Psycho-Babble Social Thread 898803

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 42. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I can't stop crying

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 14:39:00

The email from the guy who decided he can't be friends with me made me realize I am a bad friend. I will probably never have real friends. Anyways, I lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop and had to take the day off work.

I wrote this pathetic email telling him how sorry I was and saying I will probably never have real friends and that I have a lot of problems.

I feel so bad now. I don't know what to do.

 

Re: I can't stop crying

Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 15:18:29

In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 14:39:00

Deep breaths Deneb.

No matter what anyone said in any email, it's just one person. He's not an arbiter of truth in your life.

What happened? I don't think I've heard.

 

Re: I can't stop crying

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 15:21:58

In reply to I can't stop crying, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 14:39:00

I feel the borderline me coming out. I wish I were dead. I'm so sad. I wish I could OD.

:-(

 

Re: What happened

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 15:29:20

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 15:18:29

I put up a profile on plentyoffish, the free online dating site, mostly because my Mom wanted me to find someone.

I am messaging with a lot of guys right now. I went out with two. The first guy, the really successful businessman, I wasn't attracted to, but we had a really great time on our first meeting.

The second guy, was really negative and our first meeting was awful.

Anyways, I planned a second date with the first guy, since he invited me to lunch and paid for it I wanted to pay for something too. I offered to see a movie with him with my two free movie passes.

I was messaging a lot of guys and got confused and thought he was free in the evening, but he wasn't. He figured out I wasn't really listening to him. I also told him I had another date in the afternoon so he thought I bumped him for another person.

He emailed me saying I used him and wasn't a good friend.

I think he is right. I am not a good friend. I will probably never have real friends. I'm so sad now. I wish I were dead.

 

Re: I can't stop crying

Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 15:55:51

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 15:21:58

Well, the good thing is that if you can feel yourself getting out of control, you also have the detachment you need to help yourself stay in control.

Ok, I can see why he's upset. But this stuff happens. It's embarrassing, and you might want to be more careful in the future, but it's not the end of the world. You didn't even find him enormously attractive.

I think the real issue here is that you started dating like crazy to please your mother. And maybe to take a bit of revenge on her at the same time?

Deep breaths now. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing for you to realize that you aren't really doing it for yourself. And you weren't really doing it for that guy or because you wanted a long term relationship with him. He wants someone who does want *him* for who he is. That's understandable. And it isn't a tragedy for you. You want to find someone younger who has more in common with you. You two weren't meant to be together and it's upsetting and embarrassing but it'll pass.

Now, what do you really want for Deneb, not Deneb's mom? Do you enjoy this dating service? Do you want to go on this many dates?

Your mom has had her chance at life and making her own choices. Now it's your turn. Look at your mom and your dad together. Is that what you want for yourself? If not, why would you let your mother guide your choices?

Now. Practicality for a minute. Distress feeds on itself and propels you out of control. Do you have any meds for when you get out of control upset? I take a Risperdal myself, since Klonopin makes me more sleepy than calm. If you don't have anything prescribed for you to take safely, and your pdoc isn't available, is there anything else that helps you feel calm? Meditation? A repetitive computer game? Talking to friends?

If you feel yourself slipping past your ability to control yourself, please go to the emergency room.

You'll get past this Deneb.

 

Re: What happened Deneb

Posted by DG77 on June 1, 2009, at 15:56:40

In reply to Re: What happened, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 15:29:20

I wouldn't take it too personally, Deneb. He obviously had his feelings hurt when he figured out that you weren't into him. That doesn't mean that you can't be a good friend.

I think it's great that you're on plentyoffish and meeting guys there. You might just find one you'll hit it off with. As for the ones you're not interested in, just be honest with them. That's all you can do, right?

 

Re: I can't stop crying

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 16:24:44

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 15:55:51

I think I will be OK. I don't need to go to the ER, it isn't that bad. I don't even know what I want. I was happy being alone and now I'm confused and it is stressful. There are too many guys to talk to and go out with.

I'm not sad because I can't be friends with that first guy. I'm sad because I realized I'm not a very good friend.

I need someone who can accept that I will not always be a good listener or want them around.

I have a lot of faults. I was just happy being attached to Dr. Bob, who can be my imaginary friend and doesn't need anything from me. I don't have to be a good friend with Dr. Bob.

I think a huge problem with me is that I don't usually care about people very much. I am in my own little world. I think it's a personality issue.

I can't attach to people, except for Dr. Bob. I don't think I will ever attach to anyone besides Dr. Bob.

 

Re: What happened

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 16:30:38

In reply to Re: What happened Deneb, posted by DG77 on June 1, 2009, at 15:56:40

I tend to hurt people who are in relationships with me. I'm not good at relationships or friendships. It is better if there is a lot of distance between us or if the person is very understanding and doesn't need anything from me.

 

Re: I can't stop crying

Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 16:55:13

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 16:24:44

Awww heck. I sorta hoped you were a bit attached to me. :)

Deneb, we all are bad friends sometimes. And some of us are pretty introverted and inwardly focused. Some more than others. If you want to change that, you can work on it. But if you're ok as you are, then that's fine too.

People hurt other people all the time. If everyone who hurt someone they cared about (or even casual strangers) decided they didn't make a good friend, there wouldn't be groups of more than one anywhere.

Go easy on yourself. Use this as a learning experience.

 

Re: I can't stop crying Dinah

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 17:04:34

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 16:55:13

Thanks Dinah.

I really like you, even when you ignore me because I am acting out. Hmmm...maybe that is the reason I like you. You have good boundaries, just like Dr. Bob.

I like Babble. I can practice being a friend here.

 

Re: I can't stop crying Deneb

Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 17:09:45

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying Dinah, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 17:04:34

I ignore you! How rude of me!

That doesn't sound like I'm being a very good friend...

I can't recall offhand ever ignoring you on purpose. It's true that at different times my ability to contribute is different. And yes, I have reasonably good boundaries. Years of therapy does have that effect on one. :)

Babble is a great place to practice social interactions. My therapist has been delighted to have a place where he can coach me through it. It's not a bad place to learn boundaries either, if that would be a goal for you.

 

I learned a lot from Babble

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 17:35:21

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying Deneb, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2009, at 17:09:45

I learned that when people reply to your messages, it is good to reply to their reply. It seems simple, but before Babble, I never learned that. I still have to do that more in real life.

I also learned that telling people they make me want to hurt myself when they don't do something does not make people want to comfort me and talk to me. Again, it seems simple, but I had to learn that.

I am very behind in terms of social development. I told my pdoc that I think I am developmentally delayed in many ways. She didn't disagree. I am 27, but the guy who emailed me told me I acted like I was 14. I think that is about right. I think emotionally I maybe even be younger than that.

I think 5 years ago I may have been about 2 to 5 emotionally. I had no idea what friendship was about. I have more of a clue now, but still, it is very foreign to me. I threw many tantrums. I am better at thinking rationally now and talking myself out of my tantrums.

I don't think I will ever be like other people. Intellectually I think I am an adult, but emotionally I am very young.

Developmentally delayed. :/

 

Asperger's?

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:02:49

In reply to I learned a lot from Babble, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 17:35:21

I started googling "socially delayed adults" and came up with Asperger's. I asked my pdoc about that once. She said I don't have it, but I have a lot of similarities to people with Aspergers.

Could she be wrong? My whole life I've been different from other kids. I don't remember ever having real friends.

What is wrong with me? It seems I don't even really desire friendships in the traditional sense.

 

Re: Asperger's?

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:21:59

In reply to Asperger's?, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:02:49

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

I scored a 33 on this test. How do others do?

 

Re: Asperger's?

Posted by Larry Hoover on June 1, 2009, at 18:33:38

In reply to Re: Asperger's?, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:21:59

I scored 15.

Lar

 

Re: Asperger's?

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:40:16

In reply to Re: Asperger's?, posted by Larry Hoover on June 1, 2009, at 18:33:38

I tried this test:

http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test

I scored a 34. :/

Wow Larry, you are very geeky and yet you scored normal.

I am starting to think I have Aspergers.

I seriously had no friends growing up and the "friends" I had in high school were just people I sat together at lunch with.

In uni I had zero friends.

I have zero interest in other people it seems. Sometimes I ask about people because that is what is expected of me.

In other words, I "fake" it.

When I get an interest I lose track of everything else and am obsessed with my new interest, be it astronomy or hamsters, or rats, guinea pigs, netbooks, San Francisco, organic chem...

:/ I am beginning to think I have Aspergers.

 

What do those of you who have met me think?

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:42:43

In reply to Re: Asperger's?, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:40:16

Do you think it is possible I have Asperger's?

 

Re: I can't stop crying Deneb

Posted by SLS on June 1, 2009, at 19:44:48

In reply to Re: I can't stop crying Dinah, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 17:04:34

Hi Deneb.

You are remarkably intelligent - especially where it counts.

> I like Babble. I can practice being a friend here.

That is one hell of a smart thing to say.

I don't know you well enough to be able to form an impression as to what kind of friend you would be. Perhaps you really don't need any more practice than the rest of us. I think the smart ones are dedicated to learning ways to enhance their relationships with others, regardless of age.

From my perspective, I would not be looking for friends on a dating website. If a match doesn't work for romance, then move on to another without feeling obligated to further communication with those whom you are no longer interested in. Some people are not mature or emotionally stable enough to take rejection well. These people may attack you and say some very mean and untrue things. You must commit yourself to not pay any attention to them. They are trying to hurt you. These are acts of vengeance rather than acts of truthfulness. They are most certainly unkind and unnecessary.


- Scott

 

Re: Asperger's?

Posted by SLS on June 1, 2009, at 20:06:04

In reply to Re: Asperger's?, posted by Larry Hoover on June 1, 2009, at 18:33:38

> I scored 15.
>
> Lar


I scored 11.

I can't be *that* normal. Maybe I lied? I tried to answer the questions as honestly as I could. I think they checked for veracity by asking the same question in various ways. I don't think the test was completely valid for me, as I already had an idea as to what the "right" and "wrong" answers would be if you wanted to avoid being labeled as having Asbergers.

I think there is a great overlap in the symptomology of Asbergers and depression, especially if the depression is numbing or involutional and is combined with social anxiety. I am not sure this test can parse out the differences.


- Scott

 

Re: What do those of you who have met me think? Deneb

Posted by SLS on June 1, 2009, at 20:23:09

In reply to What do those of you who have met me think?, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:42:43

> Do you think it is possible I have Asperger's?

No.

If you did have Asbergers (which is no sin, of course), you would not exhibit such freedom and fidelity of demonstrating your emotions. People with Asbergers have the same emotions, but are unable to process them effectively. It leaves them feeling overwhelmed, withdrawn, and undemonstrative.


- Scott

 

Re: What do those of you who have met me think?

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 20:39:19

In reply to Re: What do those of you who have met me think? Deneb, posted by SLS on June 1, 2009, at 20:23:09

Why are my scores so high?

I don't demonstrate my emotions very well in person. Well I cry and stuff, but I am not good with my body language.

 

Re: Asperger's? Deneb

Posted by Sigismund on June 1, 2009, at 20:41:11

In reply to Re: Asperger's?, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 18:21:59

32

I worry that I cheat though.

 

Re: What do those of you who have met me think? Deneb

Posted by Sigismund on June 1, 2009, at 20:43:23

In reply to Re: What do those of you who have met me think?, posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 20:39:19

There's no way that I could really have Asperger's because I can be empathetic.

I have experience with autism.

My feeling about you, Deneb, is that you are not. I'm not sure why though.

 

Re: What do those of you who have met me think?

Posted by Sigismund on June 1, 2009, at 20:45:40

In reply to Re: What do those of you who have met me think? Deneb, posted by Sigismund on June 1, 2009, at 20:43:23

There was that wonderful bloke who thought you were perky, and made a point of saying to me that meeting you was the part of the trip he most enjoyed.

 

Re: What do those of you who have met me think?

Posted by Deneb on June 1, 2009, at 20:52:34

In reply to Re: What do those of you who have met me think?, posted by Sigismund on June 1, 2009, at 20:45:40

Yeah, maybe my pdoc is right. Maybe I don't have Asperger's. I heard people with Asperger's don't have a sense of humour. I enjoy humour.

Whatever it is that I have though, does interfere with my life. I wish I were more normal.

:-(


Go forward in thread:


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.