Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 441659

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I heard from my former T :-(

Posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

Well I got his response by e-mail. It was NOT what I wanted to hear. I wrote him such a long letter and poured out my heart. He did not address half of what I said.

I was at work when I got it and had to run down to the bathroom to get a grip on myself. My brain is skittering around like a squirrel.

He's gone. He's just gone and he's not ever going to be there for me like he was. Never never never.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( messadivoce

Posted by pegasus on January 13, 2005, at 14:54:53

In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

Oh, I can so relate to what you write. When my T first moved away (a year ago) I felt the same way. I would send him long therapy-like emails, and he would reply with short, friendly responses most of the time (sometimes he wouldn't reply at all), and I'd feel so abandoned and alone.

I wish I had something helpful to say. I guess all I really have to offer is hugs for how hard it is. And maybe it'll help to hear that for me it did gradually get easier. I still cry for the loss of him now and then, but mostly that gaping hole in my chest is healing over. I wish the same for you, only faster.

pegasus

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) messadivoce

Posted by 10derheart on January 13, 2005, at 15:44:13

In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

(((Voce))) You poor thing. This was part of the risk that goes with the bravery of putting yourself out there with the letter. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I know NOTHING I say right now is probably going to make it better at all. But I'll share some thoughts.

I won't contradict what you said about him never being there for you again. If I did, we'd both be trying to live in denial and avoid the essense of life itself. Which I've come to believe IS these separations, changes and transitions, and how we respond to them. So, you're right. When we lose a therapist, they are gone. Not always in the sense of it feeling like they've died (eg can never talk to them again), but as far as the relationship we had. It hurts. It's terrible and we even think we can't live through it. There isn't much of anything we can do to change that, only maybe share the pain here on Babble. And do let yourself cry - a lot - if necessary. It will get better, I promise you, it will, but according to your own timeline for grieving.

I have experienced the tremendous frustration, confusion and betrayal when you lay out deep, raw emotion (because you learned to *trust* them with that) and get back something far less than you hoped for. I really do know how that feels. Not good. I'm guessing maybe he kept it short, semi-professional and avoided the most sensitive and important feelings? Is that close? I hate that, but as crazy as this may sound to you, I was able to come to accept it. I even I think I understand and appreciate it now.

I think a former T. *must* put your ultimate, long-term well-being first by exercising a LOT of restraint. They may have powerful feelings they'd like to return back, at least to say how much they do understand ours, but it's just the wrong thing to do. They still have an obligation to us as former clients. This is *important* and it should drive them to think deeply about this post-therapy contact, and then do only what they honestly feel will benefit us. I'm imagining it can't be easy to decide what to do, and they walk a fine line. How to allow some contact and comfort, but also move the process forward so you can let the relationship go? The trouble is, it's *NOT* what we want at that moment we're reaching out, and we feel cheated and hurt.

I've given this a lot of thought. If my former T. had responded to every feeling, every topic, answered all my extrememly emotional questions, I really think things would be worse for me now. The separation, however graceful or awkward, however skilled or lousy they are at it, however long or short of a time it takes, does have to happen eventually.

Voce, sweetie, what I'm so clumsily trying to say is, if our old Ts engaged us at the same level, or tried to recreate that lovely, intimate feeling from the therapy-room, well...then what? Where does it end? They are not our therapists any more, no matter how we'd like to run screaming through the streets, "But I still *feel* the same!! I need you. I miss you," and more. Trying to see it through their eyes, I think if they really care and are really working hard at this, they know that later on down this road, we'd be hurt *even worse* (and enraged at them) when they had to pull back, stop contact, etc., after *teasing* us back into a false sense of closeness that can't go on.

Hope that make a little sense. Feel free to want to throw things at me and curse me - I totally understand. These are just things to think about maybe in the future. I know I had a T. who was more skilled and who allowed a ton of *transitional therapy* by email so I could let go bit by tiny bit. He still is okay with *touching base* but keeps it brief but friendly, so as not to *start anything* or intrude upon my work with new T. I am so blessed and I know I had the best possible way of handling it. And you didn't, and that's so, so, so *not fair*. I don't mean to sound like I *get* all your feelings. No - because too much of our similar paths have been different. I hope I've not made it worse.

Please post more when you feel like it. You know there's a ton of warmth here for you. I will be around if I can help. ((((Voce)))) - 10der

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-(

Posted by lonelygal on January 13, 2005, at 17:28:14

In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

aww, i'm so sorry. i'm going through the same thing too and i know how much it hurts. i often feel guilty too for it hurting so much (like it's my fault for getting so attached and that i'm just being childish). and then i start to think that she never cared to begin with in the first place and that it was all in my head. terminating with a t can be really really confusing. i don't really have any magic words, but i feel for ya.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( messadivoce

Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 13, 2005, at 17:32:57

In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

Aww I am so sorry I do not know what all was said so its harder for me to commet but I really am sorry youre hurting so much...I can hear it in your letter :*( HUGE HUGS

> Well I got his response by e-mail. It was NOT what I wanted to hear. I wrote him such a long letter and poured out my heart. He did not address half of what I said.
>
> I was at work when I got it and had to run down to the bathroom to get a grip on myself. My brain is skittering around like a squirrel.
>
> He's gone. He's just gone and he's not ever going to be there for me like he was. Never never never.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-(

Posted by pinkeye on January 13, 2005, at 18:35:47

In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

I know it is very hard. Much harder than anybody who hasn't gone through it can understand. Just be patient and try to minimize contact with him and develop other interests and relationships - it would help. Not easy thing to do though.

 

thanks for all the responses. It's appreciated (nm)

Posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 22:37:20

In reply to Re: I heard from my former T :-(, posted by pinkeye on January 13, 2005, at 18:35:47

 

Re: 10derheart

Posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 23:07:52

In reply to Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) messadivoce, posted by 10derheart on January 13, 2005, at 15:44:13

Thanks for your very thoughtful reply to my few little lines. I was not in a very rational state of mind most of the day and wanted to wait until I was feeling more logical before I tried to post.

The gyst of his e-mail was that he prefers to err on the side of caution when it comes to post- termination contact. He said that he felt like there was a danger of the relationship turning into a social one because of the "small talk" nature of my e-mails and because I had e-mailed him twice within a relatively short period of time. (In reality, I wrote him once in Sept. and once in Oct. - 30 days apart. I thought I was being very conservative).

He mentioned the 2 year/APA rule and also threw in that a lot of T's don't even think a relationship should exist AFTER two years. He finished up by saying that he would be okay with me e-mailing him at his office "occasionally" (apparently once a month is too much) to let him know how I was doing. Only to "please keep in mind the guidelines" that he mentioned above. Furthermore, he stated that he doesn't mean to come across as cold, but has to always keep them (guidelines) in mind when communicating with ex-clients.

Obviously I don't feel like I can e-mail him with therapuetic material because he's no longer my T, and if I can't make small talk then there's nothing left to say, is there? Furthermore, I still have a little pride left and after reading that, I don't know that I could ever e-mail him about my life and get practically nothing in return.

I wish he would have at least said "I'm sorry, I didn't handle your termination well, I messed up," which is what he admitted to my current T over the phone not too long ago (so she tells me). I could have handled that. Instead he said something like "I may have overreacted." I just feel stupid for putting myself out there.

My little bit of consolation was the middle paragraph that stated that he still cared about me and if nothing else, wanted me to remember that. That was the most human he got. But his letter was pure steel in comparison to mine, which was pretty emotional. And you were completely correct, he didn't touch on any of the emotional content of my letter. There's nothing like handing your heart on a platter to someone and then getting it royally stomped on.

10derheart, the question you pose, "To what end?" in regards to contact makes perfect sense to my head. So does everything else you've said. Unfortunately my heart is about 6 months behind the game.

No, I don't want to curse or throw things at you. That would be reserved for him. :-) Gah, I just realized that I won't get a chance to talk to my current T about this til next Thurs because of MLK day. We had to reschedule from Monday. She's been of some help, but she tends to be too logical about this situation when I just want to scream in her office and throw pillows.

Two question for you, 10derheart. 1) How does your current T handle your attachment/feelings to your old T and 2) how often did you e-mail your old T after termination, and for how long have you been terminated? I have been for 8 months with mine.

Anyway, thanks for your words of comfort and understanding. I so desperately needed them.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) 10derheart

Posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 10:35:32

In reply to Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) messadivoce, posted by 10derheart on January 13, 2005, at 15:44:13


This was a really wonderful, thought-provoking, intelligent, thoughtful, loving post. And it was not clumsy at all.

Thanks, 10derheart. It was so helpful for me.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( messadivoce

Posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 10:38:12

In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56

Voce,

Boy, can I relate to what you're going through. Or rather, I'm relating in my future, since I still haven't sent my letter. And your post is making me wonder if I ever should.

I think everything 10derheart said makes perfect sense and is very comforting in a way. No matter how much it hurts, you can know that it's not because your ex-T doesn't care.

I can't say it as well as she did.

((((((voce)))))))

 

Re: 10derheart messadivoce

Posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 10:44:05

In reply to Re: 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 23:07:52


I wish I knew the story of your termination, voce. Somehow I missed it. But I don't want to make you go through recounting it again, since I imagine you've already done so and you've got enough to deal with right now. I'll look on the archives.

More urgently, I'm confused as to why he mentioned the APA rule -- I thought that was just for sexual contact!

I may be wrong about this. GG?

 

Re: crushedout

Posted by messadivoce on January 14, 2005, at 12:02:28

In reply to Re: 10derheart messadivoce, posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 10:44:05

Crushed, I don't mind filling you in on how my therapy ended. I'm a university student and when I sought therapy, I was assigned to my ex-T. He worked with me from October of '03 to May of '04, when classes ended. Since I wasn't going to be enrolled for the summer term, I could no longer see him according to policy. He stayed at the clinic through June and then left because he had completed his pre-doctoral internship. He is doing his post doctoral fellowship at another university clinic about 60 miles away, much closer to his home.

As for the 2 year rule. I'm confused too. I've read the APA guidelines myself in the past and there's no mention of rules for a social relationship. Not that I was looking for a "social" relationship, but I know I was looking for continuing affirmation of the relationship we had.

 

Re: messadivoce

Posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 12:06:55

In reply to Re: crushedout, posted by messadivoce on January 14, 2005, at 12:02:28


now that you tell me it rings a bell. thanks for sharing it.

that 2-year thing is weird. maybe he's confused. did you ever feel there was something sexual between the two of you?

 

Re: crushedout

Posted by messadivoce on January 14, 2005, at 12:29:13

In reply to Re: messadivoce, posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 12:06:55

I wouldn't say that I felt like something "sexual" was going on, although I felt attracted to him in the beginning of my treatment (if you read the description of him in a former thread, it makes sense. He was gorgeous). My feelings for him were became strong because he turned into a stand-in for my own father. Yes the transference was thick. But I think I feel a lot for him that goes around and through the transference. He was constantly there for me and I loved him so much.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) 10derheart

Posted by Susan47 on January 14, 2005, at 16:17:46

In reply to Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) messadivoce, posted by 10derheart on January 13, 2005, at 15:44:13

I'm impressed with the understanding you show 10derheart and I've come to the same conclusions about my therapy and therapist and there's so much freedom available to us if we can understand what you're saying.

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) crushedout

Posted by 10derheart on January 14, 2005, at 17:37:55

In reply to Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) 10derheart, posted by crushedout on January 14, 2005, at 10:35:32

Crushed,

Thank you so, very, very much. You are incredibly kind. Something important just happened to me when I read your post - but this needs to stay Voce's thread. So please see new thread below...

(if I can hurry up before Bob turns off posting tonight...!!)

((crushed))

 

Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) Susan47

Posted by 10derheart on January 14, 2005, at 18:11:25

In reply to Re: I heard from my former T :-( (long) 10derheart, posted by Susan47 on January 14, 2005, at 16:17:46

Hey Susan,

That means a great deal to me (read my posts to Crushed and you'll see...) You really have no idea. Thank you SO much for saying that. Not so much that you're *impressed*, but that you would notice something and make an effort to tell me about it.

You know, as I replied to Voce, I knew darn well I was writing almost as much to *shore myself up* in those views/beliefs as I was trying to help her. My experience in still *far* too fresh to say it's over and done with. But I really have come to that point and it feels amazingly centered and okay (with a touch of sadness that's bearable). Or more like just what you said - free. Free from the bondage of obsessive thoughts of love-longing-wanting-crying-missing...well, we know that drill, don't we?

You sound wonderful these days, although I know you are surely still in maybe a different sort of pain? Please do stay with us and keep sharing.

You are quite special, you know ;-)

 

Re: 10derheart messadivoce

Posted by 10derheart on January 14, 2005, at 18:32:57

In reply to Re: 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 23:07:52

Voce,

I really do intend to answer your questions and respond to other things you said. Please know I have not forgotten - just busy today and now I have to leave computer for a couple hours. I don't want to rush writing to you.

IF Dr. Bob turns off posting before I answer, (and the new server works okay), I will try my best to post to you tomorrow. Take care and hang in there....shoot, I've had a partly "oh I miss you so much it's just not fair" - day myself today. It's because I wrote a long (previously agreed on thing) email to former T. It made some stuff flood back.

bleck. Guess that will just happen sometimes.

 

Re: 10derheart(VERY long) messadivoce

Posted by 10derheart on January 15, 2005, at 23:25:22

In reply to Re: 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 23:07:52

Voce,
Here's some more input for you. I pray I don't just pick at the wound, here... :-(

>once in Oct. - 30 days apart. I thought I was being very conservative).
I'm with you. Considering your agony and longing and wondering - you did great! Maybe he didn't give this much thought. I disagree with him.

> He mentioned the 2 year/APA rule and also threw in that a lot of T's don't even think a relationship should exist AFTER two years.
I'm clueless here. Unless he's so incredibly floundering in countertransference he slipped and has feelings (or the possibility of them) for you? (Not putting him down-just me thinking on the fly) I just don't know what to think. I swear I'd have to email him at least once more just to ask what the heck THAT meant! Sounds like a lame excuse for something that doesn't even apply.

> He finished up by saying that he would be okay with me e-mailing him at his office "occasionally" (apparently once a month is too much) to let him know how I was doing.
Well, in light of this, IF you later decide to, I think occasionally is open to much interpretation. I've never known what was too much or just right. Only once did I get slightly "slammed" when old T. wrote, "Wow. Three emails." This was after a weekend where I got all distraught thinking I'd offended him and kept adding to my apology/explanation. Didn't like that remark and could never get him to fully explain it. It's tough - you could get more "scolding" responses that would hurt and tick you off.

> Obviously I don't feel like I can e-mail him with therapuetic material because he's no longer my T, and if I can't make small talk then there's nothing left to say, is there?
I see your point there, quite logical, BUT, the man did say it was "okay" to email him and let him know how you're doing, right? So he has left a door cautiously cracked open and what you send through that door he can't control. To let a T. know "how you're doing" don't you have to use a (careful) mix of social stuff and a bit of therapy-type references? I mean, how else could you tell him? All I'm saying is IF (big IF) you try one of those "update" emails some day, don't worry about precisely what tone you take or if it's too social or too therapeutic. You just say whatever you say and he'll have to evaluate it, right?

> I wish he would have at least said "I'm sorry, I didn't handle your termination well, I messed up," which is what he admitted to my current T over the phone not too long ago (so she tells me).
Yeah, he owes you that big time and it's a bit cowardly not to be straight up, especially after saying it to a colleague. Hope she didn't promise him not to tell you...oops. Again, IF you emailed, that would be the first thing I'd ask - politely but firmly stating your case and how important terminations are, and that it might help a lot in you NOT thinking you're silly or overdoing things if he'd be candid with you about what he'd do better, if he could have a "do-over." I imagine this is plenty hard for him, depending on his pride, personality, what supervisors are telling him, etc. But that's no excuse - the stuff in life that matters IS hard.

> My little bit of consolation was the middle paragraph that stated that he still cared about me and if nothing else, wanted me to remember that.
Perhaps this is me projecting or being downright envious, but I'd really hang onto that if you're saying he put those words on paper. As much as I adore former T. and know from adding up all the small things and reading between the lines (actions speak volumes, too), he NEVER said or wrote *I care about you and I want to you remember that* Never, ever. So you have something there. And in light of this whole thing, I think he showed some heart and courage to not delete that part of the email. I'll bet anything he worried over it. Some hope, perhaps?

>Unfortunately my heart is about 6 months behind the game.
Funny you'd pick six months. That's about exactly how long it took for me to get to an emotional place where I could write the post I did. And that is with the positive experience I was able to negotiate with my T. So I totally understand.

>.......when I just want to scream in her office and throw pillows.
Do it! She should be able to handle that. (I am only partly joking...)

>1) How does your current T handle your attachment/feelings to your old T
Excellent question. I've had 6 sessions and we're still going back and forth on that, IMO. I think he'd say we're not, it's settled and he's fine with it. I came to him saying the urgent issue is supporting me as I complete the transition by letting go of old T. He does really *get* how close the bond was/is, that I cantell. He was warm about it, seemed ok and said to cry, scream, obsess and talk about old T. for hours if I wanted to. Impressive. BUT, he sends some nonverbals that make me wonder and he keeps hinting I should talk about those things I never talked to old T. about. Plus, last 2 times he had this annoying thing where he called former T. by last name only, e.g., instead of first name (they did meet once or twice), or as I still do, Dr. LASTNAME, he suddenly says, "Well, sure, LASTNAME was a great T. and LASTNAME said blah, blah..." I hated that and didn't call him on it. It sounded quite rude and dismissive. First thing next week I will, though. So I don't know. I think he desparately wants it to be fine, and to help me however I need it, but his ego is intruding a bit. Maybe his impatience for me to get to deep issues and talk less directly about old T. is showing. It's not too bad, though. He is a kind, funny decent guy, I can tell. We'll see.

>2) how often did you e-mail your old T after termination, and for how long have you been terminated? I have been for 8 months with mine.
I last saw him Jul 1, 2004, so it's now been 6.5 months. I wrote him at home (snail mail, w/his permission) 2.5 months after he left, and we emailed steadily for the next 3.5 months. It's hard to explain. We started w/firm no therapy boundaries (unethical, not licensed in my state any more, bad for me anyway) and it was left that way for 2 months. But if you read our discussions, it *was* 95% therapy. How could it not be? I think, truly, (as he's now said no one has ever asked for contact after termination before, and I took him to challenging, uncharted waters) that he didn't know what to call it, but was commited to stick with me and support me nevertheless. Finally ended up saying I'd been getting *transitional therapy*, which for a pdoc is okay - no meds, no regular sessions, but as much support as I need to get through pain of separation and get stable with new T. Says he would have done this here, if things had worked out differently with timing and I'd found new T. before he had to move.

At times the emails (back and forth) were often daily (M-F), then sometimes only 2X a week. Never less. I lived in fear he would suddenly say stop-enough-too much, but just the opposite happened, really, until I found new T. I was constantly thanking God and just utterly amazed he was accepting of this much contact.

Oh dear, if I keep at this I'll only upset you. Reminder, this is a pdoc with 16 years under his belt, and very mature, spiritual and in tune with what I needed/wanted. An open-minded, stubborn free spirit in some ways, too. So, we may be comparing apples to oranges in some ways (not your old T's finer qualities-just the age, experience, wisdom type stuff)

I'll be glad to answer anything else, any time. Hope the tears are lessening a bit. Hugs - 10der

 

Re: 10derheart(VERY long) 10derheart

Posted by messadivoce on January 15, 2005, at 23:59:04

In reply to Re: 10derheart(VERY long) messadivoce, posted by 10derheart on January 15, 2005, at 23:25:22

Okay 10derheart, first a huge THANK YOU for being willing to dissect my huge rambling post and help me make sense of this. I am feeling a little better today. I got his e-mail Thursday and after many tears, stayed in bed late Friday morning (no class til 12 anyway) which is my typical response to crisis...today I've been busy so not much time to really think.

My boyfriend has been really wonderful and supportive through this whole ordeal, but you can't really re-hash stuff with guys like you can with women friends, can you? Unfortunately, none of my women friends have been through this and those who with whom I've tried to share have gotten tired of the continuing saga, and I've been told by one good friend that I need to get over it.

Okay, so I'd REALLY like to hear gardenergirl's (anyone else too) take on the 2-year APA thing. I have read that guideline to mean no SEXUAL relationship til after 2 years, and that all things social fall in the grey area. I'm going to ask my current T about it. But I wish he would say "I believe such-and-such" instead of trying to apply a very vague rule to our specific situation. Honestly, I could respect that more if I knew it was coming from HIM.

He's a young'n, relatively. He's 35 and a postdoctoral fellow so maybe I need to take that into account. I find it personally crappy that I have to be his learning experience, however. Another thing that occured to me is that he's JUST a man. Not too profound, I know, but I loved (still do) him so much and tended to overlook his shortcomings in our sessions because I think I wanted him to be perfect and not disappoint me. And finally, if I'm going to love him, I've got to take the good with the bad, the pride with the compassion, and his mess-ups along with his good intentions.

I hope that you aren't bored with this topic yet. :-) If you have any other thoughts please don't hesitate, you or anyone else. I'm on my own here and I don't get to see my T until Thursday. And I doubt she will be as much help as you've been. I sent her a copy of the e-mail and she replied that she hoped I could see the positives in it as well as the limitations. She's a take-no-BS kind of woman, so maybe she saw through his smokescreen comment about the 2 year/APA thing. We'll have to see. I know she will do her best to help, but I just haven't connected with her like I did with my old T.

Voce


 

Re: 10derheart(VERY long)

Posted by pinkeye on January 17, 2005, at 14:08:12

In reply to Re: 10derheart(VERY long) 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on January 15, 2005, at 23:59:04

Hi Voce,
Just a small consolation. Even if they handle the termination extremely well and allow you a lot of contact (like mine did - I was allowed to write to him endlessly as often as I wish for two years - howmuchever I wanted to - he replied about once every couple of months - warm and affectionate replies mostly), it is still very difficult to let go of a therapist. There is just no way you will ever be able to terminate without having painful and longing feelings - however sensitive or caring or professional he is.

Maybe you should not invest your thoughts too much on trying to find out what went wrong and how it could have been the other way etc. That is called rumination and it leads right into depression. Instead focus on totally something else and it will help bit by bit.

So maybe you should try to invest your thoughts on finding someone else - if it would help go to a male therapist where you are for a short term therapy and you will probably get attached to the new therapist and it will minimize your painful feelings for the old one. I chose to go with a woman this time, because I was afraid of getting involved too much again. And it turned out to be right option for me.

 

Re: pinkeye

Posted by messadivoce on January 17, 2005, at 15:39:53

In reply to Re: 10derheart(VERY long), posted by pinkeye on January 17, 2005, at 14:08:12

Thanks pinkeye. You raise some good points. I'm sure it would have been hard under the best possible circumstances. And my rumination may be crazymaking...at some point I know I need to acknowledge that his response is out of my control and it's so different now b/c we're not communicating face-to-face.

I am seeing a new T and it's a woman. I was afraid to go to another man for the same reason you were, and I wanted someone who knew my former T. I have received the same advice about investing in a new relationship before, and it's difficult for me because I came to see my old T as a father figure. My own dad is emotionally unavailable and we've had a problematic relationship for years. I have a wonderful supportive boyfriend but he just doesn't fulfill that need in me for my dad (nor should he!).

My former T helped me work on my relationship with my dad but left before that work was even close to being complete. My new T is addressing it now. She acknowledges that the male who was available (my old T) isn't anymore and that the "available" male (my dad) isn't really clued in on how much I need him. So it's a difficult situation.

 

Re:

Posted by pinkeye on January 17, 2005, at 18:20:43

In reply to Re: pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on January 17, 2005, at 15:39:53

Can you try to work on your father issues with your new woman T? It doesn't have to be a replacement father to work about your father issues. An understanding woman who would help you would be good too without the side effect of attachemnt again.

 

Re: pinkeye

Posted by messadivoce on January 17, 2005, at 20:20:56

In reply to Re:, posted by pinkeye on January 17, 2005, at 18:20:43

Yeah, she's been trying to deal directly with that issue. It's much less messy now because I'm not getting paternally attached to her in the process. I think my former T caught on really fast about it b/c of how I reacted to him. Through him I learned that not all men are like my father, and I needed that. But now I think my work is less complicated b/c of the lack of transference.

 

Re:

Posted by pinkeye on January 18, 2005, at 15:38:14

In reply to Re: pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on January 17, 2005, at 20:20:56

It is very hard I know. Just hang in there. It will get better. If possible distract yourself from worrying too much about your old T. Women have a tendency to dwell too much on issues and it prevents them from actually getting out of it soon. (Read in a book Learned Optimism given by my new T). That book suggests distracting ourselves from the emotional issues (of course after sometime of honest attempt to solve it - for unsolvable issues like this) is the best way to get out of them.

I am pretty much in the same thing like you are. Miss my old T, but at the same time going to a new one here and trying to connect with her and work on issues.


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