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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 2:02:43
I finally worked up the nerve to post a profile and picture on an online dating site. Spent half the day editing my profile and taking the stupid quizzes they use to match you up. Finally got it all acceptable, then I notice at the bottom it says this:
Compared to others, she is:
Less loving
More independentWell, the independent part I can accept, but "less loving"? That's an awful, awful thing to put on somebody's page. And it happens to correspond pretty closely to one of my deepest fears about myself and dating in general... that I'm just not loving enough.
It's cut me to the quick. Heck, why don't they just put "She's too fat" or "She'll never find love" or maybe just "Men, run away"?
I guess I have to either delete it, or go back through the stupid test (hundreds of questions) and re-answer every one that seems like it might have caused that to show up.
Posted by Sigismund on June 18, 2007, at 3:16:56
In reply to Online dating site horror story, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 2:02:43
Could you just say something like 'love sucks' and hope for the best?
Posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 3:27:39
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Tabitha, posted by Sigismund on June 18, 2007, at 3:16:56
I deleted all the test answers and started over. Darn site. Guess I'm probably making too much out of it, but heck, it felt awful seeing that.
Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2007, at 7:18:00
In reply to Online dating site horror story, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 2:02:43
That is awful, Tabitha. I cannot believe that in the entire dictionary they couldn't come up with a more accurate, not to say kinder, description of what they were trying to say.
And if they're trying to match people up, they're making an odd job of it.
I've "known" you here for many years, and I can't imagine why they'd say that. Independent certainly. But you've been loyal and kind and all the things that to my mind embody the very spirit of what "to be loving" would mean, and I can only imagine that they mean something more along the lines of demonstratively affectionate.
I wonder at people who run a dating service but appear to have no idea what qualities make up love.
Grrrrr....
I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling furious at such a patent untruth about a friend.
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2007, at 11:54:29
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2007, at 7:18:00
Tabitha I wonder if the same thing happened to Jay the Bravest and that's why it hasn't worked for him. And that's a horrible thing to say. Love Phillipa ps maybe another online site?
Posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 14:41:34
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2007, at 7:18:00
Oh Dinah you've really brightened my day :-) Thank you thank you thank you
Posted by fayeroe on June 18, 2007, at 18:01:27
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 14:41:34
Tabitha, was it the big dating site that the "gray-haired" man advertises and guarantees to make you 1000% happy?
I read a story in the news the other day that someone had sued his site because of the "unfair" characterization that the "computer generated evaluation" puts up........
I think that site has a questionaire like one that I filled out for some studies last year. The computer generates it's "opinion" of you. It said that I would not make a reliable employee. I took it to the counselor at school and she just pooh-poohed and said , "oh, that darned computer just spews that stuff out".......duh, get new software.....I am a very reliable employee and always have been. Even when I'm self-employed, I do my work when I plan on doing it or say I will do it.
That really, really makes me angry that they did that, as I've always found you to be a very fair and supportive person. How could they say that about you is beyond me......xoxoxo
Posted by confuzyq on June 18, 2007, at 20:06:19
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 14:41:34
Tabitha, I took the free gazillion-question quiz at one of those sites myself once, out of curiosity about what the results would say. It was so far off that it was outlandish; so far off that even *I* couldn't take it personally and stress out about it (and that's saying a LOT). Not the kind of stuff one might just be "in denial" about either -- things one just knows for sure about themselves by a certain age.
Similar in off-baseness to what fayeroe said. My results said, to name just one thing, that my potential beloved was going to have to understand that I would always want big groups of people and friends around us. Whereas in reality, I'm so content alone, for unlimited periods, that my beloved himself would be lucky if I wanted him around much lol. (I do recall being just a *hair* more positive in my answers than I was feeling in reality at that moment, for that very reason. But, just a *hair.*)
Easier said than done but please try not to take it to heart; I know beyond a doubt that those computerized tests can be off by whole galaxies! Also, while "less loving" is in fact a tactless way to put it, I'm proud of and have often been complimented on my in-fact loving, yet never smothering or needy, ways. That's how I would take that statement if I were you, as a type of compliment, and exactly what some guys are looking for. (They probably just wouldn't put it that way, and neither should the site have!)
Posted by Kath on June 18, 2007, at 20:58:46
In reply to Online dating site horror story, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 2:02:43
Jeez - my response is do you want to be on that site????
If that's how they categorize YOU, can you trust what they say about others????
Maybe there's another site.
Sorry this happened. Try not to take it to heart because HEY - nobody sat down with you & talked with you or went for tea; got to know YOU!!!
(((((((((((((you))))))))))) Kath
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on June 19, 2007, at 0:37:06
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 3:27:39
> I deleted all the test answers and started over. Darn site. Guess I'm probably making too much out of it, but heck, it felt awful seeing that.
We should compare notes. I keep running into all of the wrong women on these date sites. They see my picture...tadaaa..and then think I am supposed to be some Brad Pitt type or something like that! (No, I don't look like Brad Pitt...) I am running into many 'seperated' women...who've been 'seperated' for a month! I just ask for a few things..like somewhat smart (that is very important to me..) compassionate (also very important)..but, no-go. I've even had contact with women who thought I was gay. But..did they not notice..I POSTED AN AD for a female friend/date! Ughhh...
Jay
Posted by Tabitha on June 19, 2007, at 2:51:09
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Tabitha, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on June 19, 2007, at 0:37:06
Thanks for all your thoughts. I guess most people probably don't pay much attention to those little evaluations anyway-- they're more of a gimmick really. That one just caught me off-guard, and it sure is a tactless way to put whatever it is that it was evaluating.
Doing this at all is bringing up old vulnerabilities that I haven't had to face for a long time, but I'm going to give myself credit for leaving my profile up after that. I sure wanted to delete it and just hide.
Posted by Kath on June 19, 2007, at 14:56:18
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Tabitha, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on June 19, 2007, at 0:37:06
Hey Jay - if they thought you were gay, that probably means you have a lot going for you in that - [not meaning to stereotype at ALL]
a lot of the gay men who I know are MARvelously sensitive, kind, caring - those great types of things.I'm not saying that straight guys aren't like that, but maybe those type of qualities are shining through!
Yeah - you'd think they'd 'get it' that you were looking for a female. Sounds like those particular women don't qualify for you anyway, in that you want intelligent, right?
hugs, Kath
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on June 19, 2007, at 15:21:47
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Jay_Bravest_Face, posted by Kath on June 19, 2007, at 14:56:18
> Hey Jay - if they thought you were gay, that probably means you have a lot going for you in that - [not meaning to stereotype at ALL]
> a lot of the gay men who I know are MARvelously sensitive, kind, caring - those great types of things.
>
> I'm not saying that straight guys aren't like that, but maybe those type of qualities are shining through!
>
> Yeah - you'd think they'd 'get it' that you were looking for a female. Sounds like those particular women don't qualify for you anyway, in that you want intelligent, right?
>
> hugs, KathHi Kath...
Yea, I meant to let it be know I have no problem in the world with being called 'gay'. Thank you kindly for your sweet comments. I guess also I am not really your typical 37 year old male. I've lived with mental illness for 17 years (and maybe longer back...I just never got a medical diagnosis back then.) I am 'restarting' my life all over again, like finishing university, and many women also have a hard time dealing with that. Many women in my age group likely have been married before, and have kids and such. That doesn't bother me, but they think it odd that I have never been married and don't have kids. I really wish I was at least 10 years younger. I am not a bad looking guy (so I've been told..) but no Hollywood star. I am actively working on getting in better shape, as the psych drugs have cause a fair bit of weight gain. I am losing about 10 pounds every two weeks, mostly through aerobic exercise. Even when I dress up, fit into slimmer pants, and look quite sharp, women still see no interest. When I first got dx'd with my mental illness, I didn't take care of my appearance in clothes too well. But, now I am back into wearing designer jeans, beautiful looking cotton and even silk shirts, and often a sports jacket. So....here I am...single..lol
Thanks..peace :-)
Jay
Posted by Wildflower on June 19, 2007, at 17:33:05
In reply to Online dating site horror story, posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2007, at 2:02:43
I have a feeling I know what site you tried. Here's what my profile said about me. It sounds eerily similar to yours.
"...it may seem to some like you have too much head and too little heart... there will inevitably be some who see you as selfish and uncaring.
Whatever.
Posted by Tabitha on June 19, 2007, at 23:29:32
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Tabitha, posted by Wildflower on June 19, 2007, at 17:33:05
Hey Wildflower, nice to see you.
>
> "...it may seem to some like you have too much head and too little heart... there will inevitably be some who see you as selfish and uncaring.Uh, well at least they tried to qualify it a bit with "it may seem to some...", not that it probably makes much difference. I don't think it's the same site though-- this one just has little 2-word comparisons "More X" or "Less Y".
>
> Whatever.That's the spirit.
Posted by Kath on June 21, 2007, at 12:07:11
In reply to Re: Online dating site horror story » Kath, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on June 19, 2007, at 15:21:47
Jay - you sound like a real 'catch' to me!!!!!!!!!
Hey - don't despair - my husband was about 40 when we married & had never been married or had kids! I was delighted! I think women should be really glad to find someone who doesn't have the 'baggage' of ex-wife & kids!!
You know, I sometimes wonder how many 'healthy' people there are 'out there'. I suspect that a lot of women have radar for a certain type of person that something deep inside them knows won't treat them really well. My daughter used to be like that. She'd find really, really nice guys boring - or say there just wasn't alot of 'spark' or something. I think a lot of folks don't have a great self-esteem; maybe have been treated badly & think that's all they deserve.
My husband & I were friends before becoming romantic. I LOVE that! It's such a wonderful basis for a relationship. But I think a lot of people want sparkle & fireworks & to be swept off their feet first.
I still maintain that a great way to meet someone is to get involved in something you really like - photography; book club; movie group; sport group etc. That way you can meet people just as friends & perhaps get to know them & then see if you click with someone; go for coffee & see what happens. I am SO glad I'm not single. It must be so stressful to really want to meet someone; get married; have kids.
(An aside here - let it be know that if you have kids, please be aware that you do NOT know what's going to happen in their lives. Are you willing to put yourself into a situation where your - for example - 23 year old son has addiction problems, is on antipsychotic meds as a result, has considered living on the street - etc, etc. Obviously I'm describing my son. I LOVE him dearly, but would I have kids again? NOPE. Sorry to be negative, but I'm always open with people when the topic of kids comes up. On the other hand, you sound like you'd be a great dad.)
hugs, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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