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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:05:14
Hi. After three months of medical leave, I'm going back to work next Wednesday. My co-workers know that I've been "sick" but don't know any details. I don't want everyone to know that I was gone for psychological reasons. I've been at this job for almost six years and am pretty close to most people there.
So, what do I say when people ask questions about what's wrong and where I've been???
Posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:31:55
In reply to Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:05:14
Hi! Glad to see you back! How are you feeling???
Would it be easier if you had one of your closest colleagues speak with the others and somehow indicate that you'd rather not be asked about it? You know, spread the word around? Hopefully some others who've gone through this will have better answers than I!
Chin up, girl, you can get through this and before you know it, you'll be back in a routine. I have faith in you and feel like this is going to be a good thing for you. Remember that everybody's gone through something at some time in their lives :-).
~ Lynne
Posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 15:36:36
In reply to Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:05:14
I wasn't out for 3 months, but I was out unexpectedly for a little over a week, and one of my coworkers had told others that I was on vacation. ha. yep. In the psych ward. I know 3 months for a vacation won't work for you, though, so...
my favorite response was simply "I'd rather not talk about it." and leave it at that.
I hope things go okay for you. I would suspect that most folks won't ask *why* you were out but more along the lines of *how are you doing?*
And do you know for sure that they don't already know the reason for your absence? Word travels fast in the workplace.
P
Posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:55:22
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:31:55
Thanks Lynne,
I'm still having med problems, but have to go back to work (financially). I actually asked my supervisor to tell people that I didn't want to talk about it if anyone asked him about me. He said he wasn't comfortable doing that and I'd have to deal with it when I came back.
My younger sister also works in my office and the poor thing has been fielding questions from co-workers this whole time. Unfortunately, she didn't know what to tell people (even though I told her to just say I was sick but was getting better) so she told everyone that I was doing fine. So who knows what people will think of that.
Posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 15:58:07
In reply to Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:05:14
> Hi. After three months of medical leave, I'm going back to work next Wednesday. My co-workers know that I've been "sick" but don't know any details. I don't want everyone to know that I was gone for psychological reasons. I've been at this job for almost six years and am pretty close to most people there.
>
> So, what do I say when people ask questions about what's wrong and where I've been???
<<I think Miss Manners, and Carolyn Hax, who I love to death (different column), would say, just keep repeating when they ask questions, "I'm feeling much better, I really appreciate your concern." "I'm feeling much better, I really appreciate your concern." They'll get it....It could have been *anything*, you know. When people are absent on med leave, I generally figure they've got cancer or something like that....but then, I've never asked. :-)
Posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 16:00:22
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » LynneDa, posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:55:22
>>I actually asked my supervisor to tell people that I didn't want to talk about it if anyone asked him about me. He said he wasn't comfortable doing that and I'd have to deal with it when I came back.
<<Sheesh. How supportive of him. <eyes rolling> Maybe your HR department could do something?It's nobody's business. Don't let them bully you into telling anything more than what you want to....Hang in there. I'm sure they'll leave you alone after the first few days....
Posted by Jai Narayan on January 15, 2004, at 20:09:53
In reply to The Boss » sfmom, posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 16:00:22
remember this is your life and you can give what ever information you want or not. I like what Susan said....
"I'm doing better. Thank you for your caring and concern."
I know it's hard everyone wants to know what happened. They are so curious and you like them so you want to be sharing....only say what you really feel comfortable saying.
Make it your own.
"I make it a practice not talking about my health."
"Thanks but I just want to be quiet about how I was feeling....I am happy I am feeling better."
"I love that you care and I am getting better. Maybe some day I will talk about what happened to me but right now I just need to get back to work."
just some ideas, I hope something hits the spot.
I, for one, am so glad you are better and can go back to work.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 15, 2004, at 21:48:55
In reply to Re: The Boss, posted by Jai Narayan on January 15, 2004, at 20:09:53
Hi.
I went through this problem a couple of years ago. I was terrified that everyone knew when I got back, and that wasn't far from the truth. Though no-one but the VP of operations was told, and he didn't tell anyone, most people had guessed. I was having mood swings, and my thinking wasn't clear, and I guess I was obviously (to a couple of people) losing it.
When I returned, I simply told people that I had been to the hospital... a minor breakdown and a change in my meds, and that was it.
Most everyone has heard of rock-stars, actors, writers, and talk-show hosts who have been hospitalized for substance abuse and mental healt issues. It's not as frightening now as it was 20 years ago. I honestly think that if you say something like "I was in the hospital for a while, recovering from 'whatever', that people will respect it. They won't be expecting you to do a nutter, or whatever. Have faith in you and them, as long as they aren't petty things. You might even find that there are some who have gone through the same thing, I did. Out of a company of about 20, there were four of us.
Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by Racer on January 16, 2004, at 1:28:52
In reply to Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:05:14
Of course, since I was self employed, and am not getting better, it's a little different. And I probably won't be able to get a client base back, since I've been out of touch for over six months now.
When I do talk about it at all, I tell people that it's a combination of a congenital, progressive problem, that came to a crisis because of stress -- both physical and emotional. Due to the situation -- my husband out of work for well over a year, and not doing much about it, three injuries within one year, etc -- that's partly enough. For those people I don't want to offend, one friend, one very loyal client, I tell them frankly that I almost died -- but don't specify that it was a suicide attempt -- and that the whole thing is still so uncertain that it disturbs me to go into details. Unfortunately, both are pretty sophisticated -- one a vet, the other a pharmacist -- so I have to be very careful what I say.
My problem is that most of the people I worked around can't quite imagine anyone being so sick for this length of time. To make matters worse, I was restricted from driving for a while, because of the risk of seizures from the drugs they put me on in the hospital. And, unfortunately, while my husband tries to be supportive, he really doesn't *do* much to help, and I need someone to help me in practical ways. {{sigh}} The pressures of all that's going undone is pretty overwhelming.
On the other hand, here's some more practical advice: tell the person you trust most in the workplace that what happened has long term consequences and is a chronic problem that you're still undergoing regular treatment for. All of that is true. Say also something along the lines of, "I have to learn to accept that I'll require long term treatment, and make major life adjustments. That process is still so raw, it's really hard for me to think about it, let alone talk about it, so please, if you can, discourage others from asking about what happened to me. Once I come to terms with it all, maybe then I'll be able to share."
If anyone presses for more information, please respect your boundaries and tell them that it's too upsetting, and ask them to respect your need to recover from the stunning blow. If you can manage a few, discreet tears, many will suspect a Female Problem, like cervical cancer, uterine cancer, breast cancer with reconstructive surgery, etc, and give you a break.
Why do people feel it's everyone's right to know the most intimate details of everyone else's medical conditions? Racer's Rant on the subject is simple: tabloid journalism. Pat yourself on the back for displacing the prurient interest in Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson for a few minutes at least.
Best of luck to you. (And is sfmom a reference to my home town of 45 square miles? I like to think so, makes me feel that tenuous link.)
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 16, 2004, at 12:21:15
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » sfmom, posted by Susan J on January 15, 2004, at 15:58:07
Can you just say, "I had some family issues I had to deal with" and leave it at that? Most people wouldn't pry after a statement like that.
Posted by Susan J on January 16, 2004, at 12:24:00
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 16, 2004, at 12:21:15
> Can you just say, "I had some family issues I had to deal with" and leave it at that? Most people wouldn't pry after a statement like that.
>>I like that! Takes the focus off of you personally and at the same time conveys it's private.
Excellent!
Posted by LynneDa on January 16, 2004, at 13:05:35
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 16, 2004, at 12:21:15
Yes, "family issues" is a great one! I agree! SFMom, what do you think? Are you doing anything special this weekend to prepare or celebrate?
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on January 16, 2004, at 16:20:48
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » Miss Honeychurch, posted by LynneDa on January 16, 2004, at 13:05:35
Yeah, "family issues" would have been a great one. But I blew that the day before I left by telling several people that I was sick but was getting treatment. I guess most people will assume that it was cancer related or something like that. Of course, once they see that I'm still smoking, that cover might be blown too.
I do like the idea of repeating, "I'm feeling much better, I really appreciate your concern." And I guess if they push the issue I could pull the emotional card with something like, "It's really too difficult to talk about right now."
You guys are great. Thank you so much for the ideas. I'm still worried about going back to work after so long. Also worried about still being able to do my job well. Hell, I'm worried about getting out of the house every morning! Although I'm starting off on a Mon, Wed, Fri schedule to ease myself back in.
No, I don't really have anything special planned to prepare/celebrate going back to work. And since Monday is a holiday, I have until Wed. I was going to try to spend the day on Tuesday (the only day I don't have my daughter between now and Wed) by myself and getting some work clothes together but it turns out a friend of mine is having minor surgery that day so I will probably need to take care of her son. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to go with the flow and try to hold it together the best I can.
And yes, that would be San Francisco, although I'm not too enamored of her right now since there was a shooting outside my building last night! Talk about not so great for my anxiety!!!
Thank you everyone for your support and input. If you think of any other ideas in the next few days, I'd love to hear them. I'll let you know how it goes next week.
--Lyssa
Posted by LynneDa on January 16, 2004, at 16:30:15
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 16, 2004, at 16:20:48
Lyssa -
I will guess that the anticipation of going back will be worse than the real thing! Once you get there, it may be easier than you think to get into your routine. I do much better at work than I do at home, actually - because there's more riding on it I guess and I don't have the reminders of the things that create anxiety like I do at home! Good luck, stay busy and I'll be thinking about you next week!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by 8 Miles on January 16, 2004, at 18:56:36
In reply to Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 15, 2004, at 15:05:14
Well, gee, I would have to say "congratulations" to you. Where I work, if someone goes out on leave for medical reasons associated with "mental disorders" they would have to provide about a 4 page document from a Doc saying that they were of no potential harm to self or others (unequivocally). NONE. No chance whatsoever that they have even a "possibiltity" of "whigging out". That is one reason that even though I could probably use a month or so away from work, I am afraid of the implications that doing so would follow me forever. My boss is already quizing me, and asking me for documentation about my "condition", which he has known about for 8 years. He had just recently told me that he understood that I had some limitations due to my "condition" and from the medications that I take, and he was willing to work through that with me. Well, that olive brach lasted about 10 days before I saw that there really were no olives on it. He is just trying to gather enough documentation so that he can have me put out of work. He thinks he is so smart. He really wants me out of his office because I have too much information that I could use against him (I'm NOT just being paranoid here!). What the rear-end doesn't know, is that I studied the American's with Disabilities Act from cover to cover. He doesn't have a clue what rights I have under this act that is part of EEOC guidelines. If he pushes me much furhter, he will find out. I have about 200 pages of documentation regarding the ADA, and my rights (which are the same as if I were physically disabled). If I ask him for "reasonable accomodations", which he CAN provide, he pretty much has to "play along". If he wants to push it, I can always file a Department of Labor claim for Occupational Ilness. I don't have to PROVE that the job CAUSED my illness, all I have to show is that it exacerbated a known condition. I hate being messed with personally, but even more so by people who think they know it all. I won an EEO claim against a former boss, largely because neither she, nor the agency, was prepared to challenge or disprove my allegations (they couldn't have anyway). SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......back to YOU. If you have received medical clearance to return to work, the LAST thing I would worry about is what everyone else thought about you. I would just tell them that you had an illness that was successfully treated, and now you've come back to work. I would not offer any more than that to anyone, even to my "so-called" buddies.
So, I again say congratulations for getting the treatment that was necessary to make you better, and for the ability to return to your job. That really is something to be happy about, and not scared about.
I wish you good luck!!!
8
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 16, 2004, at 21:03:51
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » sfmom, posted by 8 Miles on January 16, 2004, at 18:56:36
The ADA is a wonderfull piece of legislation. It provides us with LOTS of protection from our employers. The part that I like is that I can get a dog, and take her to work with me. (when I have a job, that is). I'm expecting to go back to school before work, and I'll be able to take a dog there.
You can't be dismissed for a mental illness, so long as you are safe and able to work. An employer may ask you for a document from a physician releasing you from work restrictions, but it doesn't need to list your condition(s). This is for the employers protection when they ask you to perform a specific task. That's really no different than when a doctor writes a letter telling your employer that you have work restrictions.
My philosophy has been to tell my employer what I think they need to know. If my condition is going to impact my ability to do my job, I'm up front about it. There is no need to volunteer any unnecessary information. Your employer doesn't need to know what meds you are on, though some may show up on drug screens. Providing the prescription to the proper people takes care of that.
If you are questioned about the number or quantity of meds that you take, then A: it's none of their business. B: the meds that we take would certainly mess up someone who wasn't already ill. Just the same as a blood pressure med would mess someone up if their BP was normal. Of course we take meds, and some of us lots of them, but WE ARE SICK! One of the meds that I'm on, Seroquel; I take 600+ mg per day. A friend's (who is also on Seroquel) boyfriend took one of her 100 mg tablets and was messed up for a week-end. It all depends upon the person, and we trust that our providers are doing the right thing. I have at least 5 meds that are supposed to make me drowsy, but these side-effects wear off, and we function better with them than without them.
Oh well, it's a pity that we have to educate so many people, but that's the only way to expect them to act reasonably.
Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by 8 Miles on January 17, 2004, at 17:46:20
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by deirdrehbrt on January 16, 2004, at 21:03:51
Good info, Dee. I could write quite a bit about the subject, but you got to the "nuts and bolts" very succinctly. Well said!
8
Posted by Racer on January 17, 2004, at 21:56:31
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say?, posted by sfmom on January 16, 2004, at 16:20:48
Shocking changes to my home town, all right. My former babysitter's elderly mother was held up at gunpoint in a parking garage right next door to my mother's a while back, in what had been the safe, boring Sunset district. (So called because the Sun Set there in 1898 and hasn't been seen again since... That was the old joke, thanks to global warming and pollution, of course, they don't get the same fogs they used to. When I was a kid, the racetrack at the Polo Fields would be so socked in you'd hear the other horses hoofbeats long before you saw them, so romantic.)
Good luck, Neighbor. Let us know how it all works out.
Posted by sfmom on January 20, 2004, at 1:13:52
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » sfmom, posted by Racer on January 17, 2004, at 21:56:31
> Shocking changes to my home town, all right. My former babysitter's elderly mother was held up at gunpoint in a parking garage right next door to my mother's a while back, in what had been the safe, boring Sunset district. (So called because the Sun Set there in 1898 and hasn't been seen again since... That was the old joke, thanks to global warming and pollution, of course, they don't get the same fogs they used to. When I was a kid, the racetrack at the Polo Fields would be so socked in you'd hear the other horses hoofbeats long before you saw them, so romantic.)
>
> Good luck, Neighbor. Let us know how it all works out.
If it makes you feel any better, there are the off days, like today, when it was totally fogged in in the City and beautiful and sunny in Daly City. Whatever!?! It's still a great place to live, but we're probably moving in the next year because the SFUSD is really in trouble and if we move to Concord (yuck!) our daughter will be able to go to public school and actually get an education. Oh how I dread moving to the suburbs! I'm just not that kind of girl. (My hair isn't nearly big enough.) Wish us luck in Concord where they're oh so supportive of interfaith, interracial familes. . .By the way, I've spent many a day playing soccer at the Polo Fields, not much has changed. The only place where it hurts worse to get hit by a wet ball is at Beach Chalet, which is like playing under water.
Posted by Racer on January 20, 2004, at 21:16:21
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » Racer, posted by sfmom on January 20, 2004, at 1:13:52
There are places in the Bay Area, outside SF, that don't actually *require* big hair, and have good schools, to boot. Personally, I'd recommed Petaluma rather than Concord, because I have personal experience with the school district there, but there are other places, closer in or with better public transport, that you might want to look into.
Just a thought. And there are actually some interesting places around Concord, believe it or not. Independant yarn stores, fiber sources, quilt shops, a couple of doll house supply stores, some pretty out-there art stores, etc. Believe it or not, some of what made SF so great has been pushed out by real estate prices, so they're in the same places you might have to move to for the same reasons.
And public education is a shame. Willie Brown, give him his due, sent his son to public school, and at one of his support meetings before his first election as mayor I spoke up for him on that issue. It's sad that even a man who believed enough in public schools to send his own son through them couldn't do anything to save them. (And, for what it's worth, he came to all the parents nights and other school assemblies. He was not just posturing, he was involved. I respect him for it, and personally like the man.)
Posted by sfmom on January 20, 2004, at 23:34:05
In reply to Don't be too worried... » sfmom, posted by Racer on January 20, 2004, at 21:16:21
Thanks Racer,
I too had very high hopes for Willie Brown, but haven't seen many practical changes. And our new mayor (and governor and president) scare the hell out of me.
The reason we're moving to Concord is that it is where my (soon to be) husband works and where our daughter is in day care. So it just makes more sense to move there. I'm a legal secretary, so I can probably find a job out there although it will be lower paying. But hey, they can take the girl out of the City but. . .
I'm sorry that your husband isn't able to be more supportive. Maybe talking to a neutral third party could shed some light??? In my situation, his mom (who has also suffered from depression, but not near to the degree that I have) really helped him to see what it was like for her. And I guess hearing it from someone he respects had more impact than hearing it from me. Also, of all random things, I brought home a handout from my panic group that really validated him and his emotions and frustrations about this "illness" and really helped a lot.
Okay, time for me to get some sleep and prepare for my big day tomorrow. I have my clothes all picked out and everything. I feel like it's the first day of high school or something.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Thanks again for all your help.
Lyssa
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 21, 2004, at 12:34:51
In reply to Re: Back to work after med leave. What do I say? » Racer, posted by sfmom on January 20, 2004, at 1:13:52
Posted by sfmom on January 21, 2004, at 22:28:17
In reply to How did it go??? (nm), posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 21, 2004, at 12:34:51
Well, it went pretty okay. I'm exhausted and I really didn't do much work but that wasn't what I was really worried about anyway. Most everyone was really nice. They just asked if I was okay and said they had missed me and were glad I was back. Then there were the two people who asked what was wrong with me. . .well, thanks to you all, I was prepared. I just told them that it was nothing personal, but I had been through a really terrible time and was finally feeling better and that I just really didn't want to talk about it. That shut them up pretty good. Although I think one woman was offended. So what? Screw her anyway.
So, I made it through today. I still have to deal with the people from our other two offices because I have a firm-wide project that I have to finish, but I'll just handle it like I did today. I just had no idea that it would be so exhausting. Of course, I was up at 5:45 this morning in anticipation and my daughter picked last night to wake up not once, but two times. So I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight.
Thank you all for your help and support. It means so much to me!
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 22, 2004, at 8:40:46
In reply to Re: How did it go???, posted by sfmom on January 21, 2004, at 22:28:17
Posted by LynneDa on January 22, 2004, at 11:12:57
In reply to Re: How did it go???, posted by sfmom on January 21, 2004, at 22:28:17
Congrats! What a relief the first day is over and you did it!! Good luck on future days! I'm really proud and happy for you! Take care of yourself and get as much rest as you can. Remember to keep your expectations as realistic as possible so you don't stress yourself out too soon :-).
~ Lynne> Well, it went pretty okay. I'm exhausted and I really didn't do much work but that wasn't what I was really worried about anyway. Most everyone was really nice. They just asked if I was okay and said they had missed me and were glad I was back. Then there were the two people who asked what was wrong with me. . .well, thanks to you all, I was prepared. I just told them that it was nothing personal, but I had been through a really terrible time and was finally feeling better and that I just really didn't want to talk about it. That shut them up pretty good. Although I think one woman was offended. So what? Screw her anyway.
>
> So, I made it through today. I still have to deal with the people from our other two offices because I have a firm-wide project that I have to finish, but I'll just handle it like I did today. I just had no idea that it would be so exhausting. Of course, I was up at 5:45 this morning in anticipation and my daughter picked last night to wake up not once, but two times. So I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight.
>
> Thank you all for your help and support. It means so much to me!
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