Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 639587

Shown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during

Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2006, at 10:58:53

the day.

The thing is that no one is forcing me to do this, it's just that I think it's probably the best thing for my husband and our family as a whole, but not necessarily for my son. No way to know that without a crystal ball.

I just would rather die than leave my therapist.

Maybe it's time to up the risperdal again till I can't think. Although I'm gaining tons of weight without eating more, all around my middle. If it's not the risperdal it must be some sort of hormonal shift.

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during Dinah

Posted by Poet on May 3, 2006, at 11:27:34

In reply to I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2006, at 10:58:53

Hi (((((Dinah)))))

I know what it's like to have those *I don't know what to do* thoughts in my head all night. I think during the day I have more distractions, though since my suicidal thoughts can be triggered by career/work related issues that isn't always the case. I just know the thoughts are more intense at night.

Are you not sleeping? If so, can you ask your pdoc for something to help you? I've been taking Seroquel and it really seems to stop the thoughts and let me get some sleep.

I wish I could get you that crystal ball.

Poet

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad duri

Posted by B2chica on May 3, 2006, at 12:01:24

In reply to I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2006, at 10:58:53

((((((Dinah)))))))
just do what's going to be right for you and everything else will fall into place.

so sorry you are going through this, but please remember you are not alone. and i must second poets question on your sleep. maybe taking something at night will help.

hugs
b2c.

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad duri

Posted by muffled on May 3, 2006, at 14:26:46

In reply to Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad duri, posted by B2chica on May 3, 2006, at 12:01:24

Sorry got no words...
((((((((dinah)))))))

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad duri

Posted by LadyBug on May 3, 2006, at 14:38:01

In reply to Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad duri, posted by muffled on May 3, 2006, at 14:26:46

(((((((Dinah)))))))
I'm so sorry your hurting like this. I know meds help us through the tough spots in our lives. I wish you could take your T with you and things would go back to the way they once were with your relationship with him. I think nightime is the worst. It's when all the fear and worry creeps in our minds and takes over. When morning comes things don't look quite as bad as they did during the night. I hope you get some rest and that all will fall into place as it should. I'm sorry about you and your T. It breaks my heart as I try to put myself in your place.
Let us know how we can help~~~
LadyBug

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during Dinah

Posted by MidnightBlue on May 3, 2006, at 16:56:59

In reply to I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2006, at 10:58:53

Dinah,

I usually don't post on this board, but when I am worried about you I come to read to see how you are doing.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly. The nights always are the worst. You are making the best choice possible given the information that you have. That is all ANYONE can do.

It can be hard to move, but it can also be a new beginning. About 7 years ago we left a city, house, and friends to help my husband's career. It was a choice we felt we HAD to make even though we really didn't want to.

There were times I thought we made the wrong decision (I'm great at second guessing myself). But I just want to reassure you that God can take our less than perfect choices and make something good out of them. So don't be afraid. It really will be okay.

MidnightBlue

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during Dinah

Posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 22:36:28

In reply to I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2006, at 10:58:53

I don't think there's much worse than feeling you need someone so badly. It's like thinking about them dying and being ripped from your heart. Hope that didn't make it worse....I just know the feeling.

Can you look forward to the days, and know at night it's just incredibly painful? Maybe some sleep meds taken early so you just don't have to think?

I"m going through the same "gaining in the middle" thing - not eating more. For me probably perimen......oh puke! I can't even say it!!!!!
(((hugs)))
fw

 

Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during

Posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2006, at 23:23:52

In reply to Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during Dinah, posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 22:36:28

Hi Dinah,
I was getting a bit worried about you, since you hadn't posted much recently. I'm glad you checked in. I wish that I could ease your pain or offer some words of comfort right now, but I'm not sure what to say. You've been placed in a horrible situation through no fault of your own, and any decision you make is going to have good and bad elements to it.

It kind of seems like with your T, you've been experiencing a "long goodbye". It's been sort of "on the table" for awhile now, it seems. I would guess that might lead to dealing with grief over the potential loss repeatedly during the waiting period. That's very hard.

And I know you care for your son a great deal and want to protect him from any harm. I don't know him, but I do know that kids can be more resilient than we think they are a lot of the time. And I know you are a good mother who listens to, validates, comforts, and loves her child. Perhaps the nights are the worst, in part, because you are less focused on helping him and dealing with all the associated stresses. Once that quiets down for the day, it's harder to distract yourself from your grief, perhaps?

Not that I have an answer for you about it, other than to honor your feelings, practice good self care as much as you can, and try to be gentle with yourself.

(((((Dinah)))))

Also, I have found many blessings in disguise in my life, so I know they are out there. I hope that you find them in this in time.

gg

 

It's an impossible situation

Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:25:11

In reply to Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during, posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2006, at 23:23:52

Last night I attempted to have a final decision making discussion with my husband. But when I brought up the drawbacks of the move, he threw up his hands and said we wouldn't go, and in general acted like a sulky teenager. I told him that when he was willing to talk about it adult to adult we could talk again.

But basically he says that if there's any chance that this will be harmful to our son, we shouldn't do it. And why the h*ll should I override him if he says that? While at the same time he signals that if we don't do it he'll be miserable and likely make us miserable.

So even if you take me and my therapist out of the equation, it still seems impossible.

When I was about my son's age, I moved to a school where the kids were just plain mean. The persistant bullying changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. I'm not the person I would have been if I hadn't gone through that. Granted, some other things happened at the same time too. But that would also be true for my son, because I didn't move homes or to another city.

On the other hand, I changed schools again in high school and was never so happy in my life. The school itself wasn't great, but I had more friends at once than I'd ever had, and nobody tormented me.

My son's potential school, itself, is nowhere near as good as my son's current school. The educational philosophy is not nearly as good a fit with my own beliefs, which are very strongly felt and expressed by me. The teacher student ratio is half (or twice? the bad one) of his current school, but the school is twice as big. But the cost is half that of our current school. It's also literally the only choice in the new place. But that really doesn't make a difference I suppose if he makes friends and enjoys them.

So if this school is like School 1, any amount of economic uncertainty and foul humor on my husband's part wouldn't be worth it. But if this school is like School 2, it probably would be better for my family and my son to move. There's no way to know that. Everyone says how friendly it is, but everyone who says that has a vested interest in our moving.

And that is ignoring my therapist problems. Even the part of me that loves my therapist like a baby duckling loves its mother has mixed feelings. We had a long talk (double session) Tuesday. He admits that sometimes I'm too much for him right now, though he's careful to add that that's because of his stress level not me. He says that sometimes he just can't tolerate one more person needing him and demanding things from him. That 99.9% of the time, I'm not a problem, and the .1% of the time that I am has more to do with him than me. And he admits that while he's trying his best, he understands that his behavior has been hurtful to me. He thinks that once he is settled back in the city and his life is more stable that things will get better. But he steadfastly refuses to say that he thinks they'll be the same as they were, because he says he's not the same person he was. And he doubts that I'm the same person I was. That the hurricane changed everything and everyone.

I think I'm the same. :(

Except that I'm dealing with a changed and sometimes absent therapist/mommy.

He says I'm different in that I'm more focused on him now and ask for more reassurance. I told him I always focussed on him exactly this much, or even more, but that I used to not need as much reassurance because he was more naturally reassuring.

The reason it's so bad at night is because that's when my emotional self is strongest, even with all my nighttime medications. I should be knocked out for good, and some nights I am. During the day, with some help from Risperdal, I'm more my rational self and I'm positively excited about the move.

In some ways I just want to make a decision, no matter whether it's good or bad, because this hurts.

So son or husband? Which one do I pick to support?

 

Thank you MidnightBlue

Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:26:28

In reply to Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on May 3, 2006, at 16:56:59

I actually weighed myself (horrors) and will join you on Health to tell you.

 

Re: It's an impossible situation Dinah

Posted by annierose on May 4, 2006, at 9:11:02

In reply to It's an impossible situation, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:25:11

I don't see it as a choice between your husband and son. Your son is young. No young child would ever say, "Yes, I want to move to a new home in a new city with a new school and make new friends." That would be asking too much. It is his job to say, "I want to stay."

You are a great mom and attend to his needs. You will attend to them in the new city too. He has proven to be more resilient than you anticipate. He's adorable. He is smart. He will make new friends.

I'm not saying "Dinah, you should move." What I'm asking you to consider is this --- it's a decision between you and your husband, while considering the needs of your son.

I think your T is not helping you right now. And that saddens and worries me. Taking him out of the equation is difficult in this decision. You love him so much. But you need to try and think of your life outside of therapy.

Maybe your husband will take to heart what you were trying to express. I hate when my husband talks to me like that. I hope you are able to have an adult conversation soon. The more you talk it over, talk and talk and talk, the right decision will rise to the surface, it will just make sense (at least that's what my T tells me).

 

Re: It's an impossible situation annierose

Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 11:18:56

In reply to Re: It's an impossible situation Dinah, posted by annierose on May 4, 2006, at 9:11:02

I don't know that I believe that children are as resilient as people say. :(

But I called and told my husband that I'd support whatever decision he made. And that it wouldn't be "his fault" if it turned out to be the wrong one. It was my decision to support him. But that he couldn't ask me to make a decision about how important it was to his job security to move, or how much more secure the family would be economically, because it was *his* job. I am not there, and I don't know the nuances of what's going on. If it was my job, he'd have to trust me, and since it's his job I'm going to have to trust him. And trust him to balance that concern with the concern about our son, and make the best decision for our family.

Because it's really not fair to put me in the position he put me in last night.

:(


I know my therapist isn't being overly helpful right now. But I have hopes that he can be again. Hopes that were reawakened in that double session, despite its obvious flaws.

 

Re: It's a trust situation Dinah

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 12:34:57

In reply to Re: It's an impossible situation annierose, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 11:18:56

I was worried. Really worried. And then I saw this....

> If it was my job, he'd have to trust me, and since it's his job I'm going to have to trust him. And trust him to balance that concern with the concern about our son, and make the best decision for our family.

{{{{{{{{{{{Dinah}}}}}}}}}}

All will be well.

Lar

 

Re: It's a trust situation Larry Hoover

Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 16:52:56

In reply to Re: It's a trust situation Dinah, posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 12:34:57

Yeah, I guess that's what that whole marriage thing is about. :)

So far it looks like we're staying. But there's always a slim chance that could change.

And now I'm kind of disappointed about that. Not frantic, but disappointed.

Which is an opportunity for me, I guess. To see what it was that I'm disappointed about to point out what needs changing in my life.

1) It was beautiful and green and verdant there. Well, I don't suppose there's anything I can do about that. But the fact that my area is brownish and full of trailers might affect it, and that won't last forever (I hope).

2) The house was prettier than ours. But there are a few things I can do about that. Attack the clutter, scrub it down to sparkly "home for sale" condition, maybe even change the paint a bit.

3) I wanted to be able to stop working (or almost stop working). I guess that means I need to look at my priorities again. Maybe I don't want twice a week therapy enough to maintain my current number of hours. I think I'm at the point where I want to spend more time creating an inviting home for my family, and less time stressing myself out for my work colleagues while letting my family get shorted on my time and attention.

4) I'd be a long way from my mother. Well, that was a mixed bag. I'd probably have just as much trouble with her long distance. Just a different sort.

5) I wanted to get away. Well, that's probably normal given the circumstances and again I hope it won't last forever. And when it's over, I'll still have fabulous french bread, po-boys, and in general some of the best food on earth. And cool pleasant winters, and sweet smelling sweet olive trees.

I think I can live with staying here. :)

 

Definitely not going to lose my therapist/mom

Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 22:57:14

In reply to Re: It's a trust situation Larry Hoover, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 16:52:56

At least not this way.

After thorough investigation, my husband decided that the risk to our economic future is not great enough to uproot our son from a school he (and I) loves and all his friends.

At least not at this time. Hopefully we can hang on here for another nine years, then the world's our oyster. :) And in the meantime I'm going to try to learn from this and change my life in positive ways instead of just treading on in my rut.

 

Re: Definitely not going to lose my therapist/mom » Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2006, at 3:41:46

In reply to Definitely not going to lose my therapist/mom, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 22:57:14

It must feel good to have that settled.

Good for you for deciding to look outside of your rut!!!

Love,
Falls

 

Re: Definitely not going to lose my therapist/mom fallsfall

Posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2006, at 12:25:23

In reply to Re: Definitely not going to lose my therapist/mom » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2006, at 3:41:46

I'm happy for you. And this means I might get to see you when I'm there later this summer. Yeah!

gg

 

Pernicious button! Meant for Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2006, at 12:26:27

In reply to Re: Definitely not going to lose my therapist/mom fallsfall, posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2006, at 12:25:23

But of course seeing you again, falls, would be great. Someday...

gg

 

Re: Pernicious button! Meant for Dinah » gardenergirl

Posted by fallsfall on May 6, 2006, at 3:15:28

In reply to Pernicious button! Meant for Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2006, at 12:26:27

(((GG)))


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