![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 219 to 243 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2014, at 2:01:36
In reply to Re: lab, posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2014, at 2:12:35
feeling... behind. of course i am. end of week 2.
people were coughing today. course they were. end of week 2.
around 1/4 to 1/3 will be sick and contagious next week.1 - physics assignment.
2 - biology notes. need to keep up with having them in a manageable form for the cram. i won't try and cram 'em yet... form is important. systematizing them to make them learnable.
3 - law. was fun today. some stuff on the courts... some of the people in the class are doing the other class at the same time... wonder if they got special permission... to do both classes together... or if some of them didn't do as well as they hoped last semester so they are resitting? not sure if you are allowed to do that if you passed already? anyway... some serious people...overhead several conversations today about people who 'didn't even study' but passed this and that or who hoped to or whatever... i wish those people would go do something else. or at the very least be contentious about not disturbing other people who are trying to learn...
i suppose it is possible that people say 'sniff, i didn't even try' when really they DID try - but didn't do so well. actually... that might be fairly likely. not entirely sure how or why this culture of mine (nz) seems to promote this whole ideal of being cool as a cucumber (not giving a sh*t about anything, you know, acting like you are all full of mj and reggae chilled) and achieving more than people who, you know, try. or work. we don't seem to promote work ethic. we don't seem to promote... allowing others to have a work ethic...
anyway...
there was a cute invertebrate vid that was inspiring... but i can't find it. these guys are pretty cool, too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF8OJt_pujc
but of course people mumble mumble whisper all the way through class...
anyway... feel like my time is spread a bit thin... guess because i need sleep to fight off all the germs... i wish lecturers would do more to dissuade people from coming to class... it really would help out the people who really really really really do want to be there...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2014, at 15:24:24
In reply to Re: lab, posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2014, at 2:01:36
so... i didn't know this... but our legal system is quite a bit different from the US. well, actually, i guess i did know that, but i wasn't quite sure on...
we don't have a written constitutional document. so apparently our constitution is some blend of things like 'culture' and 'tradition' and 'the treaty'... that these all form part of our constitution.
- parliament
- the executive
- the judiciarywe have inherited the British system of parliamentary supremacy. while the queen or her representative in this country (the governor general) needs to sign off, that is a formality.
the US has stuff written into the constitution about the balance of power.
the rise of parliamentary power... a significant increase in the number of statute (government laws) that are passed... so the courts are more about interpreting whether this or that statute applies to this or that case than they are about interpreting whether this or that precedent (from common or judge made law) applies to this or that case.
i do think politicians have too much power over here. the head of aviation security got caught dodging behind airport security gates... minister of something... one of our politicians appearing in the high court for taking a bunch of money from another, smaller party... it makes the whole thing a joke, really. they asked some of his peers (you know, wealthy people from around his suburb) what they thought of that and they seemed to think his curfew was a bit unnecessary...
abuse of power...
sports people are in the media seems like all the time for acts of violence. seems that the more famous they are the more we tolerate them doing whatever they like. one of them was part of some national campaign 'zero tolerance for domestic violence'. he was in court for hitting his girlfriend. rugby player. not bowls... i don't know the details of the case (how hard the hit was etc)... but seems to me people like this should be held more accountable PRECISELY BECAUSE a generation of kids look up to them as heroes to emulate rather than giving them light sentances because of their fame.
makes a joke of justice, i think.
apparently... the british system is adversarial, too. so the judge is only allowed to consider evidence brought before them (that means the skill of lawyers is important). and the lawyers argue against each other and the judge basically declairs a winner. this is opposed to an 'inquisitorial' system where the role of the judge is more active in asking questions and trying to seek out the truth.
apparently... trade-offs between how expensive the process is... and the justness (or similar word) of the decisions...
i guess like most things we went with 'cheap'.
so... apparently people used to apply for legal aid and they could take that (the government paid or subsidised or whatever) to most lawyers. so... some lawyers were known to be particularly good or whatever so they got a lot of business. but now the government (in an attempt to keep court costs down) has a public defenders office with lawyers specifically and you simply get assigned. apparently (i wasn't wrong) they ARE young and inexperienced. given very high case loads. and so on... and the more experienced people are complaining that they don't get work...
i think by the sounds of it our justice system might be about as f*ck*d up as our health system abotu as f*ck*d up as our education system... not that i can point to any as wanting to be like that... but damn... law doesn't sound like a particularly good professiont o get into, i don't think.
blah blah something about big law and corporations... i can't get interested in / excited about rich people getting richer... i don't know what to say.
something something something too about the government wanting to get some law through that means government has more members on university council... sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2014, at 15:25:53
In reply to Re: lab, posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2014, at 15:24:24
sigh. i suppose this means i'm learning to think like a lawyer.
on board with railing against the idiocy of juries (though i don't expect i am quite supposed to put it like that)
i mean... the average first year can't play 'and now repeat back to me what you just heard me say'.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 14:37:25
In reply to Re: lab, posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2014, at 15:25:53
In my room. About 5 bites on Saturday morning. About 5 bites on Sunday morning. I sprayed the carpet and the skirting boards pretty extensively on Sunday and closed up the windows and went out for a couple hours... About 5 bites on Monday.
Told reception before 9am class... They told me to come back (after management had arrived). I went to the doc... Bites, yes. Not measles or chicken pox or anything like that. Consistent with bedbugs. But of course without the actual bugs, impossible to say.
Manager said they probably weren't bedbugs. But then this was the manager who tried to tell me they couldn't do anything about the cockroaches, that they were endemic, and that they ran across his desk all the time... As an excuse for not treating the building at all... He tried to describe signs of evidence and suggested I go look for it...
I said that I'm not an expert. That there are probably people who know about this stuff and maybe he better give them a call. I'd done everything I knew how to do with respect to pest management whether they are bed bugs or carpet fleas or whatever... Expressed surprise that he wasn't anxious to contain the issue...
Bug guy was called. Only I think it was a maintenence guy with black gloves, really. Because, you know, everybody thinks I'm a f*ck*ng idiot and won't know better. Professionals usually have information documents. On different kinds of pests. They are usually keen to chat about different treatments and different infestations they have dealt with etc. This guy wasn't really like that. No information.
He reckoned it was probably carpet fleas (management was determined they weren't going to deal with a bed bug issue if at all possible). That he could spray and I only needed to be out for 3 hours. He also said something... About not vaccuming for 2 weeks to leave the residual spray... Which confuses the hell out of me, really. I mean... I'd heard of a couple days - but several weeks???
Anyway... He needed to talk to the manager and I needed to get to a 4pm class so I asked reception to let him in to treat the room...
Returned back later...
Monday... More bites. They didn't treat the room and nobody f*ck*ng told me that!
Went to university management... They said to email x (another manager). I did that... Aroudn lunch time got a call from reception that my room would be treated and I needed to remove linen from it (or they could do that). So I went back and removed it. Reception told me I needed to be out for 3 hours, to wash the mattress protector and my linen, and to open the windows once I returned.
I returned to find my mattress soaked around the edges with spray. Residual spray everywhere... Up windows... All over a painting... My foam roller... A plastic bag (heavy duty one I use as a gym bag since they will only let me have that on the gym floor). No instructions on what I should do about surfaces...
My mattress is awful, I realised. THe lining is torn. Bugs could obviously get inside the mattress. And it was soaked with spray...
I said I was really unhappy about sleeping on a toxic soaked mattress. Reception phoning manager after hours now... He suggests they loan me a f*ck*ng heater to dry it.
I'm livid, really.
Didn't have money to check into a hotel / motel last night... SLept on the f*ck*ng couch downstairs.
Sh*t like this... Getting away from it... University accommodation...
Have emailed them. HOw would they feel about my posting pictures of my mattress (forwarded to them) online for future students parents to see? Pretty sure they wouldn't like that for obvious reasons...
This building has only recently come under University management (in some way or another). I think... There is some.. Uh... Delay with other things... E.g., Fairly sure that there would be policies on how the bug management is carried out at other halls. Treat 2x a year and prevent serious problems. That kind of thing. They have sprayed public areas for roaches 2x AFTER I suggeseted (fairly forcefully) that thtey f*ck*ng well look into how other plases manage their pests.
I'm really unhappy about this.
3rd f*ck*ng world. I swear.
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 5, 2014, at 19:21:52
In reply to bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 14:37:25
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 19:53:06
In reply to bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 14:37:25
:-(
the university management people were good today. went and spoke with one of the managers... he listened... i felt heard. and i suppose i did go on, rather.
they have all agreed that the state of my mattress isn't good enough and it should have been replaced before i arrived. they also said that they should have known about the state of it etc.
someone is going to come to take it away soon. i've said i'm okay to sleep on camping matts i've got on the floor - after being informed that i can vaccum the floor. Because something something... Mattresses are made to order or whatever... It will take time for one to be made... Some ambiguity about whether I get a new base... The only 2 drawers there are in the whole place... They aren't sure if they make box spring beds with drawers or something...
Anyway... They will try and find a mattress... But... Whatever.
Whatever. I guess... They take the mess away... I can clean properly. Disinfect and clean and vaccum... And get back to work.
:(
And sleep. I'm f*ck*ng exhausted. Just want this mess to go away :(
Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2014, at 4:07:42
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 19:53:06
well, it is gone, finally. And I've vaccumed and given most of the walls and surfaces a good scrub. Still have some walls and surfaces to do... But needed to sleep...
I think it might take a couple nights to figure whether they really are gone or not. I keep scratching - but I honestly can't tell if it is imagination and they are old bites, or whether they are new bites. Anti-histamine or inflammatory or whatever they are tablets make such a difference... Make it harder to tell.
They did manage to find a temporary one - and reassured me that they have ordered a new one. Most of them are fairly stained etc... But if I put my recent trauma aside... I guess I'd say that my current one is okay. It looks on its worse side like the good side on my other one... Which is what fooled me into saying the condition was 'acceptable' on my initial condition report (didn't think to turn it over and check the other side).
I'm meant to wash linen... Which becomes a bit problematic, actually... I have clean sheets... And clean pillowcases... But duvets are harder... I have a decent wool one that is queen sized - too big for washer or to handwash without a bath. And a same sized feather and down one that I don't want to wreck... I'll see about drycleaning them tomorrow... Pillows? I don't know... I guess... If I still get bit then the problem must be with linen... I get paid tomorrow... I simply can't do anything until then... And I can't freeze in the meantime... I've carefully examined and can't find any sign of anything... I don't know what to say...
Slept a couple hours and feeling a bit better... But not a whole heap, honestly.
- Need to get stuff to my lawyer for the court stuff. Didn't properly realise she needs to do lawyer negotiating stuff before next appearance... I should say that it would have helped me if she'd had have given me a deadline on getting her the information (for other clients she may have, it might help). Then I need to write my own version of events... Do some photocopying / scanning...
- Physics assignment due on Friday lunchtime... I think I just need to do 2 questions... Elastic collision and inelestic collision. I think I sorted out trajectory motion today (and yesterday). Which is a big deal, actually because one of the exam questions WILL BE on trajectory motion... And if you can do trajectory motion then you can do a bunch of other questions besides... About throwing things straight up... About things falling straight down... About combinations of going up and coming down. ahaha. SIn and Cos are just... buttons on your calculator... FOr resolving the vertical and horizontal component of the initial velocity of a projectile... I hope I have this sorted... If I have... Then I have to say... Physics is kinda fun.
- Law readings. Just because. She's glaring in my direction when she asks a question that should be easily answerable from the readings and I fail to murmer the right answer. We did the Springbok Rugby tour today... WHen the New ZEaland Rugby Football Club accepted an invitation to tour South Africa back when there was a commonwealth country boycotting of sporting activity over there in protest of aparteid... Some of the legal stuff around that... The idea of having standing (being personally affected) in order to bring a case.. A bunch of lawyers who happened to be rugby players were thought to not have standing... Which they appealled... ANyway... Some interesting issues... Even though I feel... Uh... Squeemish? ABout letting policical difference get in the way with / interfere with sport... Not entirely sure what I think.
Anyway...
Biology... Masses of information. This and that lives in marine habitats mostly but freshwater sometimes except for x that is terrestrial. And, you know.. LIke 30,000 extant species... That kind of information... And naming of parts... And so on... It's okay. I'll miss our lecturer, actually, now that we are onto a new one... The next section of the course...
ANyway... Refocusing I am... Meeting with disability guy about lab accommodations tomorrow... Said I can't attend another lab in advance because gives me an unfair advantage for assessment, apparently.. And other students will bitch and moan that it ain't fair... Meeting Friday with mental health nurse...
Stuff to be getting on with... It is going to be okay...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 15:36:46
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2014, at 4:07:42
had another talk to the biology first year convenor about accommodations... which went really rather badly indeed. about every bit as badly as my talks to the foundations program lady. she said a few things... about how university isn't really the time to be doing new things, about how I was asking for an unfair advantage over other students, about how i have no reason to think that i'll be any good at biology etc etc etc...
then when i was like 'the "maybe you just suck at biology" objection' she was all WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!!!!? And I was like 'huh?' and she really really really really couldn't understand that I was giving a label to the style of argument she was appealing to or see how her telling me that 'maybe you just aren't any good at biology' might be her telling me that I suck at biology... The indignation in her voice... She was determined I'd called her an idiot or something. Which I most certainly hadn't. But at that point... I realised... That she kinda was. And that my whole explanation of the sorts of things that I found useful in attending a laboratory in advance... She will never understand any of that. Because I'm sure she was just great at the copying other people game... And of course that'll be largely how she got her degree...
Where does the university find them???
Apparently I need to get a proper learning assessment. By psychology, oh joy. They can asssess my learning needs (apparently) and assess the nature of the tasks (uh huh) and figure out what accommodations would be reasonable. This will, of course, take ages. Guess the idea is to delay delay delay until I piss off and die, or something. Why nobody told me this was what needed to happen MONTHS ago is really beyond me...
Apparently I did get accommodation from chemistry. Even though I never got receipt of application. Reassured the form made it through the appropriate channels... A little sad that I didn't get that grade on what I'd actually done... But I really couldn't see how... Given that I didn't ace the exam... Even with considerable exam grade scaling... Anyway... They have offered for me to go talk to them about possibilities for future accommodations for next year...
And I'm remembering the conversation with the dept head and how he suggested about my doing the labs in a separate environment etc... That it was because of suggestions that he made that got these ideas for accommodations into my head in the first place...
I'm realising the animal biology course I'm doing is... uh... picking up the 'sporty' kids. all the kids who want to be marine biologists etc. the kids who like hanging out at the beach but who also feel like they should get a real job or something. Our last lecturer played this vid with a catchy tune... Some bodybuilder guy wiggling / dancing around and some chick... With invertebrate animal stuff as the words of the song... And the lecture theatre was dead silent. I mean... Everyone was just staring at it enthralled... Nobody was talking talking talking talking talking anymore. I... Really do think that I am of a different species from them. Or something...
Our new lecturer is big on the whole 'different learning style' thing. WHich of course means that he had trouble with 'traditional learning'. So I'm finding it lectures to be... Fairly scattered. Good for the students... If you think that they are 18, most of them, and they don't really know how to learn (most of them). The ones who did well... Well... Biomed. I think that is basically what that degree is for. It has higher entry requirements and thus if the teachers teach to the average... Anyway... Biology is going to be a bit excrutiating for the next couple weeks, I think. Just suck it up...
Physics is going well, I think. I've enjoyed working on the assignment... I'm really loving that they have that tutorial / study room. Something like that would have helped me so very very very very very much for chemistry last semester... And physics people... I just am having a much happier time of things. People don't seem to assume I'm stupid because I don't know how to rearrange my equation. And... Well... Someone taught me how to do one properly (with adding to both sides and crossing out redundancies) and I can do them now... And the people are... Nice, yeah.
Anyway... Back to history / treaty stuff for law which doesn't excite me overly. Looking forward to theory stuff that we are onto after that... But I shouldn't get my hopes up because it is going to be quite a different take from philosophy, I think. Law seems to be an awful lot about... Most-est arguments wins. And of course they want the relationship between law and morality to be tight whereas I really don't see the connect...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 18:55:30
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 15:36:46
glad to be doing a range of courses, yeah. something about... not keeping all of ones eggs in the one basket. think i kinda did that with chemistry last semester. I mean... I thought i would be kept busy with maths etc... but i wasn't really. and motivation became problematic. and i felt a lot of pressure to do well since that was all i was doing.
this semester... forces me to be more efficient with my time. which is... better all around, i think. i need to pay attention to studying smart which means i'm training my ability to focus... to attend to relevant things... to... manage my time, yeah. to shift attention from this course to that course to the next course.
my phone isn't working quite as well as i'd like for basic functions like alarm clock and my schedule (with reminders). perhaps i'm not hitting 'save' appropriately - but things aren't being saved in there... and sometimes... alarms aren't working... not sure what is going on with that... these are the main things i got it for... i'm just with the default calender... wonder if there is a better one... i don't know why i can't set multiple alarms... so it just automatically goes off every day at whatever time i've set it for rather than my needing to set it every evening... anyway... whatever... practice? i guess... sometimes i think the issue is that i'm using it while the alarm goes off... and the notification is cleared by my doing things on it without my actually seeing the notification. i think that is the problem with my not receiving notifications.
the bug thing... i guess one good thing that has come of it is that i have better faith in my... resilence now. my ability to hold things fairly well together through a fairly stressful situation. through lack of sleep... through lack of privacy... i lost it with the bio lady over the bio stuff... but that was, again, like the issue with the foundations lady... with respect to the actual bug thing... i think i did alright. and i got my physics assignment done. and my law readings... i'm okay.
anyway... law tutorial today (first one) over at the actual law school by the high court... this weekend will be a biology weekend... fairly behind with getting my notes into a manageable form... hopefully we won't do too much new content today... just so long as the objectives are clear - he was pretty clear on them yesterday, actually. he is good. it is just that his general manner of being chilled and sort of more of a buddy... isn't so great for me. but to be fair... it is great for probably the majority of students in the class. where those students had a hard time even being quiet for the other lecturer... who i enjoyed a great deal. so... i do like it how first year classes split up the teaching so you get to meet a range of people. helps a lot to mitigate something like personality clashes or perhaps clashes of learning style... so that stuff like that doesn't put you off a whole field...
Posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 18:55:30
Alex, I think it's a great idea to get any help you need, but, knowing that you are a very intelligent person who was close to a getting a PhD in philosophy (way beyond most peoples' capability), you may be giving both yourself and the various administrators the wrong impression by continuing to ask for dispensations. Basically, they seem to have been very willing to ensure that you have the support you need to function at your best. Occasionally, they are going to say "no". This isn't necessarily a reason to become enraged at them and feel they are entirely negative and unhelpful (this sounds a lot like splitting - "black and white" thinking). We all do this sometimes, but I think it can help to be reflective about it afterwards, rather than add them to a "blame list". You don't want that list to grow - they are the people you need on your team to be successful.
Why not give yourself time to develop excellence in these new scientific fields? I bet once you get the basics down, you will get A's all the time! (having studied both, I think pre-med is easier than logic or philosophy).
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 17:18:50
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
I think that your comments show that you don't have a particularly good understanding of my situation.
Why am I asking for laboratory accommodations?
What laboratory accommodations have they offered me? I must have missed that part. Please, enlighten me.
I glad to hear that you found pre-med in the US to be a walk in the park... What do you know of the pre-med process that is required of me in the country in which I am located?
I'm curious... Would you say to someone with dyscalculia that they should just take time to get better at reading? They should keep banging away at learning to read the same way that everyone else is being taught? If they turn out to be good at something else... Sport? Then this is particularly the case?
You haven't encountered the tertiary education-babysitting situation over here, to the best of my knowledge. Over-crowded environments with wiggly people who chatter and yip and squeal and jostle. Overheard conversations of how 'I didn't even study for that last test bro' and 'Have you done your readings? Nah, neither have I' and 'He said that she said that he thought that she did...' And then about how labs are supposed to be fun! And 'just do what she's doing, just copy along!' and the class average for labs is 13/15 percent of their grade for the course *because that is what is required to keep the pass rate up*.
I'm not so good at 'just copy along!' especially since it is supposed to be individual work. Giggle giggle giggle flirt 'I can't do number three it is SO HARD' and lab assistant tells them what to write down...
I don't feel particularly bad about not being able to communicate with people who are employed to deal with the above students. There is a reason why they are employed to deal with the above students. Most of the actual academics have better things to be doing than wasting their time trying to manage students who can't be bothered to turn up, listen, do their reading, do any study etc. Most of them are requesting exam or test or attendance accommodations. Because giggle giggle giggle giggle flirt. But they just LOVE science because labs are SO FUN! And because they think they are good at them. Which might serve them well if they manage to get a job in a medical laboratory one day. You know, filling the jars with agar.
I'd happily leave them to it... But 15 or 20 percent of the grade is the laboratory component. And there are actual things that we are supposed to be learing in labs - and I'm not talking about ones ability to giggle and flirt.
It is possible that (probable that. F*ck*ng well highly probable that) labs will go MUCH better for me next year because I won't be doing the remedial type classes. There are skills I need to learn... I need to learn those skills... Currently... Well... Last lab I had lab partner to deal with... Helping her clean up her mess... Seemed rude to say no. Helping her fill in her lab report. Again, seemed rude to say no. Not showing her my work for the test that was supposed to be independently done. Big eyes from her. Looking around the class.. Never seen so very many people working independently together...
But what the f*ck would I know about social communication.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 17:44:18
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
i wasn't enraged because she said no.
i was enraged because she kept saying that i couldn't observe a lab in advance because it 'gave me an unfair advantage' to have seen the assessment. i told her that i saw that tests being handed out face down, yes. but that i didn't see the content of the test. i was enraged that she thought that that was an unfair advantage. because... i can't communicate with a person who thinks that. i mean... i just don't know what to say to them at that point.
i was enraged because she kept saying i was asking for unfair advantage rather than reasonable accommodation.
i was enraged because she kept saying they were offering me accommodation and when i asked what accommodation they were offering me she started telling me that i wasn't any good at biology. then when i said 'oh the 'maybe you just suck at biology' objection' she went all 'WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME'.
her position is to deal with the giggly flirters who didn't turn up to their lab because, like, they forgot to check their timetable tee hee. or they didn't make that test because big eyes they couldn't find the room. i'm sure she's great at managing such students. herd them through, take 3 years of money out of them. give them a science degree because, you know, they just LOVE SCIENCE because LABS ARE SO FUN!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
i won't have to deal with such people beyond first year.
but next year is first year all over again. except it will be full of the best kids as well as some stragglers. currently... i'm mostly dealing with the straggle...
we will have to see. i'm afraid because chemistry labs got to the point where i couldn't walk into the laboratory without having a full on panic attack / overwhelm that took me out for most of the day. through the semester... labs got progressively worse. i'm concerned that that not happen again. by setting things up in order to prevent crisis.
but i must remember: the reason borderline personality kicked off so very f*ck*ng well over here is because we have no f*ck*ng sense of prevention at all. it is all ambulance at the bottom of the cliff and 'aw we would have spent money on helping them but they went and killed themself and look at the savings we've made!'
of course she wants me to waste three years on a useless degree... that's her f*ck*ng job... to herd the straggle through that. and of course people straggle (do poorly). her job is to deal with the straggle. to console them. when they look at her with big eyes and oggle over how SMART she must be to have such a BIG INTIMIDATING DESK position at a university.
like how the sport people at tech wanted to keep me, too. keep me off the streets. keep me babysitting them... and physio wanted to keep me too. the accommodation people where i was so very very very very very f*ck*ng unhappy. they wanted to keep me. horrible frantic clawing. 'being friendly' we call it.
i have a lot more empathy (really very masses and masses and masses of it) when such people are: not in positions of power over me. because such people... if i don't look after them they tantrum / rage. but they are being paid how much exactly to look after me? LIVID.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:35:19
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 17:44:18
i guess it does come from insecurity. the people who are all 'oh my god! you don't even know how to do that! you should just drop out now because there is no way you can pass!'.
which is what i got fairly early on in chemistry. because i didn't know how to rearrange an equation.
it took all of about 3 minutes for a physics tutor to show me how - and now i can do it.
some people... it is all about hierarchy. the happy puppy game. they just love an excuse to puff out their own chests for being superior to others. the problem with that is that... they are in positions of power. they are in roles like tutor and their job is to help people learn. not to lord their knowledge over others.
those people... tends to be the same people... seem to get a real kick out of the thought that i might be bad at something. i remember at least one primary school teacher being filled with absolute glee that i couldn't be accelerated a year because my maths wasn't particularly good. she obviously didn't like me so very much... WHY COULDN'T SHE USE THAT TO HELP THEM LET ME GO
some people get a kick out of the thought that i might be bad at labs. working things up... labs are a form of 'practical knowledge' that i'm bad at. they get a real kick out of that. glee.
their job isn't to get a kick out of it, though. their job is to help me learn. they're too busy gloating that i don't know, already. puffing out their chests.
i think life it about... protecting oneself from negative forces such as this. minimising time spent... no, that's not true, minimising the degree to which it affects one. the degree to which it affects one. that is about power. you don't want such people in positions of power over you. unless you are particularly good at the smiling and flirting and 'oh my GAWD you are such a BIG and STRONG and SMART human being' game... puff out your chest oh please puff out your chest oh there is nothing more impressive than when you puff out your chest my whole life is devoted to it...
how did this get to be the game at university?
this university is fairly segmented, i'm coming to realise. like how my old university was... then it got to be less so over time... there are a bunch of research institutes about. swipe card access. i'm talking about big buildings here with common spaces as well as hallways and individual offices etc. swipe card access. you really do have to have gated communities in order to function. currently i'm dealing with the remedial situation... the problem is that i can't work my way out of it by beating them at their own game (so to speak) because their own game is teh puffing out of ones chest...
i'm fairly certain that i won't be sticking about to do a physiology degree if that means more contact with the biological science first year convenor... law is... going much much better than i had supposed. the carry over, i mean. had a tutorial and tutor is judges clark (not an idiot). secure enough to take delight in students raising things she hadn't thought of so she got to think of them. instead of being all butt hurt that they scrambled over her in some happy puppy scramble game.
i don't understand why these people are placed in positions of power at university. i mean... i do... it is because you want people *just like them* to herd the masses through. what masses? the masses of squealy, yippy 'did you do your readings? nah.. me neither' people. the ones who 'just LOVE labs they are so much FUN EEEEEEEEEE!' herd them through... take their money... redistribute that to managers who get to puff out their chests.
it is tiresome. i don't function well in it. i need to get away... issue is one of gatekeepers... to a certain extent...
i think perhaps i did do wrong in having this foundations year. i would have been better to have gone straight into biomed... not done well enough in the first year, of course. but learned a hell of a lot over three years and applied to med from that.
this way... dealing with people i'm dealing with... ffs...
it really is a power thing. when those people come to me for stuff (in my class) i do my best to help them learn. even though they seem incapable of returning the favor.
it does go back to that thing... you take power not because you want power. you take it only because your taking it is the lesser of the available evils. sigh. f*ck*ng hat it.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:36:40
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:35:19
back to the whole 'you've learned enough' mentality. 'you've shown yourself to be good at one thing so you are a greedy little bitch in trying to be good at other things'. hatred of me.
need to get away.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:43:32
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:36:40
UNLESS:
all will be saved if i can do a convincing performance.
one where i'm all impressed by aspects of them that they value. their superior social skills and their practical knowledge, i suppose. that would be what they would say about that.
because that is what university is about, of course. that is what it should be about.
take a job... one that is... only going to appeal to a certain number of people. not heaps of people. and then the idea that it represents a considerable investment of resources (from society) to train people to that that job. you might think that all is well that only a few people want to do it because only a few people can. all is well.
but now lets add a little something to the mix: KUDOS. the WOW factor. esteem. lets GLAMORIZE the job by misrepresenting it on television etc. lets make the job HIGH PAYING. now.... a hell of a lot more people want to do it. why? FOR THE WRONG F*CK*NG REASONS.
so now... a bunch of people who wanted to do it for the right reasons... miss out because places are going to people who want to do it for the wrong reasons.
Know what happened then?
THEY WORRIED THAT NOT HEAPS OF PEOPLE WANT TO DO THE JOB AFTER ALL SO NOW THEY WANT TO CHANGE THE NATURE OF THE JOB.
apparently the way to attract more surgeons is to offer BETTER WORKING CONDITIONS. because, you know, the people who wanted to do it for the wrong reasons are worried that they aren't getting all the kudos and money out of it than they thought they'd get. the people on grey's anatomy are having much more fun social lives and much better working hours.
sigh.
the world sucks. honestly.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 19:36:26
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
Ohhh - Kayyy. It wasn't my intent, at all, to make you feel worse. I'm not sure how a post that expresses confidence in your intelligence and potential for excellence, and suggests that you allow those qualities time to come to the forefront, so that you can also have full confidence in them, can be all that stressful. But, I guess it was......
I think we all tend to lose our tempers more when we are under more stress. I certainly do, even though I know it's really not in my own best interest. I think that's all I was trying to say to you.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2014, at 19:34:25
In reply to Re: bugs » Twinleaf, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 19:36:26
> Ohhh - Kayyy. It wasn't my intent, at all, to make you feel worse. I'm not sure how a post that expresses confidence in your intelligence and potential for excellence, and suggests that you allow those qualities time to come to the forefront, so that you can also have full confidence in them, can be all that stressful. But, I guess it was......
I guess I focused on other aspects of your post.
> I think we all tend to lose our tempers more when we are under more stress. I certainly do, even though I know it's really not in my own best interest. I think that's all I was trying to say to you.
Yes, indeed that is true.
I should know you better than to think that you were snarky or something like that with me... I was very stressed. I'm sorry for reacting so strongly.
A large part of it has been my coming to terms with the fact that I need to take another year. I suspect that you are right... That I can do it. Do the whole lab myself... While simultaneously teaching it all to my lab partner... But it will take some more time. For simple things to become automatic to reduce the cognitive load. And as I relax a bit I'm more likely to be better able to figure out how to connect with similarly motivated students...
I feel quite angry that it needs to take so long. It could be done in considerably less time if all the kids who wanted to faff about would go faff someplace else. But... Well... You get what you pay for. Or something. It will take a few years to find my way up.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 20, 2014, at 20:02:19
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2014, at 19:34:25
Thanks, Alex -I really do appreciate your understanding response.
I have gotten the impression that you never got an opportunity to take the math and science in high school that so many people take. Of course I am comparing the US and NZ, and I don't know at all what is usually taught in NZ high schools.
Maybe taking an additional preparatory year will really help fill in those presumed gaps. Just take the number of courses you can comfortably handle. The goal would be to avoid panic, get comfortable and confident - and then just ace those courses!
Posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2014, at 2:02:49
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 20, 2014, at 20:02:19
> Thanks, Alex -I really do appreciate your understanding response.
Thats okay. Sorry it took me so long to get to it.
I think it is so hard because doing my PhD... Then deciding that I wanted to do medicine... Seeing friends decide the same thing for themselves... Seeing them getting accepted to graduate entry programs in Australia. Then getting an interview for NZ and that seemed to go well... And then not even being wait-listed for a place. I felt devastated, rather.
Then taking a bunch of time out... Then deciding it was time to get serious... Then... It feels like to me... Wasting last year on the whole physiotherapy tangent. This year was supposed to be me being back on track. Annoying... Taking a year to do the competitive entry to medicine thing... Felt like I was delaying things for a year having to do that.
Then learning that I needed to take a year to prepare for that year. So this year is preparation for that delay... Then... Coming to terms with another year to prepare... I'll be retired before I'm ready to begin it feels like! How can people say that life is too long!
But, yeah...
I'm thinking I might see if I can take the Chemistry paper I took this year again next year. Don't know if I can. I got a B+ for it which means I got a good 1/4 of it wrong... And I did sh*t for all the labs so I could learn a lot from doing it again... And get my A something or other next time around. Build a lot of confidence. Not sure if I'm allowed... Probably they will be happy to take my money...
I never did math... Or any science. Well, I did biology my final year and just scraped through on general knowledge. I have faint memories of Hardy Weinberg equations but I messed them up for the exam, anyway.
I was an English Lit, History, Art History, kind of person. Classical Studies. I have no math, basically, yeah. No chemistry or physics... And yeah, a bunch of kids have been geeking out on rockets and planets and explosives and so on and so forth... Guns... airplanes... Since they were, like, 7. Ha. will take a bit to catch up.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 21, 2014, at 7:25:01
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2014, at 2:02:49
The usual way of doing things here (US) is to take some math and a science for at least three years of high school. Even in the less good schools, you get geometry, beginning algebra, biology and chemistry. If it's.a better school, you will also get physics and calculus and probably two chemistry courses.
If you had had that preparation, it would have been much easier for you to move comfortably into pre-med.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 23, 2014, at 17:11:58
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by Twinleaf on August 21, 2014, at 7:25:01
well, yes, the math science background you just said... same thing here. i just... don't have the background. so people said i couldn't do it... and i wouldn't accept that... so... i'm doing what i'm doing now, i guess...
feeling really very flat, actually. guess it is par for the course 3/4 of the way through the academic year. we don't have a 'spring break' culture the way the US does... but they do seem to be doing something... with respect to the break. i've got 3 major tests before the study break. i wish they were after the break. then i'd be able to study through the break and i'd feel better prepared for them. only... lecturers would rather do their grading during a teaching recess so they want to do the tests before the break... it will mean i can take a couple days off or something during the break... i think i need it, honestly. and i have a little grading to be doing...
i'm just not caring particularly. i'm feeling like... i'm only doing animal biology because it was meant to prepare me for cell and devo... and i guess aspects are a bit... but mostly... i'm not particularly interested in it... and the physiology stuff is interesting... but we do it at a very superficial level... and some of the philogony stuff doesn't seem terribly far removed from mythology... just waiting for the angels and god at the end of it... adding 'this isn't to imply that humans are at the apex of the evolutionary hierarchy' to the concluding paragraph doesn't... remidy(?) things, particularly... i think... we haven't quite gotten things particularly clear in our way of thinking... which is perhaps why philosophers are working on it. i just... i'm not particularly interested, honestly. i'm sorry... maybe it is just the time of year...
physics... my numbers still don't seem to come out right. feels to me like every calculation requires about 6 steps and even if i get 5 of them right (f*ck*ng yay!!!) and see which steps i need to do / equations i need to employ - i'm still bound to f*ck up one of them. which means i get NO MARKS. :( just stupid things... x10^-3 instead of x10^3 for the unit conversion... or... whatever... hitting the minus instead of the negation button on my calculator... not seeing what rearrangement i need to do to the equation to get what i need... sigh.
law is... history... tedious. i don't know what to say... there is plussage (our grade for the test only contributes to 20% of the grade if we do better on the test than the final)... so... i've got other things to be studying...
fairly sure it is the time of year.
and then i have a chunk of grading next week. just a tiny chunk, actually. only 1 class worth (where 2 is usual). so... should be done in 2-3 days...
I guess... Physics. practice practice practice...
it is also... i guess it is also a bit of a shock to my system that i'm not doing as well as i thought i'd do. i mean... last semester with just taking chemistry... i really thought i'd ace things. and then the first test went really well. but then labs were sh*t. and then things fell apart for the second test, rather, in a way that... was fairly soul destroying for me, actually. physics... physics tests... i'm worried, i guess, that it will be that... doing my best... working hard to prepare for it... just... not being able to do it. i guess it is like they said before... lots of kids spend several years at high school doing this stuff... what makes you think you can just come in with no background and do well in it? and i was like... 'study skills'. and in a sense... that is true. i have an ability to focus that lots of 18 year olds simply don't have... and a work ethic... i have different priorities... but not different from perhaps the top quarter of them... those who have worked hard... so... i don't know what to say... just do my best, i suppose. remember that law was supposed to be a pick me up not a drag me down... physics... onward ho....
Posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2014, at 2:29:45
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 23, 2014, at 17:11:58
meh.
learned about birds today, that was kinda cool. counter-current exchange... how they breathe... how they can fly over mount everest. seems a few things went wrong with people on our way to become gods after all, heh.
i had a memory from primary school today... something about circuits. about having these little wooden boards with switches on them. about wire... little light bulbs. from when i was... 6 or 7... and today... the right hand rule... how the f*ck is it that i remember that one? holy crap...
feymann... talking about explanation... about background frameworks for explanation... and i see why it is particularly hard for people to answer my questions in physics... precisely because i don't know anything... sigh.
had a meeting with the learning people today... the disability people who deal with academics, apparently... as opposed to the other branch i was dealing with before that deals with... pastoral care. or something. i don't know. f*ck*ng confusing... anyway... it went okay, i guess. i think i may have clicked with one of them. the other one... not, really. just that thing again of just really not being on the same page / not being able to communicate. anyway... apparently one of them will contact me in a couple weeks... i hope it is the one i clicked with a bit better... the one who obviously knows about OY1 and didn't ask me to explain it etc...
anyway... biology is getting very messy since i don't have a physical copy of the text... in fact... i suspect... that is what i should do right now: go see if i can get one. better a 6th edition or whatever the f*ck it is in the hand than a 10th edition on the computer. sigh. i really do have to buy textbooks...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 26, 2014, at 19:30:13
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2014, at 2:29:45
law test... went okay. not amazing, but not horrible. feel... fairly okay... fingers crossed for some kind of an A... i do hope that is on the cards...
lab today... exhausted. wah!
then physics test tomorrow :( then court...
then biology test the next day...
then: collapse. then grading.
so tempted to not go to lab and to sleep.. . then study for physics... but borrowing time... shuffles the stress about rather than alleviating things.
dissection of a fishy fish fish. oh joy. and i'm supposed to be playing hide and f*ck*ng seek about fish parts... our lab manual is full of rhetorical questions. whose supposed to be teaching whom hmm? hmm? hrmmmmmm?
sigh.
so tired.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 0:35:23
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 26, 2014, at 19:30:13
well that was actually... fun. we had to put the relevant parts inside circles on a paper tray... and different people had different species... and they put on some music... and i am (slowly) getting the hang of biological drawing...
I got a nice email back from the teaching learning development people... i think maybe they were testing me a little bit...
anyway... i think another year is the thing to do. i'm starting to get a sense of science as being an accumulation of facts... and building up the knowledge... and another year of knowledge can only help. and a lab intensive year... so i can relax more the following year...
important for me to have good contacts, though. so if i do have problems... hopefully a solution can be figured before it gets to panic attack and nearly failing stage - like what happened with chemistry last semester.
physics test tomorrow... right now... i need to sleep. fingers crossed for something approximating a b... oh dear. i am not very good at physics :(
oh.. he showed us this hand turbine magnet (maybe that was what it was) made out of a fisher and paykal washing machine inside. turn the handle and... it powered a light bulb... and an energy saving one, too. i was like 'could it power a tv?' it was amazing how different the resistence felt ... thinking... people who sit and watch tv all day... imagine if you had to power it via a seated bike / hand bike / rower... or an exercise equipment that could... power your washing machine to wash your gym gear at least. ha. anyway... pretty cool... just... still (conceptually) back at force and latter sections of mechanics... got some stuff with electrodynamics... but statics still a bit problematic and magnetism is just woosh right over me for now...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 0:35:23
physics was... i don't know. could have been worse. but then, i could have done better. and i probably did a whole heap worse than i think i did. i work all... impressionistic. then working back through touching up various parts... calculating a different answer with numerous revisions and touch ups... i just don't work particularly... methodically... sequentially... but i didn't freeze up entirely. and i didn't feel rushed. except for the brainwave i had right at the very end... that i didn't have time to compute...
court was...
i think i would probably do a better job of representing myself, honestly.
i keep track of details whereas lawyers... barely seem to read the summary before court appearance. all the stuff i sent my lawyer... don't think she read any of it.
the judge said something about how i might want to think about some kind of reparation. i wrote an apology letter already. lawyer seemed to have forgotten that. then afterwards was tryign to persuade me to say that i want to do anger management next time. she didn't read my f*ck*ng statemnt in whcih i made it clear it wasnt' an anger thing. ffs. judge said a lot of paperwork to be done... which i've done already... which lawyer has done none of.
apparently lawyer needs to get some affadavit thing... for me to sign. lets see what kind of a job she manages to do of that...
i really think... she's looking out for herself...
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