![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 0:23:46
Search for Self-Respect
I find myself knowing where to go but not quite sure how to get there. I want to recognize self-respect amongst all I come in contact with. I sorta can do it now, however, there is no strategy. I just randomly focus on this person or that, hoping to be able to get along with them.
Now its time for me to do a better job of finding those with adequate self-respect. We are all “enough”. We can’t do anything about being “enough” without self-respect. We chase after self-esteem because its abstract nature makes it sound so magical as a solution to many problems. Self-esteem has no staying power without self-respect being present first. How long would it take to turn off everyone around us by acting out our self-esteem while not acting respectful. Without a firm grip on ourselves by the presence of self-respect, whatever way we act will lack adequate respect for others.
I am opening a dialog here. I trust y’all here. Can you all help by letting me know what you recognize as self-respect in others you come into contact with? Please list a couple of details that you see as clear examples of self-respect. Let’s see where this all leads to.
Rod
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:20:57
In reply to Help me search, posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 0:23:46
I wrote this a few years ago as part of a very lengthy self healing attempt called "my awakening".
"I try to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. I try to realise that my negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment, must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of me, and poison the universe that surrounds me"
In reading your post, the above came to mind. I am trying to redirect all my negative feelings into something positive so that I can re-learn my self respect and in this way, begin to give others the respect they deserve.
I am finding it a very bumpy obstacle course though. My self esteem and respect is in tatters.
Nice thread to start. Thank you.
Sabrina
Posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 2:43:59
In reply to Re: Help me search » 64bowtie, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:20:57
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 3:55:10
In reply to Re: Help me search » 64bowtie, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:20:57
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 10, 2004, at 8:27:39
In reply to Help me search, posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 0:23:46
Posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 8:42:46
In reply to Umm lost you, insist on what?? (nm), posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 3:55:10
> Nice thread to start, though. Thank You.
>
> Sabrina<<< Insteada you thanky me, I thanky you....lol
Rod
Posted by tootercat on November 10, 2004, at 11:35:56
In reply to Re: Umm lost you, insist on what?? » saw, posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 8:42:46
Dear Mr. Bowtie, Alot of times your posts make me dizzy cause I'm not sure exactly what you're saying....Your intellect and way of speaking are on another level.. (this is not a criticism or put-down) This time I think I got it (by George!)
We'll see.......Recognizing self respect in others as well as myself.......one of the foremost thoughts I have is about boundaries...healthy ones. Demonstrating them without trying to belittle, demean, hurt, or destroy others. Recognizing that I or THEY am/are in control of and in charge of ME/THEMSELVES only. This make any sense?
Pam
Posted by AuntieMel on November 10, 2004, at 16:30:46
In reply to Help me search, posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 0:23:46
It's having standards which I expect of my self and not compromising them. This is the key to self respect for me.
The standards apply professionally as well in my personal life. They have to do with a code of ethics and morality, primarily, but also to the quality of the work I do.
Posted by just plain jane on November 10, 2004, at 18:09:15
In reply to Re: For me it's having standards » 64bowtie, posted by AuntieMel on November 10, 2004, at 16:30:46
Hello, All.
For myself, AuntieMel's reply aims in the right direction.
At some point in my life I perceived that self-respect, just like all my other "emotions", is resident. I just need to allow it, not fight against the resident good in my character.
When I feel like beating myself up, I usually am reminded that this is a waste of time and energy because, even if I have behaved as *descriptive rotten word here* as I think or feel at the time, I KNOW the real truth, from which I am then hiding, which is that I actually am an okay person. I KNOW and yet persist in trying to defeat my self.
Now, if I were one of my friends, and someone else were trying to trample me, I would undoubtedly warn that person that, however vulnerable she (I) may seem at that time, ya better be prepared for when her head re-emerges from that dark and stinky place, because she's (I'm) going to come out swinging, stronger than before.
So, in essence, I kick my own @ss for letting me get so down on myself.
But, that's me.
However, I really do believe that the level of self awareness generally displayed here indicates my concept of emotional attributes being innate and exercisible just may bear some measure of validity.
Exercise builds.
just plain
Posted by just plain jane on November 10, 2004, at 18:18:21
In reply to Help me search, posted by 64bowtie on November 10, 2004, at 0:23:46
how it is you come to feel/believe that observing, studying, comparing to others ideas of self-esteem will answer the quest/question for you regarding your own.
It is, after all, your own...
*self* respect.
An unique component of you.
jpj
Posted by 64bowtie on November 11, 2004, at 14:17:29
In reply to Hey Rod....surprise!, posted by tootercat on November 10, 2004, at 11:35:56
Dear Pam,
So good to hear what I "Babble" about, come back better than I said it! Thanx, Pam. How's life in the East-Bay treat'n ya'? I think about you everytime I go by the sign for the 237 hiway.
I ask one favor: watch and listen to other people. They will eventually tell you about their sense of self-respect. I am asking the question in hopes of perhaps reducing the list to 20 things to look for, instead of the hundreds of things that might show us eventually.
Bragging in general is sorta clear cut, but bragging around the office about having affairs while married, is a giant "Neon Sign" saying, "I hate me so its OK if you hate me toooo!" The latter example being really clear is nice but only one of hundreds of things like it that happen around the office. I snatched "bragging" out of the mix for one of 20 sign-posts for poor self-respect. Unfettered use of "7 dirty words" is another obvious indicator. Grumbling and compalaining all the time is a third indicator. I need 17 more though, just to be thurough while paring down the list of a few hundred.
Rod
Posted by 64bowtie on November 11, 2004, at 14:20:22
In reply to Hey Rod....surprise!, posted by tootercat on November 10, 2004, at 11:35:56
Posted by 64bowtie on November 11, 2004, at 14:49:18
In reply to Re: For me it's having standards » 64bowtie, posted by AuntieMel on November 10, 2004, at 16:30:46
AM,
You and I are on the same page alot. I am so glad you are here.
What I hear rebounds back to the notions of values and goals as being important standards to follow. If I listen to co-workers, I can hear volumes about their values and goals. Spongy boundaries at this level is a sure sign that low self-respect taints their standards. Perhaps "Lack of Standards" presents a clear picture of low self-respect....? May I assign this to position #5? Only 15 more to go....
Rod
Posted by 64bowtie on November 11, 2004, at 15:08:03
In reply to P.S. Just curious » 64bowtie, posted by just plain jane on November 10, 2004, at 18:18:21
JPJ,
> how it is you come to feel/believe that observing, studying, comparing to others ideas of self-esteem will answer the quest/question for you regarding your own.
><<< Yogi Berra: "You can see alot just by watching" and "You can hear alot just by listening"
<<< As I pointed out in the original thread, "It's time!" I'm not certain what, if anything, different that I will discover. What I can do is fortify my model of coached recovery such that anybody can enhance their essense of self-respect by watching how others approach their own notion of self-respect. I suggest that the pursuit of self-esteem is ill-timed for any person not well grounded in their own self-respect. Also, other-respect is impossible for those with low self-respect, since they lack a solid frame of reference to operate from. Violence ensues and is never respectful.
Rod
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 11, 2004, at 15:34:35
In reply to Re: Hey Rod....surprise! » tootercat, posted by 64bowtie on November 11, 2004, at 14:17:29
Rod,
My T said one of my problems was that I didn't brag enough. I always found it "unseemly" to toot my own horn. I even downplay my accomplishments to seem charmingly self-deprecating. So I think the bragging bit is a fine line. Of course bragging that you're having an affair, etc. is not very self-respectful. But is bragging a little to your coworkers that you did a good job on a project or handled a situation well bad? Or does bragging have negative connotations?
Posted by jujube on November 11, 2004, at 16:56:27
In reply to » JPJ » Yogi Berra might just be right, posted by 64bowtie on November 11, 2004, at 15:08:03
> JPJ,
>
> > how it is you come to feel/believe that observing, studying, comparing to others ideas of self-esteem will answer the quest/question for you regarding your own.
> >
>
> <<< Yogi Berra: "You can see alot just by watching" and "You can hear alot just by listening"
>
> <<< As I pointed out in the original thread, "It's time!" I'm not certain what, if anything, different that I will discover. What I can do is fortify my model of coached recovery such that anybody can enhance their essense of self-respect by watching how others approach their own notion of self-respect. I suggest that the pursuit of self-esteem is ill-timed for any person not well grounded in their own self-respect. Also, other-respect is impossible for those with low self-respect, since they lack a solid frame of reference to operate from. Violence ensues and is never respectful.
>
> RodRod,
I don't know if these things are relevant to your search, but, in addition to what the others have said, I would add:
Feeding your body and mind in a healthy and nutritious manner
Enjoying your own company (being able to be alone and not feel lonely)
Being aware of, and accepting, your faults, weakness and idiocyncracies while acknowledging and applauding your strengths and positive attributes (nobody's perfect, but nobody is a failure either)
Tamara
Posted by 64bowtie on November 12, 2004, at 1:45:31
In reply to Re: » 64bowtie, posted by jujube on November 11, 2004, at 16:56:27
Posted by 64bowtie on November 12, 2004, at 1:54:53
In reply to to brag or not to brag, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 11, 2004, at 15:34:35
> My T said one of my problems was that I didn't brag enough.<<< Sounds like T trying to get you away from self-deprecating...
> So I think the bragging bit is a fine line.
<<< I intuitively agree, but need more thought...
> But is bragging a little to your coworkers that you did a good job on a project or handled a situation well...
<<< I immediately pictured a solution: Bragging about work related issues is safe, whereas bragging about most anything extracurricular is out of place and is probably inappropriate...
Wadda ya' think?
Rod
Posted by jujube on November 12, 2004, at 16:42:49
In reply to Thanx for making me think... » Miss Honeychurch, posted by 64bowtie on November 12, 2004, at 1:54:53
I may be off base here and am sorry if I offend anyone, but to me bragging has a negative connotation, whereas praising has a positive one. When I think of someone bragging, I think of someone with low self-esteem who is trying to make themselves look good in others eyes or make themselves look better than others. But praise is an acknowledgement of something well done - whether it is a task, a job, an artistic or athletic endeavour, etc. We praise our colleagues, staff, friends and family all the time. So, we should be able to verbalize and give ourselves the praise we deserve when we feel that we have accomplished something for which we should feel proud. A little praise goes a long way.
Tamara
>
> > My T said one of my problems was that I didn't brag enough.
>
> <<< Sounds like T trying to get you away from self-deprecating...
>
> > So I think the bragging bit is a fine line.
>
> <<< I intuitively agree, but need more thought...
>
> > But is bragging a little to your coworkers that you did a good job on a project or handled a situation well...
>
> <<< I immediately pictured a solution: Bragging about work related issues is safe, whereas bragging about most anything extracurricular is out of place and is probably inappropriate...
>
> Wadda ya' think?
>
> Rod
Posted by 64bowtie on November 12, 2004, at 21:44:21
In reply to Re: Thanx for making me think... » 64bowtie, posted by jujube on November 12, 2004, at 16:42:49
I have been tiptoeing around not to offend... Bragging is obviously an attempt to beef-up a sagging sense of self-esteem, especially when met with disinterest. Folks get real tired of others that brag alot... take my 83 yearold Dad for instance...
If self-respect is in good shape, other-respect will miraculously work better, since we know the territory. What's tough for us here-in is that if our parents didn't give us good examples, and/or didn't induce "intellectual" self-respect, we feel like we are stumbling around in the dark, blindfolded! From this point now, picture how much better we all are going to handle this issue, especially for our kids....
Rod
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 13, 2004, at 14:10:40
In reply to Re: Thanx for making me think... » 64bowtie, posted by jujube on November 12, 2004, at 16:42:49
I agree, bragging does have negative connotations. I like the way you have framed it, makes sense to me that way. From now on, I will try to think of myself as "praising" myself rather than bragging. INteresting, the way language can help you reframe things!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.