![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 37. Go back in thread:
Posted by Racer on March 27, 2004, at 15:13:06
In reply to Help with office drama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 14:16:09
You know, I've got a million things to say about this, none of which is going to make me popular. I'll try to skim over most of them, rather than giving you my in depth views, in the probably vain hope that I won't offend anyone here.
First of all, there is nothing -- not one single thing -- that you can do about A. A has made up her own mind about this situation, and anything you try to do will only confirm her in those opinions. Trust me, I've been there and there is nothing at all you can do to understand or help her.
For the rest of you, though, you have to work together to overcome the difficulties this situation causes for you. It's not going to be comfortable for any of you, though. No matter what you do, A will accuse you of being unfair to her, and there's no way to counter that argument -- because you *will* have to be unfair to her. To make it easier on yourselves, you can remind yourselves and each other that she herself began this unfair situation. There, you already feel bad, don't you?
My best advice from what you've said is to write up a list of her accusations, explanations such as you've given for what happened and why, and just let her know as neutrally as possible that the situation is impossible, and you're NOT going to engage in it.
For example, regarding the radio, write a short memo saying that the radio was put on that desk based on outlet availiblity before desks were allotted. DO NOT offer to change the radio, to change desks, to do anything to make her more comfortable. Just write down the reason that radio is on that desk. Period.
Spooling documents to printers is a technical issue, and once you log off the computer, it's likely to foul the print job -- no matter what the manual tells you, once you turn off that machine, your print job is likely to fail. Tell yourself that a six year old can grasp the idea that a common printer is not for his or her exclusive use, and that your coworker is therefore behaving as a three year old. Then tell her that if she sets up a print job that doesn't work, she can damn well print it out again.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Working with unreasonable people is very hard.
Now for my politically incorrect take on this: a lot of minority groups -- and I include women in this -- find slights against themselves. I've done it, and I've experienced having it done to me. But the hard fact of reality is this: life ain't fair, and sometimes we just have to do what we have to do, with or without cooperation. Every time I've tried to cooperate in situations like this, it's turned into abuse of me and hasn't helped the situation. My advice? Do as I've done, and adjust your ambitions: my ambition is to become A Bitch. I want to become someone who does not allow herself to be pulled off course in order to minister to someone else's ego. Tell me the job, tell me where I have to go, and then get the hell out of my way and I'll get there. Don't you dare tell me that I have to be "nicer" to the sales guys, tell them that I do good work and I'm not hired to be their nanny. To me, that's being an effective bitch, and that's what I want to be.
Sorry if that upset anyone. It's genuine, it's honest, and it's how I feel. I hope it's helpful to someone. If it isn't, at least it's another perspective. If you do find it offensive, think about this before you respond: It reflects my honest feelings and desires. If you tell me that I have to restate it, please remember that you are asking me to revise my feelings to please you. Are you really sure you want to do that?
If you do ask me to revise my feelings, please state clearly your reasons for believing you have the right to tell me that my feelings are wrong.
Thank you for your time.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 27, 2004, at 15:32:15
In reply to Help with office drama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 14:16:09
Ok, in this situation here's what I'd do...
One of two things..
1. When you feel the tension building, I'd try to liven the whole atmosphere up by briefly mentioning, "It's no panties Friday. Ladies, who's playing?" or doing cartwheels (in slacks of course), singing a goofy song, throwing yourself on the ground and complaning that you just have to hump something, anything.. It works for me because I can get away with doing things like that. Once I saw a smile on her face, I'd say, "I really need some fresh air. Let's get outside, away from these people (stick out your tongue at everyone else)." Then, when I had her outside, away from the atmosphere, just listen to her. Explain that things like this haven't happened in the past. Chances are she's just having a rough time at home right now and bringing it to work with her. I'm sure she'd appreciate knowing that she does have a friend in the office and talking about it will help her. Also, I'm sure that your friend in the office won't see it as you "choosing sides" just as conflict management and avoidance.
OR:
2. Ignore her and hope for the best. I think though if you avoid it, or try talking it out with everyone involved, she'll really feel "ganged up on." Since you seem to be a neutral party, you seem to be the perfect person to approach her and talk it out. I've just found that putting that smile on someone's face before talking about a situation lets them know that you are a friend and on their side. I wouldn't suggest approaching a supervisor or talking it out with everyone involved, as she seems "persecuted" in the first place and this will only make things worse. Let her know that you are on her side or at least not picking sides. And please don't patronize her by placing a book on her desk. I fear that would put her over the edge. Also, find out if you can move the radio to a different desk or on the floor. Or switch her desks. Sometimes people are finicky, but imagine what you'll be taking home with you if you help remedy this situation and make her feel better. Good luck dear. I wish you well!
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:33:39
In reply to Re: Help with office drama-truama! » gardenergirl, posted by 64Bowtie on March 27, 2004, at 14:58:23
Okay, Rod. I think I may understand going out of body. Last night as I was driving to a friend's to watch a basketball game (I wonder if I am giving away too much to say GO ______! Elite Eight, baby!) Anyway, I was working on centering my energy via deep breathing and visualization. After that, I felt cleansed of the negative energy, and that's when my thinking about the situation shifted to concern for her and her issues and took it away from my own hurt. Now, I can't do anything about whatever is going on with her, but suddenly it became much less personal. And I enjoyed the game (and who couldn't, GO _______!)
Is this what you mean, although perhaps in my own quasi-alternative language?
Also, I will havd to check out those books, although I don't know if I could leave them for her. It seems like it would also be taken as an affront. Uh oh. Am I back in my body? Is that fear? I'll keep working on this. It's REALLY difficult for me to separate my emotions, especially when I am PMSing. They're so much more intense. Perhaps I need to 2 chair myself.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:34:33
In reply to Re: Help with office drama-truama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:33:39
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:36:53
In reply to Re: Help with office drama!, posted by Ilene on March 27, 2004, at 14:59:51
Ilene,
Thanks for your response. I tend to think the same thing myself, although I worry that I am interpreting it via my own experiences and hers are obviously so much different than mine. I do feel like I learned a major life lesson here. Funny how I really hate those. They are usually disappointing to my small town optimism and trust.gg
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:40:04
In reply to Oh, Baby! I've got a world of things to say!!!, posted by Racer on March 27, 2004, at 15:13:06
Racer,
Just got your email and will respond shortly. But I think a lot of what you are saying fits in with what Rod is saying about separating the emotions from the actions and thoughts. It sounds like you are sticking with behavior, actions and facts in your job, which can't really be argued (unless you are "A"). But that leaves you protected. I like that approach. I like the efficient b"tch idea, as well. It doesn't mean you are aggressive or obnoxious, just focused on business. What better thing to be focused on in a workplace.I think a workplace of psychologists and trainees leads to way overanalyzing stuff. If only I could stick to the business and be efficient.
gg
Posted by DaisyM on March 27, 2004, at 15:41:43
In reply to Help with office drama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 14:16:09
I don't know how I follow Racer but I have to try...
I lead a workshop called "Team Building For Women" so I *think* I might have something to share about this. Plus I'm the director of a staff of 32 - 31 of whom are women. We have REALLY tight space, I have the only private office. So hurt feelings, slights, messy kitchen melt downs are always in play around here.
First, I think you've done a tremendous job of trying to rationally explain what did happen. You've also listened to her point of view and were empathetic. The big clue is in her statement of feeling persecuted...this was inevitable if she is looking for it. So I would recommend one more attempt that goes like this:
"A - I feel the need to try one more time to clear the air around here. I don't want to rehash the details of who did what to whom...obviously we have hurt feelings and misunderstands all around. But, since we all have to work together in this office, it seems to me that it would be better for everyone if we could move past this. I'd like you to know that I hold no ill will for you and even admire "fill in the blank here". Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you get past it.
Then, stop talking. I totally agree with Racer that it will be uncomfortable for awhile and will feel "forced". But lots of little things can help, some of which will feel like sucking up.
1) put flowers on all 4 desks.
2) put some easter eggs on each desk (chocolate always helps)
3) Make quick, complimentary comments that don't call out for an answer - "nice shoes!" "Good color for you!"4) If you can pass on some compliment you heard from someone else about anyone in your office in front of her, or B or C, it goes along way to helping people reset their minds. "Hey, "B" I heard professor such and so say that you did a great job with client X. Good for you!" And so on.
There will be a million people who will tell you (and me) that behavior in this way is "weak" or whatever. But if a peaceful, professional environment is the goal, these little things go along way to lighten things up.
Finally, the Director in me says, you don't have to be friends with everyone you work with. And coworkers sometimes aren't all going to like you, or your friends. And this sucks, because we all want to be liked. But you CAN'T change an overtly hostile person who absorbs everything as hostile or "on purpose". Think about working with a paranoid client -- reality and facts do nothing to undo the conclusions that have already been drawn. Spending tons of time explaining things simply confirms to them that you are guilty and covering up. And it gets more and more frustrating for you.
Essentially I guess what I'm trying to say is that little things might make a difference but you might need to pretend for awhile that all is OK and ignore the random negative comments. Time will make things better, or "A" will choose to move out/on/whatever. Even if a supervisor is available to help "hear" both sides, at this point I think the facts are not what are important. Rather, it is her obvious feelings of being the outsider looking in. You can't help that nor can you fix it.
I'm sorry, GG, these situations are always hard. We all feel so high-schooly about them. I bet it must be especially hard in a therapy office, where understanding is suppose to reign supreme. *sigh* More proof that Therapist as "just" people like the rest of us.
Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:48:35
In reply to Re: Help with office drama! » gardenergirl, posted by Karen_kay on March 27, 2004, at 15:32:15
KK,
I think I like approach number one. I tend to be a goofball in the office anyway, although perhaps not as overtly as you. But anyway, Nardil has really brought the old, goofy, groan at the sense of humor me. (I'm so glad she's back!). "A" does often laugh at me and wonder if I'm drunk or whatever. She thinks of me as a breath of fresh air. But the last few days, she just ignores or shuts down. And I can't help but be personally offended at the name calling she did about my friend. It was a very personal attack, not just the generic "bi"tch" word. I swear, if I hear it again, I will call her on it as calmly and behaviorally as possible.I don't really want to deal with it via going upstairs to my boss, but he is already somewhat invovled as B went to him the other day. I have a weird position in that I have some administrative authority over the second year students upstairs, but I am officially a peer with my office mates. But I get treated by all as the leader/boss in some things, although not clinically. It's a weird dynamic. But I think it does put me square in the middle.
I have had really wonderful one on one conversations in the past with her. We laughed, we cried, etc. We even talked about race issues in the program and how hard it is for her to be the only minority in our cohort. That's what's so puzzling to me. I felt like we had established a trust and a relationship. But right now it's all shut down. I hope once her CCE's are done, she will get back to the usual A, which was still sometimes hard to deal with, but at least more rational.
Thanks for the advice and of course the visuals! Office is too small for cartwheels, but I have a great pair of orange giant sunglasses which make me look like Jimmy Neutron. I love to put them on and see how long it takes for people to notice.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:55:10
In reply to Re: Help with office drama! (long), posted by DaisyM on March 27, 2004, at 15:41:43
Oh thank you Daisy. You know, I do use flowers to help in the office. I was thinking there was no one desk to put them on, but your idea of putting them on all desks is great. Now, if only my lilacs were blooming now. And I don't have enough daffodils to go around. Time to visit the florist. If anything, I KNOW they will brighten my mood!
Wow, you must have to go through stuff like this all of the time. I agree that some can perceive intentional acts to promote harmony as weak, but you are right, if it accomplishes your goal, it's an investment!
Thanks, and thanks for also being there on another thread. I know your support is really helping her.
gg
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 27, 2004, at 16:00:39
In reply to Re: Help with office drama-truama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:33:39
Posted by 64Bowtie on March 27, 2004, at 16:21:04
In reply to Re: Help with office drama-truama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 15:33:39
(((GG))), Its most important to do out-of-body with vision; in the mind's-eye. Other old habits that let the pain and suffering in will re-emerge to muck things up again. Intrinsic to vision is focus; so keep your focus on the vision (in the mind's-eye) of the conflict and don't be tempted to feel your way to resolution. Including "feelings and logic" as "options and caring", is not anything like the bad habit leftover from childhood of feeling your way to a decision. "Options and caring" take adult level strategy to implement them in harmony.
Rod
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 16:41:04
In reply to Re:Re:Help with office drama-truama! » gardenergirl, posted by 64Bowtie on March 27, 2004, at 16:21:04
Thanks for helping me understand your model by applying it to my situation. I always learn better through application! And thanks for caring enough to do it in the first place.
(((Rod)))
gg
Posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 19:50:30
In reply to Help with office drama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 14:16:09
gardergirl:
i was struck by the mention of A's race before any other part of your story. after re-reading the story, i also noticed that her race is not relevant to the story at all.
(keep in mind as i write this that i am canadian and we do not have the same kind of racial history as americans)
i personally think that any and all racial issues do not belong in the workplace. i was struck also by your conversations with A about her minority status. perhaps this is reinforcing victim behaviour?
in my view, her behaviour was unprofessional, and she should definitely be told that unprofessional behaviour will not be tolerated. there are no mitigating factors that i can see, assuming everybody else in your office acts professionally as well. your boss may well be the person to have a talk with her, since her behaviour is impacting others at the office.
Posted by CrazyGuy on March 27, 2004, at 20:29:02
In reply to a cultural thing? » gardenergirl, posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 19:50:30
I agree with gardenergirl's last statement. I don't see what her race has to do with this? Why mention it? What color eyes do the other "Caucasian" women have? What color hair does the man have? Why are these insignificant details not also mentioned?
Posted by CrazyGuy on March 27, 2004, at 20:33:23
In reply to Yeah, what does 'race' have to do with this?, posted by CrazyGuy on March 27, 2004, at 20:29:02
oops! that previous post from me should read "...agree with OCTOPUSPRIME's last statement..." (sorry for the confusion.)
> I agree with gardenergirl's last statement. I don't see what her race has to do with this? Why mention it? What color eyes do the other "Caucasian" women have? What color hair does the man have? Why are these insignificant details not also mentioned?
Posted by Karen_kay on March 27, 2004, at 20:54:19
In reply to a cultural thing? » gardenergirl, posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 19:50:30
Well, there was a tone to gg's post that made me feel that "A" possibly feels she is being "set up" based on her race. I think this is why gg included this bit of information. She also included the fact that the others were Caucasion, and the genders. "A" as we like to call her, mentioned that she felt persecuted. Also, if you read the reply from gg to me, gg talked with A about the minority of minorities (pardon my lack of vocabulary, also please pardon me, I'm the least politically correct person I know!!!) within the department. I didn't see a problem with mentioning the races involved. Why did others? It wasn't like she was saying that A was acting this way based on her race or throwing any sort of accusations around. Just setting up the story. Perhaps she neglected to say that A felt persecuted due to her race and that would have helped a bit. But, in her reply to me A's race does play a part in her constant feelings of persecution.
Posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 22:26:52
In reply to Re: a cultural thing? » octopusprime, posted by Karen_kay on March 27, 2004, at 20:54:19
> I didn't see a problem with mentioning the races involved. Why did others? It wasn't like she was saying that A was acting this way based on her race or throwing any sort of accusations around. Just setting up the story. Perhaps she neglected to say that A felt persecuted due to her race and that would have helped a bit. But, in her reply to me A's race does play a part in her constant feelings of persecution.
karen_kay: i did read gg's reply to you.
to clarify, i don't think it's a problem that A's race was mentioned. the reason i brought it up was more as a talking point for gg - so she could think about why it was important to mention it first, and what it meant to her.
i read gg's original post and her reply to you. gg said she talked to her "friend" about how being a minority was hard (which it must be), but she mentioned the word persecuted in a different context (about a movie), and gg didn't connect the two concepts explicitly. it's possible to feel persecuted without being a minority (i, as a white woman, felt plenty persecuted before my last round of medications) so the two things don't necessarily have to be intertwined.
maybe i am being too literal in reading these posts. however, i just think it's strange how ordinary sub-optimal office behaviour has morphed into something more.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 27, 2004, at 23:35:33
In reply to Re: a cultural thing? » Karen_kay, posted by octopusprime on March 27, 2004, at 22:26:52
Ahhh, I see, said the blind man tripping down the stairs. I only brougt it up in this context because there was another poster who also mentioned it. I then added your name because we have interacted in the past (how's Bukowski treating you, BTW and even I'm surprised I remembered that interaction :)...
Funny you should mention about being a woman. I don't really ever feel as though I've been persecuted as a woman. I absolutely LOVE being a woman and even though there are benefits to being a man, I wouldn't change my gender for a thing in the world. I couldn't imagine not being able to cross my legs completely. Yeck! All joking aside, I realize that women today are still discriminated against in so many ways but I look around and see the beauty that women possess (and POWER POWER POWER) and wouldn't change that for anything. We're so much stronger than any silly little boys. Plus, every one knows that women have all the control, even if they aren't always willing to admit it. I just don't allow anyone to take advantage of me anymore, male or female. That's not being a bitc*, that's being confident and strong!
But, I just thought she mentioned race and therefore assumed "being persecuted" by race, not by gender, because she mentioned that there were 3 other women in the office. Funny how we all seem to assign different meanings to posts though, huh?
Posted by octopusprime on March 28, 2004, at 0:17:06
In reply to Re: a cultural thing? » octopusprime, posted by Karen_kay on March 27, 2004, at 23:35:33
now this is getting kinda funny.
i was unclear again. i didn't feel persecuted as a whote woman, i felt persecuted just cuz everybody was out to get me. :) that darn mental illness thing popping up. paranoia was my friend.
(you know, like nirvana says, "just because you're paranoid / doesn't mean they're not after you")
on the whole woman subject, i have felt treated differently as a woman (especially as a woman studying and working in traditionally male-dominated fields) but never persecuted. i am a bit of a ball buster (if that's civil) ;)
so i think i learned an important lesson today about speaking clearly and about refraining from ascribing motives when the jury is out.
i met a friend of bukowski's while reading. i think john kennedy toole is bukowski's longer-winded cousin. he wrote "a confederacy of dunces", the insanity rivals that of a bukowski book. (although the style is a bit different). i also had the opportunity to drink a fine mojito at a scarily-upscale bukowski's cafe.
i have kept my clothes on lately, have you? ;) (remember that too, heh?)
Posted by Karen_kay on March 28, 2004, at 1:08:28
In reply to Re: a cultural thing? » Karen_kay, posted by octopusprime on March 28, 2004, at 0:17:06
I've read that book numerous times. In fact I may just have to read it again and I just read it over the summer. :) The sad thing is he killed himself before the novel was published (if my memory serves me correctly, and that happens very infrequently). There's a movie in production and you can check out the list of actors set to play the characters at www.imdb.com or there was a discussion on the novel on the books board too. Something about Ignitius (wasn't that his name?) just kept me so interested. Perhaps it was his goofy hat? My old man used to wear a hat similar to the one I puctured him wearing in the novel. Now, if only my old man would put on about 40 lbs and 20 years, I'd be set...
About keeping my clothes on: yes, somehow I've managed. A bit too much I'm afraid. Those older men just aren't flocking as much as they used to. Perhaps I've lost my touch? Or maybe it's the meds? Maybe I'm learning? Oh, no, say it ain't so... Ok, I just got naked, to say I took my clothes off. I'm going to go running through the streets at 2 am just to say I still have it in me Perhaps you can swing by and we can both run through the streets naked? We could be locked up in a rather unsuitable hospital together. Wouldn't that be an experience? :)
And about the funny thing: I don't ever feel like I'm treated any different because of my mental illness, or my race, or my gender. I feel that because of my mental illness, I'm (and I'm only speaking for myself, not saying that anyone else is of course, just from my own perspective and situations) blessed (oh, no! I can feel the hate mail now :) I think that since I have a mood disorder I'm more creative. I'm also a bit more challenged. If I wasn't challenged, I'd likely fall behind in a lot of areas in my life. Also, it helps with my quirkiness and darn it, I would not change that for anything. I could do without the depression of course, but oh what fun I have when manic. At least I'm not boring! I'll take mental illness over being boring right now in my life any day. Also, I think that's it's a good challenge for me. It's taught me to have sympathy and compassion. But, I honestly don't feel that I've been screwed over or given a raw deal in any aspect of my life. I'm just glad at this point I can honestly say that. I hope that's true for the rest of my life.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2004, at 2:32:23
In reply to dunces, you say?? » octopusprime, posted by Karen_kay on March 28, 2004, at 1:08:28
Thank you octopusprime for calling this to my attention. I do think that race, in part, plays a role. But I also think the bigger part is the personality of A to begin with. So, in my post, it seemed important to let everyone know about the races of all involved, because it could be construed by some to be racially motivated. I think, although I do not know, that that is why A thinks B and C are conspiring against her. She has stated in the past that she thinks B is racist, but she has not offered any examples of B's behavior when I asked about it.
But throughout this drama, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something unconscious I was saying or doing that was making the workplace hostile for A. This junk has really caused my self-confidence in interacting with her to waver.
Also, thanks KK for linking things together for me. You're a peach!
gg
Posted by Karen_kay on March 28, 2004, at 10:05:05
In reply to To clarify, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2004, at 2:32:23
I think I just instinctively knew that's what you meant by it. No harm, no foul. Pardon me for rushing so quick to your defense. It's a good sign though. It shows I'm rather fond of you :)
PS. Just when are you going to book me for those individual sessions????
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2004, at 10:19:54
In reply to To clarify, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2004, at 2:32:23
Unfortunately racism is still a pervasive force in society. And if a person has a bit of paranoia to begin with (and people of all races do, which is, I think what octopusprime was saying), it isn't at all surprising that the paranoia would come to settle around something that really is real in only too many circumstances.
There's not much you can do about it other than to make sure you don't feed it. If she's run into racism often enough to be certain it's coming from everywhere, she's not going to stop no matter what you do.
I am a bit concerned for her clients though.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2004, at 11:44:51
In reply to Anytime gg, you're a gem :) » gardenergirl, posted by Karen_kay on March 28, 2004, at 10:05:05
Posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2004, at 11:49:03
In reply to Re: To clarify » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on March 28, 2004, at 10:19:54
Thanks Dinah,
I absolutely agree. This episode has made me question my behavior to see if there is something there I am not aware of. But I feel in my heart there is not, unless I am ignorant about the meaning of something, so I am going on that for now.Fortunately, this woman has an excellent supervisor. But some of the choices she makes regarding schedule managment and returning phone calls drive me nuts, but it is not my place to comment on that to her. So, in some ways, any psychologist who gets one of her clients later may have to do some damage control or extra work to prove that they are reliable. This drives me nuts. I wonder if some of that is leaking over into to other situation?
gg
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