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Greetings from a higher than normal mood

Posted by Tabitha on November 10, 2016, at 17:58:56

I have been in a high mood this week. I'd say that Tuesday was hypomanic, the highest I've been in about four years. I think it's a combo of

1) the tumultuous election season and shocking outcome

2) recently added trazadone 50mg for sleep. Is it possible the extra AD has overcome my mood stabilizers (lamotrigine 200 + lithium 300) and pushed me into an upswing?

In a way it's good because I'm productive and socially engaged. I've been able to do organizational tasks I was previously stuck on because they felt overwhelming and I couldn't make decisions. Yet I'm simultaneously exhausted, with a racing mind, driven to seek social engagement to the exclusion of pressing tasks, and of course I expect this to end in a crash.

Here's an example of something that seems newly clear to me. I think I have been under-treated for my entire stretch as a diagnosed bipolar. Furthermore I think it is due to stigma over being "mentally ill". I avoided the multi-med cocktails that seem to be required. I did not want to be managed by a pdoc long-term, instead using a combo of GP + family therapist. I often reduced or discontinued meds without pdoc approval. I fell for a pop-med book that told me depression was actually an un-diagnosed physical disorder. To be fair to myself, side effects were a big issue in remaining under-treated as well.

The interesting thing is that it seems there's no real "Me". This person is a very different person than the one I was just a few months ago. My thinking is very, very different, as are my habits, creative and work output, clothes and makeup, and social persona. I think I need to accept that "Me" encompasses the entire range of moods. It is difficult, both because I want to think the higher mood "Me" is the real one, and I am ashamed for other people to see me being so inconsistent.

Yet I'm getting pretty old, and even when finally going all in on treatment, there's no Real Me. I need to change my definition of Real Me. Ironically, I know that when I cycle back down into mild-to-moderate depression, I'll forget how this insight feels.




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