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It's an impossible situation

Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2006, at 8:25:11

In reply to Re: I'm feeling suicidal at night, not so bad during, posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2006, at 23:23:52

Last night I attempted to have a final decision making discussion with my husband. But when I brought up the drawbacks of the move, he threw up his hands and said we wouldn't go, and in general acted like a sulky teenager. I told him that when he was willing to talk about it adult to adult we could talk again.

But basically he says that if there's any chance that this will be harmful to our son, we shouldn't do it. And why the h*ll should I override him if he says that? While at the same time he signals that if we don't do it he'll be miserable and likely make us miserable.

So even if you take me and my therapist out of the equation, it still seems impossible.

When I was about my son's age, I moved to a school where the kids were just plain mean. The persistant bullying changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. I'm not the person I would have been if I hadn't gone through that. Granted, some other things happened at the same time too. But that would also be true for my son, because I didn't move homes or to another city.

On the other hand, I changed schools again in high school and was never so happy in my life. The school itself wasn't great, but I had more friends at once than I'd ever had, and nobody tormented me.

My son's potential school, itself, is nowhere near as good as my son's current school. The educational philosophy is not nearly as good a fit with my own beliefs, which are very strongly felt and expressed by me. The teacher student ratio is half (or twice? the bad one) of his current school, but the school is twice as big. But the cost is half that of our current school. It's also literally the only choice in the new place. But that really doesn't make a difference I suppose if he makes friends and enjoys them.

So if this school is like School 1, any amount of economic uncertainty and foul humor on my husband's part wouldn't be worth it. But if this school is like School 2, it probably would be better for my family and my son to move. There's no way to know that. Everyone says how friendly it is, but everyone who says that has a vested interest in our moving.

And that is ignoring my therapist problems. Even the part of me that loves my therapist like a baby duckling loves its mother has mixed feelings. We had a long talk (double session) Tuesday. He admits that sometimes I'm too much for him right now, though he's careful to add that that's because of his stress level not me. He says that sometimes he just can't tolerate one more person needing him and demanding things from him. That 99.9% of the time, I'm not a problem, and the .1% of the time that I am has more to do with him than me. And he admits that while he's trying his best, he understands that his behavior has been hurtful to me. He thinks that once he is settled back in the city and his life is more stable that things will get better. But he steadfastly refuses to say that he thinks they'll be the same as they were, because he says he's not the same person he was. And he doubts that I'm the same person I was. That the hurricane changed everything and everyone.

I think I'm the same. :(

Except that I'm dealing with a changed and sometimes absent therapist/mommy.

He says I'm different in that I'm more focused on him now and ask for more reassurance. I told him I always focussed on him exactly this much, or even more, but that I used to not need as much reassurance because he was more naturally reassuring.

The reason it's so bad at night is because that's when my emotional self is strongest, even with all my nighttime medications. I should be knocked out for good, and some nights I am. During the day, with some help from Risperdal, I'm more my rational self and I'm positively excited about the move.

In some ways I just want to make a decision, no matter whether it's good or bad, because this hurts.

So son or husband? Which one do I pick to support?




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