because they all know how bad it is for them. Yeah, you'll be hanging around with crazy people, but at least they won't think you're weird... It really helped me to be around others who could empathize. The national group has a website, with contact information about local groups. Maybe it would help you, too. How much could it hurt to try it?
> > Good luck, and my best wishes for relief for what that's worth.
>
> ALSO, LIKE YOU I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE OF MEDS. SO, I INSISTED THE MY DOC ORDER ECT FOR ME. DID YOU KNOW THE ECT IS 95%
> EFFECTIVE? WE ONLY GOT IN THREE DAYS OF TREATMENTS BEFORE MY DOC LEFT FOR A TWO WEEK VACATION. BUMMER. THOSE THREE SESSIONS DID IMPROVE MY WELL-BEING. BUT, I WAS SO LOW THAT SAYING I IMPROVED IS SAYING VERY LITTLE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS AGONIZING MIXED-STATE PAIN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. WORKING ON THE COMPUTER HELPS REFOCUS MY MIND, WHICH HELPS A WEE BIT. BUT, I FEEL HOPELESS, WORTHLESS, WITHOUT A HAPPY, HEALTHY FUTURE. WHEN I WENT COMATOSE, I FELT NO PAIN, NO FEAR, NO SADDNESS. I JUST DRIFTED OFF PEACEFULLY AND CALMLY. I'M GONNA TRY TO HOLD ON UNTIL I RECIEVE THE REST OF MY ECT TREATMENTS. BUT, IF NOTHING HELPS AND I'M DOOMED TO A LIFETIME OF AGONY AND SADDNESS, NOONE IS GOING TO STOP ME. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL. WE PUT DOWN AN ANIMAL WHEN IT IS SUFFERING.
> AM I WORTH LESS THAN A BEAST? WHY DO THEY WANT TO CALL US IMMORAL, ETHICALLY WRONG? WHEN ALL WE WANT IS COMPASSION AND MERCY? DO WE NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT LEAST AS WELL AS ANIMALS?????
> ALIVE FOR NOW,
> NANCYNancy:
I have to agree with everything you've said. I too am plagued with depression and I think that no one can understand the pain that it causes a person.
I wake up everyday wondering if someday I will be better. All I can say is hang on, it has to get better. At least in my case I hope so because if not I don't think I can last
much longer.
poster:Lisa
thread:1963
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990101/msgs/2152.html