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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 13:35:56
And I need it NOW.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 6, 2004, at 14:51:23
In reply to Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board., posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 13:35:56
Hi, Dinah. I'm no longer afraid of being electrocuted by my keyboard, so I'm ba-a-ck! What's going on?
Posted by fallsfall on September 6, 2004, at 14:59:57
In reply to Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board., posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 13:35:56
Dinah,
What IS on your mind?
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 15:36:50
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board. » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on September 6, 2004, at 14:51:23
It's just a holiday, that's all. My husband gets super revved up for productivity on the holidays, and it's hard to be around for me and my son.
Even on days where he doesn't stand there with energy crackling from his body and wanting to DO something useful, he gets all invested in plans on holidays. And when something throws the plans off a bit, he gets angry.
His anger is usually directed at himself. He should have planned better. He should be doing more. He should have better conveyed to us the urgency behind sweeping the floor.
But it makes me just want to curl up somewhere and go to sleep. But I can't, because that would still leave my son.
I don't get why he doesn't get it. How can you walk in on hearing your son say that Dad is always angry, and get angry instead of getting a wake up call. Sure, it was a bit of hyperbole. Dad isn't always angry, and Dad is better about playing games and stuff than Mom. But there was a bit of truth in there that I don't understand how my husband can ignore.
My therapist says it's because my husband is so very very sure that he's right and everyone else is wrong. He's positive the world will go to h*ll in a handbasket if he doesn't personally hold it on his shoulders. That's why my therapist doesn't have high hopes for therapy or marriage counseling.
So today, as on all holidays and vacations, I'm repeating my mantra. My husband is a good man. He has many fine and useful qualities. My husband is a good man. He has many fine and useful qualities. My husband is a good man. He has many fine and useful qualities.
(Disclaimer: My husband has never raised a hand to either of us. He doesn't even yell. It's just a fair amount of snapping at us. And all that angry energy snap crackling and popping.)
Posted by partlycloudy on September 6, 2004, at 16:01:48
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board., posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 15:36:50
I can see why you would want to have a snooze, Dinah. It's exhausting to be around someone so frustrated with themselves and railing at the world. To be a half of a couple, but not be reactive to their anger. Do you like to do projects and outings with your son? Are you able to walk away for some peace sometimes? Kids can see right through a happy face that's put on for their benefit - I remember my mum doing just that thing.
Hard to be self-preserving, a good mom and a good supportive wife at once. Just as you and I admit to our faults, so it is just as important for our partners to do the same.
Posted by daisym on September 6, 2004, at 16:21:19
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board. » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on September 6, 2004, at 16:01:48
God Dinah, I could have written your post!
I just finished bending Falls ear about how hard it is to be the "vacation fairy" and make everyone happy. My husband did that snapping thing for 3 straight days...and then told me he thought the vacation was "fine!" And here I am thinking he is sooo unhappy and frustrated. He was in the moment but he moves on quickly, so why can't I?
It is really, really hard when your kids pick it up too. Mine are pros at reading the mood and removing themselves from the line of fire. Better still, they engage him in some activity, "hey dad, let's shoot hoops" and distract him from the tasks he had in mind. Your guy isn't old enough yet, but he will get there.
Hang in there. Tuesday is coming and then we don't have any holidays until Halloween.
btw, I'm hiding down at my office today. That's how I cope!
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 16:24:01
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board. » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on September 6, 2004, at 16:01:48
I need to really remind myself that the same qualities that make him the man I love are the ones that have these unfortunate side effects.
I'm not putting on a happy face, that's for sure. lol. What I am doing is trying to make it ok for my son to talk about how he's feeling and empathising while simultaneously being careful not to put his Dad down in any way. It's quite the tightrope.
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 16:27:24
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board., posted by daisym on September 6, 2004, at 16:21:19
Well, at least I don't have that problem. My husband is quite aware that everything's not fine, although we'd have different reasons for it. :)
I'm not sure it's in my son's personality to learn to do that. It's what I did in my family. But my son tends to go inside himself rather than attempt to change what's going on around him. Overly compliant, poor little guy.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 6, 2004, at 22:43:32
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board. » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 16:24:01
You know what, Dinah. I think that's exactly what a good enough mother would do!
Yeah dinah!
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 23:57:15
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board., posted by gardenergirl on September 6, 2004, at 22:43:32
Posted by Susan47 on September 7, 2004, at 15:56:05
In reply to Re: Arrrgghh. I need that proposed relationship board., posted by Dinah on September 6, 2004, at 15:36:50
Dinah, I read your post about your husband and he sounds like My dad. He has a lot of anxiety, I mean extreme amounts, right from childhood, infant probably, being unwanted by his mother. When he saw "Mommie Dearest" the movie, he cried and said that was his mother (hearing about this from my mom, he would never talk about something like that).
Thanks for sharing that with us Dinah; we're not alone in the world are we?
This is the end of the thread.
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