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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ceesea on July 3, 2004, at 6:27:03
I think i have what is known in the states as atypical depression
i don't cycle i just build up to the point of no return and crash
i have been nearly 18 months out of hospital and nearly 6 months on one med, but things are getting bad again
my psych won't listen to me. recently my work tried to get rid of me and i have fought them every step and i think i will win (i work part time in a bottle shop/drive thru) and he is so happy that i am not avoiding conflict that he doesn't even consider the rest of me. i'm strong cos i am fighting work. NOOOOOO
I am weak inside and i am terrified of this, because I have been here before i know where i end up
crying on the floor of the shower
escorted to hospital by the police in an ambulance
cutting and ODing and all that stuff
i try to warn him, i can't afford to go through this again i become helpless and what happens then, I will lose my job for sure and my life will go back to me in my house scared to answer the door (I already stopped answering the phone or calling anyone).
but he won't listen
i think i need ECT again, i have been there too and i am scared because i lost 6 months of my life last time but i was in the care of a really bad psych and he gave me way to much of it
maybe if they just did the usual 2 weeks of it NOW then i could go back to work and live some sort of life without the need for the drama and crap that goes with these breakdowns
normally my psych is really goodhave been sedated all day first on seroquel now on amarula cream (yeah great ex alcoholic self medicating again, another sign that things are not going well) and i can't function like this but psych has only known me about 14 months he hasn't seen the cracked up weirdo i can be even though i cry a lot in my sessions and have told him some of the past
i'm scared and i just want the bad to go away. work is not stressing me, i am proud of myself for dealing with it and standing up for myself. there is no issues, there are no thoughts. i just feel that terrible feeling that cannot be described and i want to make it stop, any way possible. right now i am lucid enough , i know i have to stop it by going to hospital and getting ECT done but I don't want to without the support of my psych. in a week or so who knows, i will not be so reasonable and i may find another way to make it stop :-(
i am so lost
CC
Posted by Elle2021 on July 3, 2004, at 17:19:52
In reply to atypical, posted by ceesea on July 3, 2004, at 6:27:03
Sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I'm not familiar with atypical depression. Can you explain it?
You mentioned you feel like the psychiatrist you have now isn't meeting your needs. Have you thought about finding a new one? Or, if you don't want to find a new psychiatrist, have you thought about adding a therapist/counselor to your current treatment team? To me, it sounds like you really need someone to talk to, who will listen and support you. From what I read, you don't appear to be getting those needs met right now. Hang in there.
Elle
Posted by ceesea on July 3, 2004, at 22:20:16
In reply to Re: atypical, posted by Elle2021 on July 3, 2004, at 17:19:52
thanks for your reply
my psych at the moment does therapy as well as my meds. however i still see a psychologist once a month (for 3 hrs!) - she was my psychologist but I moved 2 hours drive away, so i go back to where dad lives to see her cos she is so good. i don't want to change drs again, i don't know why my psych is not getting it right now, cos normally he is really really good. i paged him yesterday, so he knows i am not ok whatever happenns at work......maybe i need to take someone to tell him to help me, i just can't seem to let him know how serious it is, i can't be assertive.atypical depression........well that diagnosis doesn't exist here in australia, but I have read about it a lot in the US and a friend of mine there (who is my virtual twin, she and I are so alike it is scarey) has it. If you ever read Prozac Nation, it's what Elizabeth Wurtzel had/has. Instead of cycling through bad patches the bad patches just get worse and worse until it is nothing but bad. It builds up on top of itself. there are other symptoms, like sleeping lots more instead of lots less, and food symptoms (which don't apply to me cos i have an eating disorder so my eating is stuffed up anyway).
with "normal" depression they often medicate you heavily until you come through the depressive episode, come out the other side. Sometimes it can be a matter of just hanging on and surviving until it lifts again.
i won't come out the other side. I'll just get worse, that's the way it has gone for the last 3 yrs. I'd be going ok, start to get worse and end up hospitalised every second week because of self harm or OD's. The second time this happenned they did ECT, which restored some sort of balance and i was ok for a bit, then it starts again...........
now i have a job and i don't want to lose my life to depression again. it controls me enough but if it takes over completely i can kiss any plans for the future goodbyesorry i am ranting and raving again
i'm pretty desperate
CC
Posted by Elle2021 on July 3, 2004, at 23:49:08
In reply to Re: atypical, posted by ceesea on July 3, 2004, at 22:20:16
CC,
Atypical depression sounds awful; it also sounds like it is pretty difficult to deal with. What medications are you taking for it? How did the ECT work for you?
Seeing your psychologist for three hour sessions must be really nice. Mine are only for 50 minutes. I always wish I had more time to talk.
It's great to hear that you have a new job, that's a good sign. Let's hope you and your pdoc can find an effective treatment.
By the way, I don't mind if you rant and rave, I've been known to do the same at times... :)Elle
Posted by ceesea on July 4, 2004, at 1:07:02
In reply to Re: atypical, posted by Elle2021 on July 3, 2004, at 23:49:08
hi
yeah it's hard to deal with specially cos people wanna help and say stuff like "just hang in there" and i know that won't help, cos it isn't just going to go away. but they think i am being negative when i say that, really i am just being realistic.
i used to see the psychologist for 1hr but seeing as i have to drive so far to see her it seemed silly so she was willing to try 3hr sessions, which we find good (with coffee breaks/smoke breaks). do you find when you leave you suddenly think of 400 things to ask them/tell them? i used to get home and write down all this stuff and that would take up the whole next session - clearly 1hr was not enough.
I am on Edronax 8mg bd and seroquel 50mg nochte. the seroquel is just to make me sleep. tried most meds and haven't had a lot of success with them or the side effects were too bad.
ECT was good for me the first time, didn't even forget too much, but then my idiot psych said to have it again just 3 months later and then have it once a week for 2 months. I don't remember much from the first treatment to when i told him to get lost cos i couldn't remember anything. My concentration went bye-bye and i grew to really hate the 2nd hospital. i think it would have been ok if I'd only had the first treatment (6 times over 2 weeks), and not the others? But i can't really know. I would like to try TMS the magnetic version but I would have to go to Sydney to get that and it's a bit far right now.
been working for 4 months, part time, and my boss tried to blame me for all this shit that wasn't my fault 2 weeks ago. i've been fighting him ever since, and tomorrow i should hear what the area manager has to say. i should be able to go back to work next week maybe, unless of course i am in hospital. I dunno, i like my job but i can't stand the manager. but i think the company who owns them encourages management to treat workers like dirt cos they don't have to pay us as much.
hey thanks for replying AGAIN to my whinging. where are you from?
CC
Posted by Elle2021 on July 4, 2004, at 2:42:30
In reply to Re: atypical, posted by ceesea on July 4, 2004, at 1:07:02
Hi CC,
I'm from America, but someday I would love to visit Australia or New Zealand. I've been thinking about studying abroad, but I still haven't made my mind up yet. In addition to that, it's pretty expensive to travel!It must not be very fun working at a job where you feel you are being treated poorly. I asked about the ECT because I have been considering it for myself. All the medications I have tried don't work. I still feel depressed as ever, at times it gets worse and then lifts a bit. Can you tell me about TMS?
In answer to your question, yes, when I leave my therapist's office, I think of hundreds of things I should have or at least wish I would have said. Do you ever find that when your therapist asks you a question, you don't think about it before you answer? I find myself doing that all the time, sometimes I even give her an answer that I later don't agree with. It's weird, I think I get really nervous with her.
Elle
Posted by ceesea on July 4, 2004, at 3:56:26
In reply to Re: atypical, posted by Elle2021 on July 4, 2004, at 2:42:30
hi elle
TMS is a magnetic version of ECT, without the side effects and the anaesthetic. It's still being trialled here in aus so I can only get it if I travel to sydney, but they have approved it and you can get treatment in the few places they do it. It's nothing like ECT in that they don't knock you out, so there are no side effects like dopeyness and stuff. You can have it, and go home straight away or to work or whatever. For ECT here you have to spend the night before in hospital and the whole day they do it there too so you can recover from the general anaesthetic. There is no loss of memory or muscle pain or any of that stuff with TMS either. My psych said some studies show it as being very good and others aren't as good as people initially hoped, but seeing as it doesn't hurt in any way there can't be any harm in trying, i feel.
Having said that i probably will have ECT, with it's confusion and pain and memory loss, because i can't stay in hosp if I go to sydney to have TMS, and I don't want to be there alone in this state of mind. ECT did help me the first time, didn't make me happy but made me able to keep fighting.
I am really comfortable with my psychologist, I have known her for 4 yrs and been seing her for 3, so I don't usually have any probs answering her questions, but I do say stuff to my psychiatrist sometime then think what the hell did i say that for? he's from eastern europe somewhere and it doesn't help that sometimes he misunderstands what i say too. I think part of it is that they ask questions we need to think about, so I start to answer and then as I do my answer changes, like i need to talk my way through it to find the answer. my appts with him are 45mins, so there's never enough time to sort out the past week and my feelings and stuff.
gotta go, stepdad is here to poison our ant infestation I think.
CC
p.s. sorry to hear you have treatment resistant dep too. It's really disheartening to keep trying meds and they do nothing.
Posted by Pfinstegg on July 4, 2004, at 10:37:33
In reply to Re: atypical, posted by ceesea on July 4, 2004, at 3:56:26
just wanted to mention that I had an initial course of TMS for three weeks, "off-label" here in the US, and that it worked extremely well for my atypical depression. I have since had short booster sessions several times, but have not needed any for the past six months. It is so easy to take, and side-effect free. Could you go with a friend to Sydney? The doctor who gave it to me said that he tries to switch his ECT patients over to TMS if he can, because their quality of life is so much better without memory loss and the repeated anesthesia.
Posted by ceesea on July 4, 2004, at 20:21:10
In reply to Re: atypical » ceesea, posted by Pfinstegg on July 4, 2004, at 10:37:33
thanks for that info. I haven't got the money to take a friend or my fiance to sydney with me at the moment.
saw my psych today and he has put me on lithium as well as the other drugs, says TMS should be available here within 6 months but doesn't know about the cost of it.
CC
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