Psycho-Babble Social Thread 691570

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

sending random emails to the past

Posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:53

I was recently given information that an Ex is now married, and his email. And after a long time of never thinking of him once, I now have an urge to contact him.

I don't really know why I feel I need to, or what I would say -- It would be really out of the blue for him. But has anyone ever tried to reconnect with someone from the past before? Was it a disaster or a good thing? ...Even if it was only to search down an old classmate or something.
Is it bad to try and revisit the past?

EL

ps. I feel a bit naked posting a thread not on the Psych. board.

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM

Posted by Phil on October 3, 2006, at 20:28:10

In reply to sending random emails to the past, posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:53

I like this old saying--let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Re: sending random emails to the past

Posted by Phillipa on October 3, 2006, at 21:36:26

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM, posted by Phil on October 3, 2006, at 20:28:10

Well before computers I had an old love in Florida and was visiting found phone number called. He was married with two kids but at least I got on with my life and stopped comparing him to my husband. Love Phillipa

 

Re: sending random emails to the past

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 22:59:04

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past, posted by Phillipa on October 3, 2006, at 21:36:26

how about if you write a handwritten postcard. If you're not comfortable writing what you need to say on a postcard, then it probably shouldn't be said. His wife reads his mail, most likely-- my husband even reads my emails sometimes when he's worried that I haven't paid one of my bills (umm, how do I tell him that I have over 300 dollars in library overdue fines. F*CK ME!!!. well, I need to collect my books and return them. that should help, somewhat...
f*ck! (sorry for the digression. a little unhinged in the last 30 seconds!!!ahhh!)


Or, you can write to yourself about him, in your own journal, or here on babble or something like that.

-Li

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » Lindenblüte

Posted by Phil on October 4, 2006, at 5:58:35

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past, posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 22:59:04

...300 dollars in library overdue fines.

Ouch!!

 

Re: sending random emails to the past

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 4, 2006, at 7:03:54

In reply to sending random emails to the past, posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:53

I think it's usually a bad thing. You broke up for a reason. Why expose yourself to potential hurt by contacting someone who might not even care about you....

Just my opinion,
take care,
butterfly

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » rainbutterfly

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 4, 2006, at 7:59:47

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past, posted by rainbutterfly on October 4, 2006, at 7:03:54

One time a guy from my past, who I had a most disastrous romantic affair with, returned, and asked to go on a walk with me, as he had "something he wanted to talk about me with".

Well, I guess he was at a point in his life where he had actually experienced heartbreak, and realized his own role in breaking my heart most cruelly and viciously. Well, he apologized for all of these minutiae and things that I didn't even remember from 3 years earlier, and for acting like this and that, which I never percieved, and for all of these insecurities, which I never percieved.

I was engaged, and listening to his "confession" of sins (very much in the Catholic tradition), I was somewhat amused, but mostly annoyed. I couldn't get into this deep place of regret that was making him cry even as he asked for a hug, which I uncomfortably granted him.

And the whole thing was very memorable, but did not have much meaning for me. I was in a much more stable and loving relationship. I haven't kept in touch with him. I wonder if his "confession" helped him at all, or whether it was just another symptom of some great upheaval in his life. Oh well. We just didn't have any connection.

So, if you miss the "connection" you are not likely to reestablish it. Better look elsewhere, or find a different set of priorities. (dog? cat?)

And if you want to learn more about yourself, Elaine, then you should look within yourself, or your current relationships, not to this person who has no doubt changed just as you have in the intervening time.

with pink gloves (in my imagination)
-Li

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM

Posted by Wildflower on October 4, 2006, at 19:07:30

In reply to sending random emails to the past, posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 16:40:53

My advice is to throw the email address away. A few years ago, I decided to send an email to an ex of mine to see what he had been up to. His fiance obviously had access to his email and she responded with some very *colorful* words -- to say the least. I had no idea he was engaged and it really hurt to know that it wasn't me.

 

random emails ---- phil, phillipa, Li

Posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:16:32

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past, posted by Lindenblüte on October 3, 2006, at 22:59:04

Phil: Ya, I guess that makes sense. I think I just want to wake the dog up to see if it's any different than before.... and then he can go back to sleep.

Phillipa: It's strange, I thought I had moved on with my life (or at least got caught up in it's current). I really hadn't thought of him in a couple of years. But maybe I just had too much other garbage going on at the time to spare the brain waves, like learning how to feed myself and all that other stuff.

I'm just not sure I can move on from learning that (of all things) he's married. He even had a baby on his knee in one of the pictures. It's so bizarre to see. I feel like I want to hear him speak to prove that this is the same person.

Li: D@mn, $300 is a helluva lot of fines. The most I ever had from one library at a time was $120 -- and that was only because it was sheet music.

You know, I never considered that spouses may read each others mail. I don't think that I would be writing anything that she would care to read - or be upset or angry to read. Though honestly, I'm not even sure what I'd say. Right now it's more of just a feeling of needing to do this.

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » rainbutterfly

Posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:23:41

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past, posted by rainbutterfly on October 4, 2006, at 7:03:54

You know what, I think a bit of the hard part is that HE was the one who ended it -- abruptly, hurtful. I think I would've stayed with him forever if he let me. But it's true (like you speculated) that I don't think he would care about me now. Part of me thinks this whole thing is because my time with him was the last thing going on in my world before I imploded. He was a cause of alot of pain, but he is also responsible for some of the last goods times I can remember feeling -- before my life and body went to h*ll. I am trying to talk myself out of this idea by saying that it's more likely that I'll just collect for hurt from him.

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » Wildflower

Posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:34:38

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM, posted by Wildflower on October 4, 2006, at 19:07:30

Yes. I am hurt that he's married now -- and that I saw pictures -- When I wasn't ever allowed to touch him in public, nevermind be photographed. I guess it's unfair for me to want to ask, but I want to know why I got the mean and angry man, and she gets the smiling man who puts his arms around her infront of all the others in the picture, who holds their dog up to his face to pose with, who looks like he doesn't have a bad bone in his body. I guess pictures can lie though. We looked "alright" around others....who knows. It's been a few years -- I suppose people can just change. I've gone downhill, maybe he went up.

Wildflower: Did the guy ever get back to you himself, or was that it?

 

Re: random emails ---- phil, phillipa, Li » ElaineM

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 4, 2006, at 22:37:42

In reply to random emails ---- phil, phillipa, Li, posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:16:32

Okay- 300 is for lost books, which aren't even lost, they are just "on extended loan" according to the borrower.

the other 50 some odd is from sheet music. I loan out parts to my chamber music buddies, then I go all crazy, and forget who I loaned them to, and forget that I was ever thinking about playing in a quartet haha.

I'm hopeful that finding and returning the lost ones will greatly reduce the amount of the fine. Hopefully less than 100 bucks. Thank goodness that the lovely husband of Li hasn't access to my library acct. Although he knows there are fines in excess of "forty" dollars, he has not been too keen on pressuring me to confess the extent of my sins. Kind of like my current poundage, which I never told him for about 2 years. lol. Um, honey, it's somewhat bigger than golden retriever and less than a buffalo. enough information. end of discussion :)

-Li

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 5, 2006, at 8:46:02

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past » rainbutterfly, posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:23:41

My suggestion is not only throw the email address away, but shred it and flush it down the toilet..... after using the toilet. It really does sound like you got the rotten end of the stick with this dude.... I am so sorry,
xo butterfly

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » rainbutterfly

Posted by Lindenblüte on October 5, 2006, at 10:49:36

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM, posted by rainbutterfly on October 5, 2006, at 8:46:02

Hmm. I found a very cathartic thing to do once with an ex-bf.

I made a paper doll of him. I exaggerated a lot of his features. Especially the feature he liked to use to make most of his decisions with.

Then I put all kinds of uncomfortable clothes on him, dressed up his little paper doll like Bart Simpson going to church on Easter Sunday. Then I made his paper doll do all kinds of dumb things that my ex would have HATED doing. And then I kind of did a voodoo doll on him, and eventually ended up with few curls of carbon and a pulpy mess in the blender.

I was really mad when I started, but by the end, I just felt SO silly and so relaxed. It was a good time for all. (except for the paper effigy). Actually I had to make a couple of paper effigies, as I felt many confused and conflicted feelings. so... *cheers* to the paper doll :)

-Li

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » ElaineM

Posted by Wildflower on October 5, 2006, at 19:38:49

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past » Wildflower, posted by ElaineM on October 4, 2006, at 22:34:38

> Wildflower: Did the guy ever get back to you himself, or was that it?

No, I never got the guy back. I keep telling myself that exes are exes for a reason -- as hard as that is. Obviously we weren't meant to be and there's someone better suited for me out there. It's when I'm sad, down and feeling alone that I let my past haunt me. These days it haunts me often. I pray that you're not in that situation.

 

Re: sending random emails to the past » Lindenblüte

Posted by rainbutterfly on October 6, 2006, at 16:25:56

In reply to Re: sending random emails to the past » rainbutterfly, posted by Lindenblüte on October 5, 2006, at 10:49:36

-Li - excellent suggestion, rofl!


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