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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 5:48:43
Don't ask your husbands if they'd do it all over again. Not even if you're feeling a bit needy. Not even if you had a terrific evening with them, on top of a pretty enjoyable week. Not even if you tell them first all the things you like best about being married to them.
Not even if, upon not receiving a bear hug and a reassurance that there's nothing that sounds more delightful, you drop very very strong hints that you're not looking for the truth here. Not even if you say that outright.
I shoulda married my dog.
Posted by NikkiT2 on August 14, 2003, at 6:57:32
In reply to Ladies, Don't do it, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 5:48:43
You've only just learnt this hun??!!! I've only been married 3 1/2 years, but I ahve learnt I don't always want to know the answers to these kind of questions.. but he has also learnt that when I do insist on asking these kind of questions, he just tells me he loves me and thats enough..
Nikki xx
Posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2003, at 7:52:30
In reply to Ladies, Don't do it, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 5:48:43
(((((Dinah)))))
You know that, no matter how he answered that question, that he loves you.
There are a million reasons for him to answer it the wrong way. Maybe he had indigestion
Which dog?
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 9:21:20
In reply to Re: Ladies, Don't do it » Dinah, posted by NikkiT2 on August 14, 2003, at 6:57:32
And if there's one key to a successful marriage, it's a lousy memory. So today I'll do my best to forget everything he said. I'm pretty good at that.
And Fallsfalls, the one I'd really like to have married is dead these fifteen years or more. But if it was legal to marry a female dog for this world and the next, I'd have done it. But I'd take my Harry over my husband at the moment, too. That little guy has the good sense to adore me. :)
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 14, 2003, at 12:09:38
In reply to Re: You're right, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 9:21:20
There is a difference, in my mind, between dogs and husbands that bears speaking of. For that matter, certain cats as well.
First, when something is wrong, and you need time to yourself, husbands will try to fix it, and then get frustrated when they can't. Dogs will sit with you, be comfortable with you, and allow you to just start feeling comfortable. This is much nicer.
Second, Dogs never complain about your cooking. They will accept anything that is the fruit of your labor.
Third, there isn't any condition on a dog's love. What ever has happened, if you love them, they will love you back.
Fourth, Dogs don't constantly try to prove how tough they are. They don't hurt themselves simply because they do things that they know they shouldn't be doing.
I could go on.... but I won't.
Dee. :-)
Posted by Tabitha on August 14, 2003, at 12:12:43
In reply to Re: You're right, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 9:21:20
So... you're husband is officially in the doghouse now? Sorry, I couldn't resist making a very corny joke.
((((Dinah)))) plus some big sloppy dog kisses.
Posted by Ted on August 14, 2003, at 12:21:25
In reply to Re: You're right, posted by deirdrehbrt on August 14, 2003, at 12:09:38
Dee,
> There is a difference, in my mind, between dogs and husbands that bears speaking of. For that matter, certain cats as well.
I am happy you clarified that this applies to only *certain* cats. I have one cat who thinks he is a dog. I have a second cat who is a miserable self-centered bitch (sorry Dr. Bob, I don't know a better term to use here). The latter is the one on ADs.
Ted
Posted by Ted on August 14, 2003, at 12:23:40
In reply to Ladies, Don't do it, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 5:48:43
Dinah,
> Don't ask your husbands if they'd do it all over again.
The real statement is, "Never ask a question if you might not like the answer." This applies to any question.
((((Dinah))))
Ted
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 12:42:29
In reply to Re: Ladies, Don't do it » Dinah, posted by Ted on August 14, 2003, at 12:23:40
Yeah, but don't husbands know what we wives (or at least I assume most of us) instinctively do? That there are certain times when the only answer is a really energetic lie?
You know, like "Do I look fat in this dress?"
Good heavens, I know when to, if not lie, then at least how to carefully frame my answer. Is it just my husband that is seriously lacking in emotional intelligence?
Posted by gabbix2 on August 14, 2003, at 13:29:35
In reply to Re: Ladies, Don't do it » Ted, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 12:42:29
What I don't get is....
(Pardon I'm speaking of men, because my experience has been with men)
They are really really energetic and convincing liars when its about cheating on you (they are of course NOT) so it IS possible, and might I say frequent with some.
Why are they so stuck on truth and honesty at all costs when it comes to not sparing your feelings. Its not like they have a Kantian principal they are adhering too. Gee.
Posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 13:36:15
In reply to Re: Ladies, Don't do it » Ted, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 12:42:29
"Is it just my husband that is seriously lacking in emotional intelligence?"
Um...yes?
I know (not that there's any comparison except the gender...) my ex had that problem. I literally had to train him how to answer certain things. We went to counseling and the counselor reminded him that even if he was not feeling something in that second and I was wanting reassurance, that in the bigger picture (ha) he really *did* feel say, love--so it wasn't a 'lie' to say it to me.
I don't thinkk I said that well, but I hope you get my point. My ex was like a savante; his brain was highly developed but his emotional intelligence was infantile.
Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 14:38:25
In reply to Re: Ladies, Don't do it, posted by kara lynne on August 14, 2003, at 13:36:15
It'll become another example of his lack of emotional skills. Perhaps I'll even look back and laugh affectionately about it.... someday.
I'll even try to think about what he was trying to say while trying to ignore how he said it.
And I won't give him a lesson of what it feels like to hear the truth. It might feel good short term but is hardly likely to improve matters long term. :(
(And Kara Lynne, you're right. My husband's IQ is in the genius range, but he is unbelievably literal in emotional matters.)
Posted by Penny on August 14, 2003, at 14:42:39
In reply to Re: Ladies, Don't do it » Ted, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 12:42:29
It's not just significant others, be they male or female, but can also be friends too. My roommate still doesn't understand that you don't always have to say exactly what's on your mind, exactly when you think it, moreso if it's unpleasant.
Not that I want her to be dishonest with me exactly, but a little tact never hurt anyone.
Me, I just go sound off to my therapist and feel much better afterwards, especially when it's something that I know might hurt someone else.
Of course, I don't feel like I'm able to do that as much right now. Maybe it's my emotional intelligence that's suffering...
P
Posted by Penny on August 14, 2003, at 14:46:01
In reply to Re: Ok, I'll reframe it., posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 14:38:25
> It'll become another example of his lack of emotional skills. Perhaps I'll even look back and laugh affectionately about it.... someday.
>
> I'll even try to think about what he was trying to say while trying to ignore how he said it.
>
> And I won't give him a lesson of what it feels like to hear the truth. It might feel good short term but is hardly likely to improve matters long term. :(
>
> (And Kara Lynne, you're right. My husband's IQ is in the genius range, but he is unbelievably literal in emotional matters.)My therapist told me, I guess it was last week, when I received the email from my roommate that I perceived as hurtful, that I should try to look for the truth in what she said, because rarely is EVERYTHING someone says wrong, and let the rest go. You can't change what the other person says, but you CAN change the way you perceive it (although I KNOW that is easier said than done).
Well done, Dinah!
(((Dinah)))
P
Posted by deirdrehbrt on August 14, 2003, at 17:22:12
In reply to Re: Ok, I'll reframe it., posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 14:38:25
I think you are really wise. Trying to teach someone else a lesson by doing to them what they've done to you is rarely effective. If they were capable of understanding the point of the lesson, they probably wouldn't have exhibited the behavior in the first place. If he is able to communicate, without getting upset, then it may be better to discuss the behavior that is troubling at sometime when neither of you are upset.
Wouldn't it be nice though, if spouses were able to talk to each other without taking offense at what is an example of behavior? It seems that when discussing something, and you point something out, like misuse of a particular word, that they become offended and the entire point of the discussion is missed, and nothing is accomplished.
Dee.
Posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2003, at 22:06:24
In reply to Re: Ok, I'll reframe it., posted by Dinah on August 14, 2003, at 14:38:25
...because you know that he loves you. And you know that he will stay with you. And you know that agonizing over it isn't going to help anything.
BUT
It would be nice to know how to keep it from happening in the future (in Addition to not asking questions that you aren't willing to hear the answers to...)
Even if you are ready to drop it, you should make sure that he at least knows that you have been upset. Sorry, I can't remember if you said that you told him.
You are a strong woman. I am impressed.
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 8:23:55
In reply to Re: Ok, I'll reframe it. » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on August 14, 2003, at 22:06:24
Only her medicine cabinet knows for sure. ;)
We did discuss it last night, and I reminded him of the few acceptable answers to that question. He apologized for hurting me. Things aren't warm and fuzzy but I guess we're ok.
He does have many fine qualities. I'm trying to memorize them.
Posted by ROO on August 15, 2003, at 10:38:46
In reply to Re: Strength or Risperdal? » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 8:23:55
It must be hard, though. Because I thought I remembered
that one of the things you're working on in therapy is
getting more in touch with your own emotions (am I remembering
that right?) and experiencing them...and if you allow yourself,
finally, to experience warm, fuzzy lovey feelings for your husband,
feel them deeply, and then express them....it can't help but hurt
if he doesn't return them. (I mean I know he really does return them
but sounds like he has problems expressing it)...I would just be afraid
I'd go back into my shell of not feeling.Not that that has to be the case, but do you fear that at all?
Posted by fallsfall on August 15, 2003, at 10:56:40
In reply to Re: Strength or Risperdal? » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 8:23:55
Good. Sounds like things are starting to look up. Good job!
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 11:23:56
In reply to Re: Strength or Risperdal?, posted by ROO on August 15, 2003, at 10:38:46
Hi Roo. :)
Yes, that will be one of the effects. I have to learn that my husband is not emotionally safe, however safe he makes me feel in other ways. Whenever I forget that I get slapped down. Sometimes it hurts more than other times, but it does hurt.
But I can safely feel things for my son and my dogs. And I actually have started feeling some warm feelings lately. My little dog is really happy about that.
Posted by ROO on August 15, 2003, at 14:05:09
In reply to Re: Strength or Risperdal? » ROO, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 11:23:56
In one of the latest Yoga magazines, I read an article
that was about how our relationships can be spiritual
practice for us....it was such a great article...no one's
relationship is perfect because none of us are perfect and
usually the pain in relationship (assuming it's mostly a
healthy relationship) can help us to grow stronger and more
centered in ourselves if we look at it as a spiritual practice.
(So said the article, anyway). It was a fascinating article.
I can get the name of the magazine if you want, and the author.
It helped me a lot. I can see that a lot of the pain I experience in
relationships are definitely centered in my ego. My boyfriend isn't
particularly emotionally expressive and of course, I'm a girl, and
I want to hear romantic things from time to time...and if I don't
get that, my ego can get all flared up and then I can get ugly about
it....and then ironically, I'm totally out of that loving place...seeking
more, more, more (the hungry ghost/orphan) and all I can see is what
I lack rather than how blessed I am. It's an ugly feeling place. When I'm
able to get back in center, back in spirit, it's like I'm at one with love
again...and I see how blessed I am. I AM loved and I know that. My boyfriend
doesn't verbalize it so much, but he shows me in his actions, which is really
the most important way. Words can be pretty empty. I've had some real romantic
guys that could sweep me off my feet with their flattery (and boy does my ego
like that)...but when it came to really being there, and showing it through action,
it was lacking.
Posted by Dinah on August 17, 2003, at 1:05:41
In reply to Re: Strength or Risperdal?, posted by ROO on August 15, 2003, at 14:05:09
Yeah, I do know what you mean. And despite my husband's real lack of emotional intelligence, I guess he does have his own ways of expressing his caring. For example, when I was too groggy this morning from the Seroquel, he told me he really didn't want me to try a whole bunch of new drugs just because he or anyone else was unhappy with my level of productivity. I thought that was kind of sweet.
Posted by fallsfall on August 17, 2003, at 6:53:42
In reply to Re: Strength or Risperdal? » ROO, posted by Dinah on August 17, 2003, at 1:05:41
What a sweet hubby!
This is the end of the thread.
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