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Re: small town boards

Posted by fallsfall on February 10, 2004, at 9:56:08

In reply to Re: small town boards, posted by Dr. Bob on February 10, 2004, at 8:36:19

> I *do* feel invalidated, not an uncommon feeling with you.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to invalidate, just to understand.

Dr. Bob.

I feel like I am an expert these days on invalidation. I have felt invalidated in my therapy and on this board.

I think that it is not too hard to be validating, even if you disagree with someone. To be validating, one needs to let the other know that they understand the other's point of view and that they recognize that it is reasonable for the other person to have this point of view. In no way does this require the two people to agree - it simply requires the validator to express that the other's point of view IS understood and accepted as the other's point of view.

I find your responses often making me feel incomplete. When you answer a question with a question I feel very no validation at all, because I often feel that you are not understanding the point that the poster is trying to make. I would feel more validation if you used more words, and showed that you did understand the point that the other was trying to make. It feel that by simply answering with a question that you are avoiding the discussion - trying to diffuse the discussion by spreading out more ideas without tying anything back together. I guess I feel like I hear a lot of the possibilities that must be going on in your head, but I do not have a sense of how you see them tying together. This is frustrating for me, because I can't understand by what criteria you are making your decisions, so it is hard for me to figure out how to enter into a discussion with you to make my thoughts known.

I recognize that you have the *right* to make completely arbitrary decisions on any topic that you choose in relation to this board. However, I would be very surprised if that were your goal. If that is NOT your goal, and you are trying to make informed and understandable decisions, then I guess that, at least for me, they aren't coming across that way.

There are many intelligent, thoughtful people on this board. Many of these people would welcome the opportunity to help clarify what this board does to help them, and to hurt them - so that the board may improve and be more helpful and less hurtful. You have one conception of what this board is - from your viewpoint as its creator. Our viewpoints are different - because we have different roles here. I would expect that the best result would be obtained by combining information from both viewpoints. Perhaps you do, but that is not apparent to me, because I don't see the dialog that lets me know that you are understanding what we are trying to say. I don't see the validation.

I also find it hard to validate what you are saying because your ideas appear to me as discrete points of information without connection.

I want to ask some questions, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to word them in such a way that you would be induced to provide a satisfactory answer (i.e. more than one word, and not a question). I'll see if I can come up with some questions.

I truly hope that you can find my feedback here helpful in understanding how you come across to at least this one poster. I sincerely hope that you wish to communicate more effectively than what I see.




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