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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
Your spouse decides to leave you and moves out and where does he go??? To your own brother's house.....
Tell me if I'm justified in being angry and hurt...
I think I am.
Posted by Dinah on June 13, 2003, at 20:29:05
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
I'd feel pretty angry and hurt. Do you have a good relationship with your brother? Does he have an explanation for extending hospitality to someone who has just hurt his sister?
I'm sorry Tina. That does seem like a low blow.
Posted by Greg on June 13, 2003, at 20:34:20
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
Boops,
You and I have known each other a long time. You're one of my best friends and we've shared much. Everytime I think I've reached the point where you can't surprise me anymore...WHAM!!!
Pissed doesn't even begin to describe it. I'd say that someone needs to re-evaluate his priorities.
Love ya dear,
G
Posted by paxvox on June 13, 2003, at 21:18:07
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel?? » tina, posted by Greg on June 13, 2003, at 20:34:20
I'd disown the both of them! Does your bro have no loyalty?
Posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 21:43:20
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel??, posted by paxvox on June 13, 2003, at 21:18:07
thank you for validating my feelings. Everyone looks at me like it should be no big deal that my brother took my husband in. They think I should be able to separate my relationship with my brother from his friendship with my husband. I feel like my brother should have told my husband that it would be inappropriate to have husband say with him but I've had to get used to everyone in my family choosing my husband over me most of the time. They all think he's perfect eventhough he just left me. They think I must have done something to drive him to it. Even if I did, don't you think they should still support ME instead of him? It just makes me feel like a second class citizen in my own family.
*sigh*
Posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 21:44:41
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel?? » tina, posted by Greg on June 13, 2003, at 20:34:20
Wow, I never though I'd surprise YOU with a crappy story about my family ;-) You of all people know what they are like.....
Posted by shar on June 13, 2003, at 22:26:11
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel?? » Greg, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 21:44:41
I'd say pissed and crappy would about cover it. Sorry you are burdened with this kind of crap in your life.
Shar
Posted by fallsfall on June 14, 2003, at 0:12:01
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
You are so right to be mad and hurt.
When I left my husband, my parents and both sisters sided with him. They would visit him, but they wouldn't come to my house. They would call him, but not call me. It was excruciating. I didn't have the option of staying, there was no way that my depression would get better if I stayed. My family didn't care, didn't listen.
It is now 4 years later and they are talking to me again. My son graduated from High School today (Yeah!) and I had a party at my house afterwards. My parents, one sister (the other is too far away), my ex all came. My parents had a good time talking to him because they haven't talked to him in a long time (we were married 19 years, so they knew each other pretty well). They still give him Xmas presents, but I'm the one they talk to to find out about the kids. So it really has gotten better.
The early pain is very sharp. But, at least in my case, things did improve.
My heart goes out to you.
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2003, at 2:30:53
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel?? » tina, posted by fallsfall on June 14, 2003, at 0:12:01
Congratulations on your son!
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2003, at 2:37:04
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 21:43:20
My father kind of feels that I don't really deserve my husband. I believe he straight out informed both of us of this fact upon our engagement. It's kind of funny to me now, because we're together. But it would hurt like heck if anything ever happened.
I'm sorry your family makes you feel that way, Tina.
Posted by a very little sphinx on June 14, 2003, at 4:28:29
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
> Your spouse decides to leave you and moves out and where does he go??? To your own brother's house..... Tell me if I'm justified in being angry and hurt... I think I am.
~
people always do what they think is right, very seldom do people actualy "choose" to do something in order to hurt people... I am talking about actions here, as people can say things to hurt people flipantly with very little care. You don't need justification for anger, or for feeling hurt... Those emotions belong to you, and they do not need to be validated.
Be angry, be enraged, feel slighted, but do not feel lessened... you are the same as before, someone's actions which where made for their personal benifit have caused you ill, and yet you still sleep with no peas beneath your matress.
Posted by Miller on June 14, 2003, at 11:05:12
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel?? » Greg, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 21:44:41
I know what it feels like to have a hubby be so unsupportive of you. I also know what it feels like to have family think of you as "irrelevent". I am very sorry you have to deal with that. Please know that I don't think you are irrelevent. In fact, I appreciate you very much.
Find people to surround youself with that care about you, not those that care for themselves only or a majority. They are out there and you deserve them.
Once your heart mends, I hope you find peace. :)
-Miller
Posted by judy1 on June 14, 2003, at 11:13:40
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
I would feel completely furious. Your brother has some serious fence mending to do with you once things are resolved. I hope you realize the problem lies with your family and not you. take care of yourself-judy
Posted by tina on June 14, 2003, at 19:48:30
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel?? » tina, posted by judy1 on June 14, 2003, at 11:13:40
I'm sorry. I just don't have a very high opinion of myself and so many people supporting my position is so foreign that it's hard to believe. Stupid, I know but I appreciate the kind words and validation so so much. Now I just have to work on believing it :-)
Sphinx, your words struck a chord and Miller, as usual, you've grasped the important points and reminded me that I do have people here that care.
Thank you all so much
tina
Posted by fallsfall on June 14, 2003, at 21:49:36
In reply to You aren't just being nice to me are you?, posted by tina on June 14, 2003, at 19:48:30
Well, I think we are being nice, but more than that, I think we are being honest.
Your family is supposed to be the people who will stand by you no matter what. Your brother is not fullfilling his family obligation.
It is correct (in my experience) to feel enormous hurt.
((((((tina)))))) We are with you.
Posted by kara lynne on June 15, 2003, at 0:04:42
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
Hi Tina,
I have a brother who has always managed to step all over me, while making me look I'm the one who's at fault for noticing. He couldn't understand why it was a problem to invite my ex-boyfriend to his housewarming party (he knew I wouldn't come if he did, and I was still hurting from the relationship). He just thought I should be over it. But boy it sure matters when *he's* hurt, and I used to listen to it all the time.He turned the other way when the same guy was being really abusive to me right under his nose when we were all staying on a houseboat together (joyful memory).
Then a few weeks before one of the most stressful events in my life was coming up not long age, he told me this ex-boyfriend was expecting his second child. He knows I will obsess about those things, and telling me that has (I'm ashamed to admit) consumed my thoughts since then. Why didn't I move on, get married, have kids, etc. etc. etc. I just didn't need to hear that, especially then.
Last year I got an email from someone I didn't know, who said she got my email address from my brother. She was conducting a survey on women over 40 who never married or had children. Needless to say I didn't respond, but *what* sensitivity my dear old brother has, huh? Not to mention that if I ever look at him wrong it's unforgiveable by him or the rest of my family.
Maybe it's a male child thing, I don't know. I'm sorry for rambling, but I've spent years trying to deal with the rage and hurt I feel around these issues with my brother.
And what you're going through tops them all. I'm sorry you have to go through it.
Posted by bookgurl99 on June 15, 2003, at 0:14:50
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
yes, it would bother me.
you are justified.
Posted by wendy b. on June 15, 2003, at 19:50:29
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
> Your spouse decides to leave you and moves out and where does he go??? To your own brother's house.....
> Tell me if I'm justified in being angry and hurt...
> I think I am.Ugh, Tina. Sorry I just now read your post, and I add my voice to the chorus of people here who think your brother is a toad. If you have kept yourself from going over there and SCREAMING at these two poor-excuses-for-males, I am amazed... That's probably what I would have done. Not that it would have done anything to change THEM, I guess, but it would have made me feel a whole lot better.
Family members owe us their allegiance, our spouses have their own fri__in' families! I have had many problems with my family over the years (although we have mended a lot of them), but the one thing they do have is loyalty to blood relatives and to tried-and-true friends, to a fault, even. This has got to hurt; you wouldn't be human if it didn't...
(stroking your arm, petting your hair),
love,Wendy
Posted by tina on June 16, 2003, at 12:30:18
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel??, posted by wendy b. on June 15, 2003, at 19:50:29
Wendy, I haven't spoken to my brother about it. He took my husband's side a few years back when my husband had an affair too, but I digress. screaming at either one of them just doesn't get anywhere. They don't hear me. None of my family hears me. My dad is always on my side but he doesn't hear me either. He just pats me on the head, gives me a hug and says "move on sweetie"
There isn't anyone I can just sit and have a conversation with about how much this is hurting me. I know that sounds selfish but I need someone to be there for me too, don't I? My husband seems to have his family AND mine so where is MY support and understanding???
I just feel alone.
T
Posted by wendy b. on June 17, 2003, at 7:24:28
In reply to Re: How would YOU feel??Thanks all, posted by tina on June 16, 2003, at 12:30:18
> Wendy, I haven't spoken to my brother about it. He took my husband's side a few years back when my husband had an affair too, but I digress. screaming at either one of them just doesn't get anywhere.
Yeah, I know it won't. But I imagine you doing it, and it gives me pleasure. Maybe just fantasizing about it (or looking at the mirror and yelling) would help - I dunno...
>They don't hear me. None of my family hears me. My dad is always on my side but he doesn't hear me either. He just pats me on the head, gives me a hug and says "move on sweetie"
Yeah, condescending. Sounds like expressing and dealing with emotion is not the family's forte.
> There isn't anyone I can just sit and have a conversation with about how much this is hurting me.
Well, I think we could chat (IM) sometime... You've mentioned it on the other board, maybe you can do it now, especially when you're not feeling supported. Or, just keep posting here...
>I know that sounds selfish but I need someone to be there for me too, don't I?Jeeze Louise, that isn't SELFISH, that's HUMAN! OF COURSE you need someone to be there for you. This is just a basic human need. And if you don't have it and haven't had it, your pain must be immense. I have felt that way sometimes - that I was all alone. Luckily, it was a passing thing, but I have cried many tears over that issue...
>My husband seems to have his family AND mine so where is MY support and understanding???
> I just feel alone.
> TI understand. I hope we can help you get through this, and that you feel you can express yourself here... People ARE listening. You need to know that.
I wish you peace today and always,
W.
Posted by noa on June 18, 2003, at 16:51:06
In reply to How would YOU feel??, posted by tina on June 13, 2003, at 20:23:11
>Tell me if I'm justified in being angry and hurt...
YES, of course you are justified!!
This is the end of the thread.
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