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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:52
Oh goodness, I never thought of asking this but I'm going to get a shot at it. I'll explain myself, I tend not to attach to people and I was researching about Asperger's and how it effects having a good relationship. I need to get a girlfriend to be with the rest of my life, but I just can't seem to do it. People have asked me If i was gay or something and usally I had fiesty comebacks. I know I tend to be an outsider, but I want to be in the groove of things and become someone that everyone knows and they dont have to...ask, they just see...
I just need to get a girlfriend and someone to depend on the rest of my life, like a wife. I'm so ashamed that I turned out like this, not knowing how to get into a relationship of love. I think it's this Asperger's thing...but listen I want to change and get out of this state. I usally stay in my room, and cry about life but you know there's too many bulldogs in life that don't give a sh*t, and I want to get out of this place.
Can anyone give me some input because i'm willing to act on it, but I can't give a guarrantee its going to work. Mmm sometimes in life you have to expect to be shamed.
Posted by morganator on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:53
In reply to Relationships, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 1, 2010, at 21:16:09
I would find a therapist with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology that can help you figure out if you indeed do fall in the spectrum of Asperger's. I would then talk to this therapist about getting into a psychodynamic therapy group. This is hands down the best way to improve yourself and your relationships.
Posted by kirbyw on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:53
In reply to Relationships, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 1, 2010, at 21:16:09
I think its important that you get into some intensive group therapy. You will get feedback on how people perceive you and you can work on your social skills. This is not necessarily to get a girl friend, so much as to develop your skills at being able to make friends.
Rick
Posted by morganator on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:53
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by kirbyw on May 1, 2010, at 23:05:12
> I think its important that you get into some intensive group therapy. You will get feedback on how people perceive you and you can work on your social skills. This is not necessarily to get a girl friend, so much as to develop your skills at being able to make friends.
> RickCouldn't agree more. I do think it also would eventually help to have a good healthy sustainable intimate relationship with a female. But yes, first in importance is improving quality of life through better relationships with friends and family. Then the the chance of the girlfriend thing happening and being successful will be much greater.
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:53
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by morganator on May 1, 2010, at 23:16:38
I'm going to an Asperger group..it's in Richardson where I live in texas. There are people in there but the thing is i'm going to a AA/NA meetings because i'm in treatment at a hospital and they asked [well its a requirement]. So I don't know ... but really I liked the group I went to ... because the people there .. seemed to have difficulties themselves but they are able to function well. I have trouble with functioning and really I wished I didnt abuse stimulants because they helped with function. But now, alot of people knew I abused them it's in the open, but I abused them severe, so maybe they are not the awnser but I've knew this along time.
I see people that are in the same place as my brother and stepsister in 2000. And really it's like your in a race and you stop to catch your breathe but see everyone pass by and each year that goes by...it's like another generation of people pass you by. Everyone is far away.
Kinda like an ant that gets slow, lost, then the other antz have built a colony already. Get kinda what I mean?
The good thing i'm in a group, the bad thing is I don't know if I can hold on. Still either way the years go by.
Thanks for the imput.:)matt
Posted by Katgirl on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:53
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 1, 2010, at 23:52:50
I'm so glad you have found a 12 step program. Really, STAY with that. You will find good friends there who will accept you just the way you are. I know it is hard to be alone, but right now what you need is friends. I personally have not dated since my divorce three years ago because I am just working on getting better. I know until I can love and accept myself the way I am, I won't be any good in a relationship anyway, and would end up with someone who would just bring me more stress.
Please do stay with the groups and keep reaching out for support. If you do have addiction issues, nothing in your life will improve until you deal with the addiction. You are on the right path, just hold on! :)
Posted by Phillipa on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:54
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by Katgirl on May 2, 2010, at 10:35:04
Matt look at all the friends you have on babble. Love Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:54
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by Katgirl on May 2, 2010, at 10:35:04
Thanks for the posts...I really apprciate them because here I don't have to worry about ... well not all feedback is that negative here, but some of it is constructive critism, but I love the postive side of it.
I love posting my thoughts here, and remaining anaymous [misspelled]
I think it is accepting yourself, but i tend to accept and then say "no" and get these negative thoughts against myself because of all the abuse that I did it just caused shame, and then thinking with an "addict" point of view. I want to get out of the addict side of this and get back to where I was before this all started. I'll definetly keep ya'll updated.
M
Posted by morganator on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:54
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 2, 2010, at 21:31:21
> Thanks for the posts...I really apprciate them because here I don't have to worry about ... well not all feedback is that negative here, but some of it is constructive critism, but I love the postive side of it.
>
> I love posting my thoughts here, and remaining anaymous [misspelled]
>
> I think it is accepting yourself, but i tend to accept and then say "no" and get these negative thoughts against myself because of all the abuse that I did it just caused shame, and then thinking with an "addict" point of view. I want to get out of the addict side of this and get back to where I was before this all started. I'll definetly keep ya'll updated.
>
> MThese behaviors come from more than just your days of addiction. Much of your addiction was most likely a result of the very things that ail you emotionally. This is why you should seriously consider something like psychodynamic group therapy. I really hope you do. Anyway, sorry for pushing this so hard. I hope I'm not being too annoying :)
Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:54
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by morganator on May 2, 2010, at 23:14:54
thanks...
Posted by Techno'n'PillBottles on May 7, 2010, at 6:20:20
In reply to Re: Relationships, posted by rjlockhart04-08 on May 4, 2010, at 0:55:54
Hey RJ,
I liked reading your post, I wanted to post something similar, so this might be a little too much information.
many people have suggested the possibility of me having aspergers, and I haven't got tested or anything yet, but there are alot of things that fit.
relationships are always hard for me too because of my peculiar mental state. I always get girls who are strangely fascinated by me, but can't sustain any of it because I'm too outside the box and it's probly scary. also, I sleep during the day and so many girls are morning people. the girls I have dated for long periods of time are always more damaged than me, I think its cuz they don't get scared by my eccentricities, and I can actually be very supportive for someone like them, but they screw me over, mess with my head, and I always give the support and never receive.
I too have been through 12 step substance abuse stuff. In rehab I did lots and lots of group therapy, and it was a very positive outlet for me.
It sounds like you and I have similar social problems, so here are some things that I have found to work for relationships (friends, not girlfriends necessarily.) I have very good friendships with people who have similar issues, and who want to improve themselves and who can talk about deep stuff openly. 12 step spots are good for meeting people like that, so is group therapy. I would recommend the group therapy for that because the conversations and commonalities won't be so much limited to substance abuse, and you can usually talk much more about different aspects of your life. for my aspergery stuff the helping and being helped part of it is fantastic because talking about issues can be a very mental annalytical process, which comes naturally to me, but it also helps me learn how to connect to other people emotionally. hanging out with people very similar to you will always be great, but try to diversify too. the friends that I have are people who love me for my eccentricities and don't want me to be anything different. they get a kick out of hanging out with someone different and I get to feel like I fit in with the regular folks. it takes a long time to find people like that, but once you do it's great. never try to be anything but yourself with people, especially when trying to foster a lasting relationship. the mask always comes off eventually and the relationship will feel hollow. I always try to find friends who like hanging out one on one or in very small groups, doing low key stuff. big groups, parties, bars, etc. are hard for me to deal with because there are too many things to process and interpret, because I have to do so much of it mentally instead of just going with the flow and feeling it out. and being shy in those environments leaves me playing wallflower a lot.
I always thought that this type of thing with a like minded girl might be the perfect answer for me, but I keep having this issue: we become great friends, we connect very deeply, we "get each other", but she wants to be with a guy who makes her feel a false sense of normality instead of helping her to accept and love the fantastic weird things about herself. It is so hard to find a girl who really wants something genuine and lasting instead of a guy she can use like a medication who doesn't really care about her for who she is. then guess whos shoulder gets cried on afterwards. that's painful, but at least it's a connection with some substance, so I try to accept it for what it is and enjoy it.
I hope you find what you're looking for, and if something works for you please share it with me, I could really use the help too.
This is the end of the thread.
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