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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by m3 on August 15, 2005, at 22:36:49
Wow, you leave a place for a couple years and they change everything...Dinah's the only person I recognize (hi Dinah, remember me?). Maybe everybody else from back in the day is feeling better and has moved on.Anyway. I'm here because I'm about to go through another cross-country move, which I don't deal with very well, and in the meantime job and school are getting busy and stressful, and then I went to my best friend's wedding in Washington this weekend and instead of feeling happy for him (well, okay, I did some of that) I found I wanted to cry a lot because I wasn't included in the wedding. And I hadn't even realized it was important to me so it took me by surprise. I feel sort of petty and weird about this because neither he nor I really feels that strongly about ritual, and the wedding didn't have bridesmaids or anything. But they got a lot of organizing help from another (newer) friend who was also their "minister" (via an Internet church), and there was an official toasting time featuring both fathers and another newer friend, and while this friend was giving his perfectly good toast I kept wondering why I hadn't been asked even to lick envelopes or whatever (I did offer) since I've known him for eight years and lived (platonically) with him for three of them and generally think of him as my brother and dearest friend even though we've been hanging out less than we used to. I know beyond a doubt that he didn't mean to exclude me or hurt my feelings, and things get forgotten during wedding planning, and he has like a million Indian relatives who are great but overwhelming when they're all there together, so he couldn't come pay special attention to me during the actual weekend. I'm not mad at him. I'm just sad.
Posted by coley on August 16, 2005, at 1:40:47
In reply to sad, posted by m3 on August 15, 2005, at 22:36:49
Lately when I hang out with my "friends" I feel prompted at the end of the night to ask them what happened that we fell out of touch. They always give me the same look and tell me I am crazy. (they don't know how much I don't need to hear that) I know why they don't notice. It is because they are busy making new friends, while I am too shaken, and anxiety ridden to leave the house if not bound for work. Life Sucks. Oh well.
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2005, at 9:56:16
In reply to sad, posted by m3 on August 15, 2005, at 22:36:49
Well hey!
Of course I remember you and frequently wonder how you're doing. I don't do Open very much anymore since my new operating system does NOT like Open chat. :(
I find weddings of close friends often bring up complex feelings. There's happiness of course, but also the realization that things will never be quite the same. I'm guessing the friends that helped were "their" friends whether than "his" friends, and that more than any level of friendship he has for you dictated that. Which is one of those changes that come with marriage.
If you don't feel free talking on board about what's going on in your life, feel free to Babblemail me. (You have to go to Registration, and Change Registration to Enable Babblemail).
And I can probably bring you up to date on at least some of the people you remember.
Posted by wildcard on August 16, 2005, at 22:36:10
In reply to Re: sad, posted by coley on August 16, 2005, at 1:40:47
i know EXACTLY what u mean...
Posted by coley on August 17, 2005, at 0:39:56
In reply to Re: sad » coley, posted by wildcard on August 16, 2005, at 22:36:10
You have brought the biggest smile to my face by posting that. Doesn't it hurt to think that everyone is moving on without you? Even worse to think that, you don't even know how to move on because you are too scared. I am sitting here right now and I feel strong! I'm thinking "I'm tough, and confident! I could meet new people whenever I want!!" However in reality, I went to find a CD the other day, and it wasn't there. When the guy at the counter asked if I wanted to order it, i was already out the door muttering no, because I could taste my heartbeat at just asking a stranger a question. How crazy can I get?!?!?!?
Posted by wildcard on August 17, 2005, at 6:20:34
In reply to Re: sad, posted by coley on August 17, 2005, at 0:39:56
Unfortunately, unless someone has been where we are they cannot understand the hurt and frustration involved w/ being *scared* in situations like u just described. I did not leave my house(or bed for that matter) for about 1 year...the fear(social/general anxiety) kept me *locked* inside and that only brought on depression...so many people made things much worse by saying i could WILL my way through it...easier said than done! I have now (almost 3 years later) realized that although i still have pretty severe soc/gen anxiety, but it was a particular situation for me that brought on the year long episode. i'm not proud that i feel i have to take klonopin to even go to the grocery store but i do. have u ever heard the song by Allison Krauss-Ghost in this house(or something close to that)? I have so many cd's i cannot find it rt. this second but if u havn't heard it, try and download it and listen to it. It doesnt exactly pertain 100% to our situations but some of the similarities hit close to home.(it is a bit depressing so pls. dont listen to it if it will make u feel worse)! I do hope things get better for you. There is a big difference between *living life* and *exsisting in life*...for me it was/IS about getting intense counseling more so than meds. but every1 is diff.. I wish u only the best and just know that ur not alone(even though it seems that way). Take care.
Posted by coley on August 17, 2005, at 13:04:15
In reply to Re: sad, posted by wildcard on August 17, 2005, at 6:20:34
I hate being that person that always stays home, and never gets dressed. A good friend of mine came over about two hours ago, and we sat outside talking. I asked her how she got out of bed, got dressed, and went out everyday so easily. She said that she was just used to it. I am so pissed at myself sometimes, and thats better then self pity, no? Who knows, at least I am proud of the person I am, but you know sometimes I wish I wasn't so smart. I wish I was a fool. You know that part in The Great Gatsby, where Daisy says that if she could wish any one thing upon her daughter it would be that she grow up to be a fool, and it would be the best thing for her? Sometimes I wonder if that is what I wish upon myself. Ignorance....is it really bliss or is it just ignorance. Without so much knowledge would I be so scared??
Posted by wildcard on August 17, 2005, at 14:01:11
In reply to Re: sad, posted by coley on August 17, 2005, at 13:04:15
i wish i had the answer for u :( i was where u are and i hated life except i avoided all friends at any cost...i wish i cld. say it was meds. but it wasn't. The day came when i got sick and tired of being sick and tired...so as miserable as it was, i FORCED (and i mean forced) myself when i woke up to take a shower,etc..,then make my bed up(as silly as that sounds)and start my day trying to stay out of bed. at 1st it lasted an hour, maybe 2 and i'd feel fatiged and lay down but i kept on and little by little i felt *somewhat* better. No miracle but as it goes," Every journey begins with one step" or something like that...kinda thing. then i talked my doc into *FINALLY* trying me on a benzo which i had taken B4 and knew it(klonopin) helped my anxiety/FEAR. I know that a lot of people disagree w/ klonopin but i just wanted to live and it truly helped w/ the fear of things. i cld. answer my phone or even open my door w/o fear. Has a life altering event happened that u can recall when things started to get worse or have u always suffered like this? Do u see a therapist? (like u really feel like going to one rt?!) i'm just wondering how i can help u b/c i wouldnt wish how ur feeling on my worst enemy (and i really dont like them :))...i'm here and if u just want som1 to listen, feel free to tell me to shut it up! hang in there just 4 today-2morrow will be here soon enough.
Posted by coley on August 17, 2005, at 23:11:51
In reply to Re: sad, posted by wildcard on August 17, 2005, at 14:01:11
I don't know what has lead me to where I am. I am very angsty when it comes to my family, and my mother suffers from anxiety. She drinks away her fears, and I don't want to end up like that. There was a lot of anger in my home growing up, and my parents are severely demented, but i know people who have suffered WAY MORE! They made it without self medicating and why can't I?? My boyfriend says I need to try and let go of all my hurt/guilt/low self esteem, because carrying it with me will damage me in the long run, he's right. ... but how will I get rid of it, surely no one will take it away. Oh man. Here we go again.
Posted by wildcard on August 17, 2005, at 23:27:32
In reply to Re: sad, posted by coley on August 17, 2005, at 23:11:51
well it does sound that ur b/friend is right. i look at my past as poison and it can and often will kill u if u dont get rid of it...the 1st step is dealing w/ issues like u mentioned above and even though no1 really likes to *go back*, it can be the path to healing. i dont *live* in my past but it has made me who i am and i cant change the things that have happened but i can look at them differently...u may or may not need meds. temporarily but i wld try and find a counselor u can talk w/ that can help u. U may not get one u like the 1st go at it but it is worth the effort b/c when the poison gets out, the healing can begin and u can and deserve to wake up one day truly *happy*! it is such a HUGE difference...
Posted by Phillipa on August 20, 2005, at 21:28:04
In reply to Re: sad » coley, posted by wildcard on August 17, 2005, at 23:27:32
Sounds like me. I can plan all the things I'm going to do tomorrow and when it comes I just want to pull the covers over my head. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by wildcard on August 21, 2005, at 7:50:34
In reply to Re: sad, posted by Phillipa on August 20, 2005, at 21:28:04
thats the way it is sometimes...how r things coley??
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