![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 7:51:41
Yesterday my son slept through the extra shift they'd booked with him at his NEW work.
He woke at 6pm - was to work at 11:30 am. Spoke with him on phone. Convinced him to call - he said - well I've lost my job!
He phoned & they said call later when it wasn't as busy. He called later but no answer. I urged him to keep trying.
So he was booked to work today. I don't kknow if he got through last nite & I know he'll sleep in past 11:30 this morning - if he didn't get through that'll be 2 no-shows.
I wijsh I could just LET GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I'm trying to tell myself - it's not the end of the world... he can get another job, etc. but this was such a good 'fit' for him.
:-(( feeling quite anxious. Trying to control it.
Kath
Posted by MissK on February 22, 2008, at 8:07:36
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 7:51:41
I feel your anxiousness. Our kids are our babies in heart and mind always, no matter how old.
Keep in mind that things have a way of working out, even when it doesn't seem that way. He will find his way eventually.
Hang in there.
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 8:34:46
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious » Kath, posted by MissK on February 22, 2008, at 8:07:36
thx MK,
I wish my emotional part knew that!! My intellect does. Thx for your kind words & it never hurts to be reminded of that.
I should practice a 1-year 'thought' maybe....
1 year from now, will this be a big deal?
Thx, :-)) Kath
Posted by tina on February 22, 2008, at 10:15:33
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 7:51:41
Sounds like you need a little Melodie Beattie.
Sorry your son is worrying you again kath. I can't imagine what it's like as a MOM to watch your boy go through so much and not be able to fix it. Not like kissing a boo boo or putting a bandaid on a scrape when he was a kid. That fixed everything like magic, didn't it?! Seems like he's just going to have to make his own choices and live with the consequences and you really can't help. You're already doing everything right, everything you're capable of doing. I know you are and always have.
I wish I could help Kath. I know, no matter what, you're still going to worry because you're a good Mom and you love that kid.
And that's OK!
Love ya Kath. Sending hugs.
T
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2008, at 10:33:08
In reply to Feeling anxious, posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 7:51:41
I know detachment is easier said than done.
Even at my son's age I recognize that whenever he hurts, I'll hurt. And whenever he makes unwise choices, I'll want to try to fix them.
It's hard to be a parent. And harder to watch your kids make their own mistakes.
Posted by ClearSkies on February 22, 2008, at 11:42:23
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious, posted by tina on February 22, 2008, at 10:15:33
I was just about to echo Tina's words. It's hard to keep learning how to NOT be codependents to people in our lives who struggle with substance abuse problems. I'm reminded of the wisdom of another woman writer, Byron Katie, who (I'll paraphrase here) says that there are three different people's business that we try to mind - our own, other people's, and God's - and the only one that we can ever be successful at doing, is minding our own business. Sounds kind of harsh - I think she had a gentler way of putting it - but trying to mind your son's business, Kath, is what is making you crazy.
He's going to do what he's going to do - because he's already doing it. To wish it was something else, or to worry about it because it seems unsafe or unwise, is what's causing you anxiety. It's only when we trust that the other people are doing what they are meant to do - simply because they are doing it - that we can begin to feel some peace inside.
I've been going through this process with my step daughter, who has chosen her own path. At first it worried me, then it saddened me, and then I had to let it go - because she's already doing it. It's like fighting reality, to wish she was something or someone that she simply isn't. Nothing has changed except how I see her, which is just as herself, not as the person I wish she would become.
Can you see the difference there?
((((Kath)))) It does set you free, and you do not love them any less. If anything, it feels like unconditional love, because that's what it is.ClearSkies
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 16:38:47
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious, posted by ClearSkies on February 22, 2008, at 11:42:23
Thank you all for your words of support & words of wisdom.
You know, the main thing right now is that for the last 3 days he's slept all day & on Wed when I saw him late afternoon, he was really 'out-of-it'. I strongly think that he is taking too much Risperidone. He had been on 5mg during his hospital stay in BC but went down to 4 mg & has been on 4 mg for over a year now. During his last 'voices' episode, his pdoc upped it to 5 mg. Now that everything is under control again, I think that 5 mg is too much for him. I've written his mental health worker about this (they like the family to give this type of input) & hopefully he'll see her Monday. It's not like him to seem so 'drugged'. This is very reminiscent of when he first came back from BC when he was still adjusting to meds etc. Also, he's not perceiving it as out-of-it. He says he's tired. But he's sure seeming more than tired.
ANYway, I feel sad because it's due to the sleeping all day that he's lost his job. I hardly imagine they'd take him back.
If he had screwed up due to partying etc, it would be easier for me to just think "Well, it's his choice. And it's his life." and to not feel so sad about it.
I hate it that he has mental illness. And I'm angry, as I believe his drug use contributed greatly to it. Although when we discussed it a week or so ago, he told me about a time when he was about 13 or so when he was at the mall. It was before he was doing weed. He said that as he was walking through the mall, he was able to hear what everyone else was saying as they walked along having conversations. He's been diagnosed with schizophrenia, so maybe he would have had it anyway. But having used drugs certainly can't have helped the situation!
Anyway, yes, I'll start reading my Melody Beattie again Tina, and Clear Skies, I'll try to find that lady's work in the library.
CS, as to:
>He's going to do what he's going to do - because he's already doing it. To wish it was something else, or to worry about it because it seems unsafe or unwise, is what's causing you anxiety. It's only when we trust that the other people are doing what they are meant to do - simply because they are doing it - that we can begin to feel >some peace inside.I'll try to look at it that way. I think I'm feeling scared also. Seeing him like this is REALLY like looking at someone who is mentally ill & that's scarey.
Thanks again for everyone's support.
I actually LET myself feel the sadness & have a cry. I HATE feel uncomfortable feelings. I'm glad I start my group therapy on Monday. I'll certainly have something to say (as the doctor said is important) "This is happening in my life & I'd like to deal with it....."
Sometimes I feel really weary of having to carry on in this life. Sometimes I just don't want to (& that's very different from thinking of doing something to NOT continue - that's not what I mean). I wish I didn't feel pain about what other people are going through. I wish I were meaner! Or just didn't care.
Sorry. I feel like I'm really whining like heck!
~sigh~
thanks for being such nice people.
Kath
Posted by MissK on February 22, 2008, at 18:14:25
In reply to Now I'm feeling sad., posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 16:38:47
With your son's diagnosis, I imagine you will always have moments of sadness. I hope attending the therapy group will help you with those.
Posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 21:55:58
In reply to Re: Now I'm feeling sad. » Kath, posted by MissK on February 22, 2008, at 18:14:25
> With your son's diagnosis, I imagine you will always have moments of sadness. I hope attending the therapy group will help you with those.
****Thanks, I think you're right MissK. I am pretty sure the group therapy will help me.
A pre-requisite for it (I suspect to help the doctor keep the numbers down, and also because it's proven that illness in the family is hard on people & can lead to family members becoming ill) is that there is an ongoing illness in the family.
She has 2 groups. One for folks with ongoing illness - ex, cancer, chronic ongoing pain, etc.
The other group is called 'bystanders' - for the families of the above.
My feelings are less intense now. When I saw my son tonight briefly, he agrees to look at the meds situation Monday with his worker & pdoc, if pdoc is available. That's a relief for me, that at least he's willing to look at it. He was a quite a bit more 'with-it' tonite. Still not as well as he has been, but any improvement is welcome.
Thanks, kath
Posted by R. -T. V. 52y on February 24, 2008, at 5:16:29
In reply to Re: Feeling anxious, posted by ClearSkies on February 22, 2008, at 11:42:23
I totally agree. I can't jump into my son's trousers. The only thing I can do is to communicate, but it's up to him to listen or not to listen. Of course his willingnness to listen depends on the way in which I put it. There is the breaking point of my responsibility.
I have had some help in this subject from the ancient Roman thinker Seneca:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seneca_the_Younger
Posted by R. -T. V. 52y on February 24, 2008, at 13:13:16
In reply to Re: Now I'm feeling sad. » MissK, posted by Kath on February 22, 2008, at 21:55:58
Well,
eg. schizophrenia is quite a severe illness, but like every illness it can be cured, the medicines have developed hugely from the 70s when someone quite near me got such a diagnosis...
also lung cancer is not a nice diagnosis, but could be cured by a very skilful Finnish surgeon,
and each thing in this world has two sides: a positive and a negative one,
one should always remember this fact and try with every possible means to reach the positive side,
an anecdote from old rural Finland:
there was a male servant lying on the bench beside the wall,
when suddenly a knife fell down from the wall and the servant lost one of his eyes,
but this guy was a positive one, and said:
Thank God it was't the pair of scissors..... .)
Let's always hope for the best,
yours Richie
Finland, EU
Posted by Kath on February 24, 2008, at 16:30:59
In reply to Re: Now I'm feeling sad., posted by R. -T. V. 52y on February 24, 2008, at 13:13:16
Hi Richie,
Thanks for that story!
I am in the process these days, of trying to keep steering my mind back to the positives. That is such a good story as to how to think positively.
I'm attempting to keep things in perspective & one way in which I can do it is to remember how things were last year at this time, & compare the 'now' problems to THOSE BIG ones!!!
Thanks very much for the scissors story.
By the way, I'm very interested in reading what Seneca wrote to help you be more detached. I cannot see myself wading through the wikipedia site in search of it - I do thank you very much for including that link.
Were there maybe one or two works in particular by Seneca that helped you?
thx, Kath
Posted by ClearSkies on February 24, 2008, at 16:54:22
In reply to Re: Now I'm feeling sad. » R. -T. V. 52y, posted by Kath on February 24, 2008, at 16:30:59
> Hi Richie,
>
> Thanks for that story!
>
> I am in the process these days, of trying to keep steering my mind back to the positives. That is such a good story as to how to think positively.
>
> I'm attempting to keep things in perspective & one way in which I can do it is to remember how things were last year at this time, & compare the 'now' problems to THOSE BIG ones!!!
>Interesting you should say that Kath, as I was just thinking how my tendency is to dis-remember or sometimes even forget my own history, and just dwell on the present circumstances. Human nature, I suppose, yet it's helpful to recall the far journeys that some of us have been able to make. A friend of mine was kind enough to point it out to me the other day.
And yet, we tend to look at the sorrows of today, and frame our miseries in that picture alone - we lose the perspective that yesterday would bring us. And so I forget the misery that I, myself was, just 4 years ago; unable to wrap more than a few weeks of sobriety together at a whack. Unable to look farther than the end of my nose, really.
Incredible what the passage of time has brought. And yet, time has robbed me of the memory of the misery; the abject misery of that time from my recollections. I have to look back in the archives here to really be able to recall how unhappy I was at that time. Isn't that incredible? It's all so subjective.
Anyways, neither here nor there, but just, today. It's just as well that I don't wish for what was, because the reality is that those WAS days were fairly grim. Soaring highs - sometimes? not quite. More like the contrasts between the pitch black of deepest depression and the release from that darkness. Now I'm somewhere in the middle, roaming in between - not quite soaring, not quite in the depths. It's a fine place to be, if I let myself the pleasure of it.
ClearSkies
Posted by Kath on February 24, 2008, at 17:46:57
In reply to Re: Now I'm feeling sad. » Kath, posted by ClearSkies on February 24, 2008, at 16:54:22
I hope you allow yourself the pleasure of your 'in between', more moderate 'now', ClearSkies. You must have worked very hard for it. You deserve to be REALLY enjoying what your hard work has given you.
You deserve the biggest congratulations. I hope you do give them to yourself!!
My anxious part can get SO bent out of shape by anything! Lately I sometimes catch myself saying amazing things to myself ( thinking them)! Not always, of course, but a bit more frequently than I used to.
The other day I thought, "Well, okay, he's lost a job that seemed to suit him really well; guess what - he could have had a 'slip' & used cocaine!!" WHAT a contrast that is eh?? And what a reality check.If I'm all bent out of shape about something that isn't huge, I hope my friends here remind me of that type of contrast!! :-)
Have group therapy tomorrow. Have been feeling fairly depressed today, so I'm glad I have it tomorrow. I think going there feeling bad will be a good thing!! As a new person, I'm given a 5-minute time to tell a bit about myself. I'll probably spill my guts bigtime!!!! I'm nervous that I'll talk too long & get told "TIME IS UP". I think I'll tell that fear right up front!
hugs to you CS luv, Kath
Posted by R. -T. V. 52y on February 25, 2008, at 14:22:12
In reply to Re: Now I'm feeling sad. » R. -T. V. 52y, posted by Kath on February 24, 2008, at 16:30:59
Hi Cath
The Finnish collection of Seneca which i once read is of course a special collection. But i think you could start with this link:
http://www.stoics.com/books.html#SENECAE1
And choose the Epistles vo I-III, be careful not to be in too much hurry while reading this,
It's 22.22 o'clock EET, good night!
Yours Chris
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.