![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 1:49:21
so. so i think i've come so far and then... all this 'work' to do.
[NOTE: there are some questions at the end of this rant, just in case you decide to skip down there...]
i'm terrified of sex. there. i said it. people know this but somehow i'm horribly ashamed to admit it. part of me thinks sex is for weak, perverted people who want others to control them or want to be in command. to me, it is completely separate from love, an almost violent act that is COMMITTED.
i don't know why i think this. i've never had reason to until just this month, when someone took advantage of me when i was drunk... but i've thought this for a long time. i constantly try and think of something that must have happened to me when i was little but nothing comes to mind... i don't know where i got these ideas or how to undo them. everybody seems to think i'm crazy when i get repulsed by the idea of sexual contact and sexual organs, etc. they tell me it's 'nice' and 'beautiful' and 'fun' and 'hot' and whatnot but i don't believe them. they talk about it so openly when i think it's something to be kept private...
has anybody gone through this? any suggestions/stories you can tell me of how you came to throw off your old ideas of sex and took on more positive ones, or what started your ideas in the first place?blah blah blah. thanks, babble-folk!
g.
Posted by fallsfall on March 15, 2004, at 8:02:20
In reply to dealing with it all... may trigger, perhaps, posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 1:49:21
I would be perfectly happy if sex didn't exist. I don't know why everyone thinks it is so important. And this makes me feel broken. Someday, in the distant future, maybe I will find out what they all think is so wonderful. But right now I have other things to work on (eating, cleaning, showering, shopping...)
Your attitude towards sex is different from mine, though. I left my husband, so I can just pretend that sex doesn't exist! It sounds like your social world doesn't allow you to avoid it as easily as mine does. But, I believe that everybody should be able to make choices about whether to have sex or not (I believe this even when people are married, but some other people believe that if you are married that you have a "duty"). Can you change your environment at all so that you are freer to make your own decision? If you are married, that might involve talking to your spouse and explaining how you feel - acknowledging that maybe THEY don't have the controlling attitude, but that for now you are very uncomfortable. If you are dating, can you express at the beginning of the relationship that you have personal limits (and set them to kick in before you would start to feel uncomfortable), and that some time down the road (6 months?) you would be willing to talk about why you have those limits and consider if the relationship gives you enough safety to move them?
Are you in therapy? Can you talk to your therapist about your issues with sex? (I remember when I first had to start talking about sex - 6 months into therapy - I couldn't even say the word "sex". It would not come out of my mouth. But, over a long period of time, I have come to the point where it is still uncomfortable for me to talk about, but I believe that talking will help me, and that talking to my therapist is safe.)
It is possible that something did happen when you were little. It is also possible that this message about sex was taught to you by your parents, and that you never personally experienced the control and violence that you speak of.
I'm really impressed that you wrote your post! That took guts. I'm also sure that there are others who feel like you do (whereas I'm just completely apathetic about it).
Let us know how it goes.
Posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 8:32:11
In reply to Re: dealing with it all... may trigger, perhaps » inthegloaming, posted by fallsfall on March 15, 2004, at 8:02:20
>It sounds like your social world doesn't allow you to avoid it as easily as mine does. But, I believe that everybody should be able to make choices about whether to have sex or not (I believe this even when people are married, but some other people believe that if you are married that you have a "duty"). Can you change your environment at all so that you are freer to make your own decision? <
well... i'm in college, so sex is a big topic of debate/discussion/etc. i guess it is everywhere, siiigh. i mean, i think it's good for me for it to be around as an idea--i'm young yet and need to 'get over' this. i think that when i meet the right person who is kind and loving and gentle with me then maybe it'll seem more 'real' and more safe.
>
> Are you in therapy? Can you talk to your therapist about your issues with sex?yes, and yes. she's been very helpful so far, but there's only so much i will say, you know? some of it just... ughn. won't... come out of my mouth i guess.
> It is possible that something did happen when you were little. It is also possible that this message about sex was taught to you by your parents, and that you never personally experienced the control and violence that you speak of.
>no... no i'm certain that it didn't come from my folks. they were nothing but loving and caring and open... that's why it's so perplexing.
thanks tons for your post. hope it all works out for you too.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 8:34:49
In reply to dealing with it all... may trigger, perhaps, posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 1:49:21
Gloaming,
This may be a completely inappropriate question and feel free to ignore this, but do you masturbate? Have you ever had an orgasm?
I'm just wondering if it is the ACT of sex itself that horrifies you or all that accompanies it as well. I'm a blunt person, I hope I have not embarassed you.
Posted by pegasus on March 15, 2004, at 14:47:22
In reply to dealing with it all... may trigger, perhaps, posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 1:49:21
Hi inthegloaming,
I don't know if I have any advice or explanations for you. I'm in the other camp myself (enjoyer of sex). But I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that it's such a difficult experience for you. It sounds really hard and painful, and I hope that you are able to get the the bottom of it with your T's help.
The way you describe sex is really common among people who are survivors of sex assault (as adults or children). And understandably so. If you've experienced violent controlling sex, then that is an awful experience. When it's good, it's all about cooperation IMHO.
- p
Posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 17:57:09
In reply to Re: dealing with it all... may trigger, perhaps » inthegloaming, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 15, 2004, at 8:34:49
yes and yes.
:blush:
i think it is something--that the sensation is something--one can do on ones own. it's a very private thing for me. i don't talk about masterbation either (in addition to sex, when relating to me)--only on anonymous forums, that is!g.
Posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 17:59:48
In reply to Re: dealing with it all..., posted by pegasus on March 15, 2004, at 14:47:22
see, that's just it... i HAVEN'T had that experience. i mean, in mild forms, but... but the link was there before... so i dunno.
thanks for your comments re: my other post on this topic. i've since talked to the person--the girl, i should say: yes, it was a girl, and i am a girl as well--and we've discussed our mindsets now and at the time. she feels REALLY bad about it and didn't mean any harm to me--she just took my nonresponsiveness as an invitation of sorts to keep going. that was my error, i suppose. i just... i wish... i wish i didn't feel bad about feeling bad. what if she's right? i don't want to think that any of this is my fault, even tho it kinda is cos i let it go on... i could have said something--i pushed her away when she tried to take my sweatshirt off. 'sweatshirt on,' i said, 'sweatshirt on.' ugh. well.
g.
Posted by pegasus on March 16, 2004, at 23:47:13
In reply to Re: dealing with it all..., posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 17:59:48
I'm so sorry that you're struggling with blaming yourself over the actions you took and didn't take. I think this kind of thing is so easy to second guess after the fact. The truth is, though, that when these types of things happen, we're all just winging it. No one ever teaches us how to handle unexpected and unwelcome advances when under the influence. And I think it's a big instinct for all of us to try to believe that whatever is happening to us is ok at that moment. Because otherwise, life is a scary thing. So, we minimize our own reactions, or use other defenses. So, you said, "sweatshirt on" when what you maybe would say if you could go back is "no". It's a totally normal thing to do.
I'm really glad that you talked to your friend and that she felt bad. I hope she apologized, and will think more carefully about what is consent. And I hope you're going to be ok.
((((inthegloaming))))
- p
Posted by inthegloaming on March 20, 2004, at 10:28:09
In reply to Re: dealing with it all..., posted by pegasus on March 16, 2004, at 23:47:13
thanks so much for your kind words, pegasus. ugh, this whole situation is so... i dunno. well, it's getting better, though i can tell the girl is trying to slide back into my life. she came and sat on my bed like old times and jabbered about her problems. part of me wanted to be like 'go the #$@ away, you @@#' but i hadn't the heart nor the strength at the time. feh.
anyway, i have great friends here who are making it easier/better. it's still a little complicated, what with all my issues w/sex and the like... meh.
anyway, thanks!
-g.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.