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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 30. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 12:28:31
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2013, at 9:58:22
Yes, perhaps with the rail, she'll be able to get out of bed - which she currently can't do at all. Currently she can't give herself her insulin or put on her cpap, but she believes those problems have been solved. I do worry about whether she'll be able to let the dog out, or clean his messes. But as long as outsiders are going to her house, they'll be able to step in as needed. And it's not really my business unless she decides to make it so.
It really is wonderful to know that someone in authority is aware of all this. And maybe when someone is no longer on hand to cook her dinner, or butter her toast, or get her a drink, or open her string cheese, or let the dog out, or make sure she doesn't fall when transferring, or pick up what falls, or give her her own insulin, she'll find she can actually do it herself. Stranger things have happened, and she's had no real incentive until now to try.
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 12:30:42
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by Partlycloudy on August 21, 2013, at 11:35:05
Thanks guys.
Of course the real test will come if she calls and tells me she needs help, "just this once". I know she'll exhaust her neighbors, friends, and people from the church first.
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 21, 2013, at 16:59:12
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 12:30:42
> Thanks guys.
>
> Of course the real test will come if she calls and tells me she needs help, "just this once". I know she'll exhaust her neighbors, friends, and people from the church first.That is when you will find out where your boundary truly is. Love shows itself in the most uncomfortable ways. Can you say No, or would you want to? It isn't something to worry about. But perhaps something to plan for.
pc
Posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2013, at 17:46:57
In reply to Re: Letting go » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 12:28:31
Oh sorry. I didn't realize things were so bad. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2013, at 19:08:01
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2013, at 17:46:57
My Mother is getting to the point of needing care, too. She wants me to live with her... Though I'm not actually sure that is true. I think it is more that she is deeply afraid of giving up her house.
When I'm there... She can't leave me alone. She never could... But I guess she is worse now... Sneaks in to watch me sleeping, even, which I personally find truly creepy / disturbing.
I personally think she will have a ball in an old folks home. The one that Granddad went to... He still did his forest and bird outings and he got to play bridge more regularly etc etc. Like... Like summer camp. Like being a child again. You can spend all day playing... You don't have to worry about cleaning or cooking or household or work chores...
But then I think about how much I long for my independence now. I long to have... Precisely what my Mother has got. A little refuge to myself where I can close up all the curtains and just do my thing. And I see that that is what she is afraid of. People who will make her get up and sit in the lounge with all the other people when what she most wants is to curl up in bed and be by herself. Other people believing they know what is best...
It is hard. Sometimes I am wrong about what is best for me. I need to learn the hard way, though, I suspect most of us do.
What helped my grandfather making the transition (we stayed with him between grandma dying and his moving into the home) was visiting the home. He got to walk around the gardens and chat to the gardners... They said he could have a space to do gardening in and he could do whatever he liked... He got to ask about the stuff that concerned him. His forest and bird outings. I think there was stuff about his getting to decide about retreating to his room vs hanging out in communal spaces with the herd, too.
I can't imagine anything worse than being with most people most of the time.
Posted by baseball55 on August 21, 2013, at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2013, at 19:08:01
So hard to worry about aging parents when we didn't have agood relationship with them as children. My father and mother, with whom I had a terrible relationship, died when I was 33. It was a relief really.
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:22:43
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Partlycloudy on August 21, 2013, at 16:59:12
It may depend on the circumstances. I don't think I will sucked into helping without boundaries. Hopefully she'll continue her determination to manage without me.
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:25:51
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2013, at 17:46:57
I suppose it's possible that they aren't as bad as they appear. I guess it depends on what her immediate intentions are. I can hope that she's more capable than she appears.
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:30:53
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2013, at 19:08:01
> I can't imagine anything worse than being with most people most of the time.
I can't imagine that either. I really hope I die before I get to the point where I can't live alone. My husband and I do have long term care insurance for ourselves, which does provide some home health care.
The funny thing is that my mother is an extrovert. From that standpoint she'd love to have a captive audience. However, she also cannot tolerate the slightest infringement on her will, so she would also hate assisted living, for completely different reasons than I would.
I really do sympathize with that, and my goal was to help her achieve her goal, without putting herself in jeopardy. But I can't force it on her, and it's doing neither of us any good to continue on. If at some point she changes her mind, I'll worry about it then.
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:40:25
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by baseball55 on August 21, 2013, at 20:31:22
When I was very young, we got along fine. Better than with my father, really. But my mother doesn't care for children as much once they reach ten or so. It was true with me and it's true with her grandchildren.
Fortunately, my father liked children far better once they were past age 10. :) So they kind of traded off, and I didn't get along with her as well. And things got worse after Daddy died. He was able to moderate her behavior somewhat.
I think no matter the relationship with parents, it is a charged relationship. My father was by no means an easy person, and it was difficult as his health was declining and made worse because I loved him so much. My mother is by no means an easy person, and it's made more difficult by the fact that we haven't always gotten along, but I still have good memories of her when I was younger. So there's a push pull of anger and frustration, and guilt.
It's just hard with parents, no matter what. What's the saying? They installed the buttons, so they know where to push?
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:41:57
In reply to Re: Letting go » baseball55, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:40:25
I suppose they can push the buttons without even trying. Just by who they are.
Posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2013, at 22:38:51
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:41:57
Opposite here my kids control me & push my buttons & dictate the rules for even conversing with them. I know the feeling of thinking of assisted living but with the baby boomers some need to be created as now from what I see around me unless lots of money you are on your own at home with some button to push if you fall or have a medical emergency. Helpful neighbors sometimes help with errands if no spouse. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 22:55:59
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on August 21, 2013, at 22:38:51
I daresay my mother has a different view of our interactions than I do.
Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2013, at 0:49:03
In reply to Re: Letting go » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 21:30:53
> The funny thing is that my mother is an extrovert. From that standpoint she'd love to have a captive audience.My mother is, too.
> However, she also cannot tolerate the slightest infringement on her will...
Ahahaha. I think this might be me :)
I'm glad to hear that there are people around who keep an eye on her.
She'll be okay either way.
Sounds like you have done good in stepping back for a bit. For your own peace of mind.
I remember how much I hated assisted transfers when I broke my legs... It is fairly amazing what you can figure out to do if you absolutely have to...
She might be stronger than you think...
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2013, at 2:26:02
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2013, at 0:49:03
It's more a shift of attitude than of practical involvement. She's rejected any practical involvement. I was just banging my head against the wall trying to force her to take care of herself because I couldn't let go of my feeling that it was my responsibility to make sure she's ok. It can't be done. Not by me anyway. In fact, she might listen to others better if I'm not involved.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2013, at 3:36:07
In reply to Re: Letting go » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on August 22, 2013, at 2:26:02
maybe... she wants to not be okay for a bit.
i feel like that sometimes. want to do something that (i actually do believe to be) self destructive for a while.
not permanently...
but, you know, things like spending all day in bed curled up being grumpy. or spending a day watching a season of this or that tv show. or... whatever.
sometimes... i think it might be... just because i can.
then i get over it, somehow and pull myself together a bit.
brush my teeth and have a shower and get out and enjoy the sunshine.
or perhaps even get back to work.i don't know.
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2013, at 4:00:08
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2013, at 3:36:07
Maybe.
I don't really know what she's thinking.
But she's not mentally incompetent and she has the right to make her own decisions. That's what I have come to accept.
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2013, at 4:07:02
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 22, 2013, at 3:36:07
It's really bizarre that she thinks I want to control her. Everyone who comes to her house seems to think I ought to do something about her hoarding. I respond that I can't exactly go into her house and steal her belongings, even if they are trash. I just avoid going there because I find it upsetting. Other people hint that she should be in assisted living. I say I understand that she wants to live at home, and I just want to help her do that with at least minimal safety. My mother dislikes interference in her affairs. I need to respect that.
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 22, 2013, at 7:24:57
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by Dinah on August 22, 2013, at 4:07:02
Dinah, it seems that your boundaries are firmly set up. And also that your mother has no trouble making her wishes clear. That's about as healthy as you can make it. The judgements from others on the outside need a bit of "walk a mile in my shoes" to fully understand the dynamics, and how you are doing what is best for both of you.
PC
Posted by Dinah on August 22, 2013, at 11:30:45
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Partlycloudy on August 22, 2013, at 7:24:57
Thank you. :)
Posted by Poet on August 22, 2013, at 15:02:46
In reply to Letting go, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 8:31:58
Hi Dinah,
I think you've made a very hard decision and that eye twitch will go away as soon as your brain registers "hey, I made a decision, take that worrisome thoughts."
I agree with you that when she realizes someone won't be there every time she needs help, she may just realize how poor her health is. Perhaps one of those who look in on her will convince her that she should be in assisted living. Keep in contact with them and make sure that her dog is being taken care of. Your mother can make her own decisions (right or wrong,) but the dog can't chose to live elsewhere.
Cyber hugs.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on August 22, 2013, at 20:33:58
In reply to Letting go, posted by Dinah on August 21, 2013, at 8:31:58
Yes say in first post that medical professionals agree that she isn't capable of caring for self? Who was the caretaker that left or is leaving? Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on August 23, 2013, at 16:10:17
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Poet on August 22, 2013, at 15:02:46
Absolutely. He's not so young anymore, and dates back to when my father was still alive. I've already taken responsibility to make sure he gets shots, etc.
Posted by Dinah on August 23, 2013, at 16:14:29
In reply to Re: Letting go » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on August 22, 2013, at 20:33:58
It seems as though they are doing a flurry of occupational therapy with her to make sure she can do the basics before he leaves. And she does have a formidable will. If anyone can do it, she can. She's surprised doctors before.
We actually had a pleasant conversation today now that I'm not feeling responsible for her safety.
Posted by Phillipa on August 23, 2013, at 20:21:05
In reply to Re: Letting go » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on August 23, 2013, at 16:14:29
That's really good. Maybe things will work out for the better for you both? I do hope so. Phillipa
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