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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
My guess might be self esteem. Or it could be relationships.
It may not seem this way on Babble, but I'm terrified to be among people. My husband and I have a mutually beneficial arrangement. He enjoys being among people so when a parent needs to accompany my son, he does it. Or when we go somewhere, I cling to him and let him do the active socializing while I smile.
I'm talking about totally social situations.
As luck would have it, my son really wants to attend a social event that my husband will be unable to attend. We've answered we're going to attend, but I'm terrified.
The things that most people would have no problem with seem huge obstacles to me. Where do I park? Where do I enter? What should I wear? It's casual, so if I had a pair of jeans or something, I guess I'd wear that. But I don't. No power on earth will convince me to expose my knock knees to people I don't wish to think ill of me by wearing shorts.
Is it ok to stand a bit off from everyone else? I don't wish to intrude where I'm not welcome. I don't want to be stand offish either. I don't know what to say. I'm not up on popular culture after the early nineties. I don't know any of the local gossip.
Overall, I'd rather get a colonoscopy than attend a social event with people that I'd rather think not badly about me.
Posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2006, at 12:20:20
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
If you smile and ask people questions about themselves or their kids they will love you. And you won't have to talk about yourself at all.
Let your son decide where to park and where to go it. It can be an adventure to see if he can figure it out.
They want to like you.
Posted by wildcardII on August 14, 2006, at 13:13:31
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
you're not alone...social situations cause me more stress and fear than most anything and have for 5 years now. i have tried everything to make things better but it's hard. then i end up feeling like a failure as a parent and my 'sig. other',(if that's what you want to call him), gets p*ssed and thinks i'm being lazy when it's a paralyzing fear. i understand and i'm here if you need me. ((((D))))
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 13:30:16
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs » Dinah, posted by wildcardII on August 14, 2006, at 13:13:31
I don't recognize myself in these situations.
My tongue feels twenty pounds and my brain is so sluggish. I can see myself, and hate how I'm acting, and realizing I'm being a huge social liability to the poor hostess. Yet I can't seem to move, or improve things in any way.
Sigh. I've never really concentrated on this area in therapy because I generally solve it through simple avoidance. :(
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 13:32:42
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2006, at 12:20:20
I hope so. We did a drive by of the site yesterday, and it seems very confusing.
My husband is threatening to try to get off work to go, which makes me feel so inadequate.
Posted by Tamar on August 14, 2006, at 14:13:09
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
> The things that most people would have no problem with seem huge obstacles to me. Where do I park? Where do I enter? What should I wear? It's casual, so if I had a pair of jeans or something, I guess I'd wear that. But I don't. No power on earth will convince me to expose my knock knees to people I don't wish to think ill of me by wearing shorts.
Gosh, it’s not just me then. I can handle social situations when I’m not depressed, but when I am depressed I’m completely unable to decide what to wear, or figure out how to get where I’m going, or what to say to people. But you said recently you usually wear long skirts and keds. And reason why you can’t wear a long skirt and keds to this thing?
> Is it ok to stand a bit off from everyone else? I don't wish to intrude where I'm not welcome. I don't want to be stand offish either. I don't know what to say. I'm not up on popular culture after the early nineties. I don't know any of the local gossip.
Why do you assume you’re not welcome? Of course you are welcome. You don’t need to know anything about popular culture or local gossip. You’re interesting as *you*. And if the conversation touches on popular culture or local gossip, just ask: “Oh, I’ve never seen that TV show. Is it good?” or “Who’s Sylvia?” Believe me, if it’s about gossip, people will be falling over themselves to tell you who Sylvia is and why they’re talking about her. Just express an interest in what other people are talking about.
Also, I tend to think it’s much better NOT to stand a bit off from everyone else. You might well be thought stand-offish if you do that. I honestly think most people will assume you are basically OK. You might not be their new best friend and you might not have much in common with them, but I’m sure they will think you’re worth talking to.
Starting conversations is really easy if you know how. Always start with something that requires a yes or no answer, like “It hot in here, isn’t it?” or “Great music/food/location, isn’t it?” Most people will be somewhat forthcoming.
Next step is to say something about what’s going on, like “I’ve never been to X before. What’s happening over there?” Most people will give you a proper reply.
Then you say, “I’m Dinah, by the way. That’s my son over there.” Or something like that. Most people will introduce themselves and continue the conversation with you.
Some people are shy and won’t know what to say back. Some people really are stand-offish and there’s no need to talk to them. If you don’t get a friendly response with the first person, don’t assume it’s something to do with you. You might simply be talking to someone who cut her leg shaving that morning and is still irked with the whole world. If people aren’t chatty it doesn’t mean they think badly of you.
But also, lots of people like to chat. If you strike up a conversation with someone, you will be contributing to their enjoyment of the event. It’s hard to get the first words out, I know. But you don’t have to say anything hilarious or clever. Just be you.
> Overall, I'd rather get a colonoscopy than attend a social event with people that I'd rather think not badly about me.
Well, if you’re not rude and you don’t kick anyone, they’ll have no reason to think badly of you…
Posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2006, at 14:22:38
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
Dinah we're twins. I'm the same way no kids but don't attend any social functions. And no med helps it either. How do you handle it if you just have to? Love Phillipa ps isn't this social phobia?
Posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2006, at 14:25:00
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs  » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 13:32:42
Dinah I do the same thing drive by even for a doc's appointment where I've never been before. Love Phillipa
Posted by Racer on August 14, 2006, at 14:31:57
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
Dinah, my heart goes out to you over this one. Here's a reframing for you, though: "Dinah is so fabulous, we don't want to spread her thin, so we're happy she concentrates on us here. ;-) "
OK, serious side:
1. Anticipation and practice: do another drive by, with your husband if he knows his way around, and figure out where to park (although letting your son choose that is also a great idea), where you go in, etc. While you're doing that, think about what it's going to feel like when you do it for real. That's what I did about that massage, and it helped.
(Although it still didn't make it easy, and she still had to peel me off the ceiling once or twice...)
2. Wear something that you feel good in. Easier said than done, but that's the bottom line. If a longish skirt and Keds works for you, then by all means wear a longish skirt and Keds. Very chic, actually.
3. For conversation, watch the kids, and say something nice about each person's kid. If you tell a mother (or father, for that matter) something like, "Wow, your son has great coordination for his age," or "what a creative thinker your daughter is," or even just, "is that little cutie pie yours?" you'll get a good response. What's more, that's often all it takes to get a complete conversation going, without ever having to say another word...
3.a. Remember this, too: most of the people there, no matter how confident they look, are experiencing some measure of social awkwardness, too. The only ones who are truly without any nerves already know one another, or are totally devoid of imagination -- or have already figured out that most people want to like other people, and be liked, and will respond accordingly.
4. I can't help you with the genu valgum, though. I can only tell you that physical terrory for it can be painful -- and can involve a physical terrorist actually touching you! AGH!!! RUN AWAY!
(Sorry if it feels as though I'm making light of this. I know it's serious, but I also know you can do it, and do it quite successfully.)
Posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2006, at 14:52:52
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs  » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2006, at 14:25:00
All true. And remember it's not forever. Love Phillipa
Posted by Toph on August 14, 2006, at 19:12:44
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
You could try the visualization trick. Imagine for example that everyone there is a participant on Psycho Babble and the gathering is a PB party. Judging from what I saw in Chicago, you will do just fine. If that doesn't work there's always the old standby, imagine everyone there is wearing only their underwear (except you, of course).
Posted by lynn971 on August 14, 2006, at 19:39:02
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
Oh sweet Dinah you are going to be fine. Just be yourself. Only socialize with people if you want to. (thats just my opinion).
Remember, there is noone over there that is better than you. You are just as important as anyone else, and you have the right to be there just as much as anyone else.
luv ya,
Lynn
Posted by TexasChic on August 14, 2006, at 19:52:30
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs » Dinah, posted by Toph on August 14, 2006, at 19:12:44
Practice definitely helps with the parking and going in part. You should try a dry run with your hubby - you driving, during a slow part of the day.
My way to deal with these type of things is just jump in and sink or swim. Of course, I'm the one that spills drinks, trips and falls flat on my face, drinks too much and tell people I love them (or something even more embarrassing), ect. But the more I try, the better I seem to get. I also think the more you live through unbelievingly embarrassing situations, the better it gets. Because you know you're still around and life goes on.
Did I ever tell yall about how on one of the last days of my old job we had a cookout for the whole company, in 100° weather. I sat there and sweated and sweated, and when I got up to leave, I felt uncomfortably damp. After walking all the way through the company in front of tons of people, I went in the bathroon and looked in the mirror, and I swear to God it looked like I had wet my pants!!!! I didn't even know you sweated there! No one said anything, even the bitchygirls, so maybe no one noticed. But I grabbed my jacket as soon as I got back to my desk and tied it around my waist.
So anyway, the moral is, nothing can happen that could ever be more embarrassing than something that happened to me. I am the queen of embarrassing incidents.
-T
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 9:10:46
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs, posted by TexasChic on August 14, 2006, at 19:52:30
It's good to know I'm not alone. And I know there are things I can do to make it better. I really will try. If only my brain didn't turn to sludge.
Maybe I'll ask my therapist if he'll role play with me today. He *should* be thrilled. But he often surprises me on what makes him happy.
Toph, Babblers were just friends I hadn't met in person yet. I felt more comfortable with them than I do with my IRL friends of thirty years who I've fallen out of regular contact with. Although even then I emailed my picture to as many as I could prior to the event, so they wouldn't have a look of shock and disgust on their face when they saw me.
I'm positive that it has something to do with self assessment. I joke that my self esteem is fine, and it really is. In many areas. But in social abilities and in personal appearance, it's very very low, and bolstered by years of feedback supporting that position. I think I realistically assess my lack of strength in those areas, and it leads to enormous social phobia in certain situations.
Posted by Poet on August 15, 2006, at 9:14:17
In reply to Not sure where this belongs, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2006, at 11:04:53
Hi Dinah,
I do the test drive- where to park, where to go in, too.
Idea on what to wear: long denim or other casual looking skirt, T shirt and sandals. Wear pink- I remember in Chicago that pink is a power color for you.
I try to hide in the back of the room, so when entering an unknown social situation I'd head right to the back of the room. Maybe you'll luck out and find kindred spirits who aren't comfortable being there and you can all avoid conversation, but look like you're socializing. Otherwise stick to easy things like *can you believe how much school supplies and clothes are this year.* Or talk about pets. Since I don't have kids, I always hope someone at a social event has cats.
You'll get through this. Your son will be happy he got to go to the event. Take care.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 9:19:45
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs » Dinah, posted by Poet on August 15, 2006, at 9:14:17
I know what you mean about pets.
Being at a party with a dog present, or being at a place where you're allowed to bring dogs, and I'm relatively ok. Not only do I have one guaranteed soul to talk to, but dogs really break the ice.
I think one of the main problems is my behavior. These are nice people, and have never been anything but nice to me. It's me who acts oddly and not in the friendliest way. It's that darn intimidation factor. My usual strategy of looking for someone who looks more uncomfortable than I do doesn't work, because they are all very comfortable with each other. Sigh. I wish I were a better actress.
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 15:37:18
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs » Poet, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 9:19:45
Posted by TexasChic on August 15, 2006, at 18:08:41
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs » Poet, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 9:19:45
I've been in those situations. Usually someone is just waiting for someone else to say something, like, "Wow, the food really sucks doesn't it?" Most of the time I blurt out what everone else is obviously thinking, like, "These things make me so-o-o-o uncomfortable!"
But I think the main thing is not to put so much pressure on yourself. Why do you HAVE to socialize? Why can't you be reserved? Some people are like that. Chill out a little. You aren't on display here. You're not PERFORMING. You're attending a function. Be as stuck up as you want. Who cares!
-T
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 19:06:34
In reply to Re: Not sure where this belongs, posted by TexasChic on August 15, 2006, at 18:08:41
And it wasn't as bad as a colonoscopy.
And I think my son doesn't have to pack a bag and head for the Himalayas.
If it weren't for my darn social phobia it may have even been enjoyable.
How does one develop social rhythm? Why am I always three remarks behind, when I venture to speak at all.
Posted by fallsfall on August 16, 2006, at 19:26:27
In reply to I lived, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 19:06:34
Posted by ClearSkies on August 16, 2006, at 22:07:54
In reply to I lived, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 19:06:34
> How does one develop social rhythm? Why am I always three remarks behind, when I venture to speak at all.That's how I feel whenever I try to use Babblechat, even if I'm only talking to one person!
One on one, face to face, can be so hard. I run hot and cold... can speak before a crowd but stutter and sputter when I'm uncomfortable with someone.
Not that any Babblefolk who have met me would notice this, as I'm very comfortable with everyone I've met here.Dinah, do you have buddies who you see and speak with?
CS
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 22:20:24
In reply to Re: I lived » Dinah, posted by ClearSkies on August 16, 2006, at 22:07:54
Sad to say, just at work. And not buddies.
My therapist is horrified at how isolated I and my husband are.
Our friends are from high school and junior high, most are long distance, and we see the one remaining here every few years.
I (?!!!) have found a few couple friends over the years, but they usually fizzle after a bit of time, for no horrible reasons.
The funny thing is that I was attracted to my husband because he had the easy social address that I longed for. I suspect he's embarassed of me. :(
My therapist has now diagnosed me with social phobia (where has he been all these years?). But it's a very specific sort of social phobia. I'm moderately ok at work, or at church, or where there's a discrete topic. In fact, I'm brash and overtalkative and way too free with my opinions.
I guess that's why he missed the social phobia. :)
P.S. I think everyone feels that way with chat. Especially when there's more than one conversation going on at once. You have to embrace the confusion. :)
Posted by Poet on August 17, 2006, at 9:02:18
In reply to I lived, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2006, at 19:06:34
Hi Dinah,
I think it's better to be three remarks behind then to blurt out career failure when asked what you do for a living. Yup, guess who did that last night at water aerobics? How dare that woman try to strike up conversation in a locker room. I should have wrapped my towel around myself and ran dripping wet...
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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