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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
Was doing so well on my medication, feeling better every day, starting to get interested in life again, drinking under control, here comes the sun.Then WHAM! Husband announces he wants a divorce, our 20-year relationship is now over - don't go away angry, he says, just go away! Goodbye, have a good life.
Since then, every day is a sea of emotion. Sometimes angry, sometimes crying, often sad. Cleaning out drawers, trying to figure out what to take with me into my new life, I find an envelope full of photos. I sort through these photos and realize that my husband has gone through albums and shoeboxes to collect his favorite pictures. There are old photographs - a few from his childhood and teenage years, pictures of his parents and brothers and sisters.
There are pictures of our son and pictures of his daughter from his first marriage. There are pictures from his time in the Army, pictures of drinking and hockey buddies, pictures of his dogs.
There isn't one single picture of me...not one.This hurt me the most. Out of everything he had said and done, all the insults and all the lies
and all the not-caring, this hurt so much it felt like physical pain. He had erased me from his life
without a backward glance - after 20 years.I felt my soul stagger. I thought my God, I can't take this. Just a year ago, I had made a serious suicide attempt and woke up from a coma in ICU just in time to avoid a tracheotomy, as there were signs that I might stop breathing on my own and would require a respirator. I had truely been on the fence.
Now, looking through these photos that my husband had obviously selected so carefully, I just kept thinking, "There are pictures of the fucking DOGS
here, and even one of the CAT that he doesn't like very much. And not a single picture of me, not even in the background, not one glimpse of me during our 20-year relationship.I started to wonder why I hadn't died. WHY did I have to wake up in ICU just to go through THIS??
I had never felt so humiliated, so rejected, so unloved. I felt myself sliding towards the abyss, the black depression that I had managed to claw my way out of just months ago. I recognized all the old demons flying at me: hopelessness, terror,
self-hate. Although I had busted my ass to make my husband happy for 20 years, nothing I ever did
was right, nothing was good enough. He complained constantly and usually did just exactly what he wanted to. Sometimes his neglect bordered on the sadistic - like the year that he made a big fuss over choosing exactly the right present for our neighbor, an attractive blond woman that he "felt sorry for" because she was "alone at Christmas".
(Her husband was in prison for dealing cocaine.)
After finding the right present, he went through great pains, right in front of me, to make sure that the gift was neatly wrapped.Guess what I got for Christmas that year from my loving husband? Nothing. Not even a card.
But I did love him, and spent many years trying to please him. Later, after my husband had happily announced that he couldn't stand me anymore, I was talking to my (adult) son, trying to figure things out, why my life had taken such a bad turn, and I said, "You know, when I met your father I was 23, and we've been together ever since...and when I look at pictures of myself now, when I was in my 20s and 30s, I'm really surprised by how...well, how pretty I was."
My son looked at me, and you could tell that he was genuinely shocked. He said, "Mom, you weren't just pretty. You were beautiful, really beautiful.
Mom, you were a knock-out!" Then he back-pedaled and said, "Not that you aren't pretty now..."I waved him off. "I know that I'm not pretty now,
I haven't taken care of myself like I should have. The thing is, I NEVER felt pretty with your father around. He was always bitching about me, how I couldn't do anything right...if I ironed a shirt for him, I never could "get the collar right." If I spent 4 hours cooking a wonderful dinner, the rice was always sticky or something was over-cooked or under-done. He never appreciated anything, nothing was ever good enough."I looked at these pictures of myself in my 20s and early 30s, marveling at my trim waist, my nice clothes, my beautiful hair. But I was not a "trophy wife" who sat home and looked good - I worked long hours at Shriner's Hospital, spending most days in the OR, and as an accomplished artist, during my "free time" I was allowed to paint wall-size murals all over the hospital that are still enjoyed today by the Shriners and the children. After a major renovation of the hospital, there was a grand ceremony to open the "new" hospital, an important introduction to the community about the Shriners' good works AND
an official tour for the Grand Poo-bahs who had authorized the tremendous expense involved in the hospital's reconstruction. Although I wasn't exactly a guest of honor myself, the murals and artwork I had done were a high-light of the tour. It was extremely important to me, this ceremony, but my husband refused to attend; he had tickets for a hockey game, or a headache or something. He never saw any of the murals I did, and when I would show him pictures of my paintings, he would toss them aside without interest or comment.Now I understand how anorexics feel. I understand how a young girl can pull up her shirt, count her ribs, run a hand over her pelvic bones, count the vertebra in her back, look at her caved-in stomach
and skeletal face, and feel that she IS FAT.During my 20 years with Ken, I never felt good enough. I was ugly, stupid, and lazy. I would never be able to cook or clean as well as his sainted mother. My family was just a bunch of Arkansas hillbillies while HIS family were aristocratic Boston blue-bloods. During our entire marriage, he refused to wear a wedding ring. He considered it unmanly to leave a note or make a phone call when he spent the night out with friends. On weekends, he would stagger in
between 2 am and dawn, sometimes later.Now, he's the center-fold for Midlife Crisis magazine. New car, new girlfriend, ditch the wife,
and maybe he'll start to feel better about his hair, which is drying up and blowing away like parched summer grass in the desert. With this new love, maybe he can forget about his thickening waistline, his spindly arms and legs.Anyway - signed onto AOL, saw letters written to mothers from young American soldiers that were killed in Iraq. I have a 21-year-old son myself that I treasure, cannot imagine enduring this kind of loss, cannot imagine surviving this pain.
I would gladly suffer through 1,000 divorces before losing my son. Suddenly, my pain is not so bad. The loss of an unkind husband is nothing compared to the suffering that these poor women
must be experiencing.My prayers are with our soldiers, and their mothers.
-Gracie
Posted by horridmonster on April 2, 2003, at 23:49:30
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
ohhhh - white rabbit my heart and prayers and love go out to you. wish i could say something more useful than that - hang in there - be prepared for you to BLOOM. It might take time, and it might feel lonely. But you're not alone. and now it's time for YOU. Treat yourself really well, even if it feels odd. And know there are strangers out here in the internet ether who are thinking good thoughts for you. -horridmonster
Posted by Miller on April 3, 2003, at 1:24:22
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
Gracie,
My prayers are with you as well. Divorce is hard. Damn hard. This may take you a while, but, you can make it through. In fact, at the end of this rough journey your son may look back and tell you what an inspiration you are.
-Miller
Posted by Tabitha on April 3, 2003, at 1:39:39
In reply to Re: 1,000 divorces, posted by horridmonster on April 2, 2003, at 23:49:30
hang in there Gracie, divorce is a horrible upheaval, but it can also be a rebirth. Take care of yourself and if you get too suicidal please get some meds. You survived the awful events of the marriage you described, so you can survive this too.
Posted by IsoM on April 3, 2003, at 2:31:03
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
Gracie, I'm not being callous but frank & honest.
Your life is now on the road to real self-discovery & happiness. Just as giving birth can be painful & a shock for a baby, so can divorce be for one. But you're a talented woman with a great deal of potential that you haven't even tapped yet. There's SO much ahead of you.
I've went through it 6 years ago after 24 years of marriage. I'd have rather my marriage was happy than be single like I am, but being single is 1,000 times better than the marriage I had. I really am so happy & contented now. I feel complete in myself, the many friends I have, & the way I can choose my own path. I can cook what "I" like to eat. I can watch shows "I" like to watch. I can listen to music "I" enjoy. I can finally do the things that I enjoy, not what "he" wanted.
Even though being released from bondage can be a relief, it's still a very stressful event. Be gentle to yourself. Take good care of yourself physically & emotionally - get lots of sleep & exercise if you can. And treat yourself regularly to small simple pleasures that you could not do when enslaved to that d*ckhead you were married to.
Your life will continue to get better & better!!
Posted by Tabitha on April 3, 2003, at 2:42:56
In reply to Re: 1,000 divorces » horridmonster, posted by Tabitha on April 3, 2003, at 1:39:39
Posted by beardedlady on April 3, 2003, at 7:37:45
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
I had to read through the other posts before I responded, just to see if we had any like minds in the bunch. I am pleased that Iso was able to say it first, as she can say it best.
It will take time to get over the hurt and betrayal. But this is not the heaviness of grief. This loss, this is a loss that may free you at last.
It's time to focus on you, to throw away the iron (hit him in the head with it first!), to grab your paint brush and make something beautiful out of this ugly event.
(Is this my same Gracie the mural painter? The wonderful talent? You are a love!)
In spite of all your pain and hurt, look what you wrote! How beautiful it was!
Don't you DARE slip into that abyss because of this poor excuse for a man. Don't you DARE let him beat you down. You live well and get your revenge that way. Now you can surround yourself with those who will tell you the truth: that you are beautiful, that you are talented, that what you give the world is worth more than anything ever taken from you.
Please come back to us for support during this troubled time. But you hold your head up. You are too young and have too many wonderful things in store for you to let this drag you down.
Here comes the sun, indeed.
Love,
beardy
Posted by whiterabbit on April 3, 2003, at 12:49:43
In reply to Dear Gracie » whiterabbit, posted by beardedlady on April 3, 2003, at 7:37:45
Thank you all for your kind words and support, I appreciate you guys so much. I have often used this site as an outlet for my grief, confusion and pain - I say things that I would not say to my friends and family - because I'm ashamed of my actions, or because I don't want them to worry about me, or because I'm afraid they won't understand or even worse, they'll think I'm crazy.
I'm very sensitive about that word, 'crazy'.In turn, I recieve advice and thoughts and kindness and prayers. When I'm feeling strong myself, somtimes I come here to offer the same
support that was given to me when I so desperately needed it, and I value this loving cycle.I did change my name here in probably a useless attempt to maintain some privacy from my husband.
Occasionally he'll read my posts so he can give me a hard time about the things I write. I can't help thinking, "Well hell, now he wants to take this away from me, too. Even this." I don't know why he has to be so ignorant. (This is a Missourism that means 'stubborn' or 'troublesome', but you have to pronounce it correctly: Ignert.)It's very hard not to be resentful. I don't want to be hateful and bitter, I know that the hater suffers more than the hated. I don't want to wish him harm or ill will - what I want is to not think or feel anything for him, to just get past this awful time and start again. I survived all that other mess, and I guess I'll get through this too.
Everybody, thank you again, you all mean so much to me and damnit, we deserve better than this!
-Gracie
Posted by fayeroe on April 3, 2003, at 13:58:47
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:48
Grace, although I haven't been on here in awhile, I had to respond to your letter. I went through something similar. It was a much younger woman. Our daughter even caught my husband in our house with one. When he turned 50, his whole world stopped and he grew very resentful of my work in photography. I had friends all over the United States that I had made while working as a photographer and he told me that he resented it. He is an accomplished professional but resented what I had done by pulling myself up by my bootstraps and learning my craft the hard way. I wasn't even a success for 20 years! It won't get easier soon, but it will be over. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Get a new haircut, get your nails done, start walking and buy some new clothes. He isn't worth the ground that you walk on. Anyone that wretched deserves whatever he gets and believe you me...what goes around, comes around. love, pat Good, Good Luck
Posted by beardedlady on April 3, 2003, at 16:00:48
In reply to To All, posted by whiterabbit on April 3, 2003, at 12:49:43
> I did change my name here in probably a useless attempt to maintain some privacy from my husband.
> Occasionally he'll read my posts so he can give me a hard time about the things I write.I put your name in my subject line. I'm such a bonehead. I thought you'd changed your name because you hadn't posted in awhile and forgot your password.
I'm so sorry. I hope you don't get into any trouble because of me.
beardy
Posted by beardedlady on April 3, 2003, at 16:02:02
In reply to To All, posted by whiterabbit on April 3, 2003, at 12:49:43
There. That'll fool him.
beardy : )>
Posted by wendy b. on April 3, 2003, at 16:07:57
In reply to Re: 1,000 divorces » whiterabbit, posted by fayeroe on April 3, 2003, at 13:58:47
i mean, it's our Gracie, right?
your message makes my heart break...
your husband is an ass. how you stayed so long is a wonder, and ultimately, a shame... he never deserved you.
and Pat's closing note:
> Anyone that wretched deserves whatever he gets and believe you me...what goes around, comes around.
it certainly does...
men like this are the real slaves - to their own misery - i think. just think how horrible it must be to live his selfish little life, never allowing the love of a real woman like you to get through his self-imposed castle wall... YOU will heal, my dear, but he never will...
love to you,
wendy
Posted by beardedlady on April 3, 2003, at 16:13:07
In reply to Re: Gracie, did you change your handle?, posted by wendy b. on April 3, 2003, at 16:07:57
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030401/msgs/215809.html
See the third paragraph.
beardy : )>
Posted by wendy b. on April 3, 2003, at 16:14:24
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:48
i just noticed the messages above, and i too am guilty of posting your name in the subject line, what an idiot...
i do this all the time, read posts from the bottom up, and then find out something was said earlier that makes my posts seem slightly... out of sync.
w.
Posted by IsoM on April 3, 2003, at 19:41:29
In reply to To All, posted by whiterabbit on April 3, 2003, at 12:49:43
I didn't feel worthless when I was with my husband. For one thing, he wasn't as horrible as yours, but I also credit my Mom for giving me a strong sense of self-worth & self-confidence. To her, I was the best thing since buttered bread even if my father didn't think much of me. She thought me capable of doing anything I wanted to. My Mom had far more confidence in me than I did - maybe I'm just more realistic.
But that didn't stop me from feeling ashamed. I think I felt ashamed that someone who's as intelligent as I'm supposed to be, could make such a stupid choice in a marriage mate. How could I be so blind? Mind you, he was good at coming across as someone completely different than he really is. After I made the poor choice, I figured I'd make the best of it I could. I was the ever-optimist, hoping for a change to the better even though I felt cynical that anything would ever get better.
Partly because I feel so ashamed that I married him, I've never talked much about what life was like with him. I don't need to keep dredging up the past & dwelling on the unhappiness & anxiety I went through. It's behind me now - finished.
Still though, my stupid mind can't toss it all away. I can't help but feel resentful, even after 6 years, that I wasted much of my life on him. I feel resentful that I put so much effort into doing the best I could, trying to be the most loving, empathetic wife I could be, only to come out with nothing. I still think I was a wonderful wife especially if given the chance. I have my faults (I'm absolutely crappy at organization, scheduling, remembering to get things done, keeping the house tidy (clean, yes, but not tidy), being scatter-brained at times) but I've also got some shining qualitites - like YOU!
So feeling a degree of resentment is only natural. I'm afraid being a saint is unrealistic. I don't want to be hateful or bitter either so I make a point of not bad-mouthing him to others, or anything that would make me seem the witch. Still, I can't help but feel a certain satisfaction when I hear that something in his life hasn't been good, but I don't want to gloat either. Like you, I wish I'd never see or hear about him again - poof! he has ceased to ever exist.
So if you feel like this in the months ahead, or even in the years ahead, it's normal. We can't live with someone for so long without being affected.
Posted by ShelliR on April 3, 2003, at 20:52:09
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
Gracie,
I'm glad you were able to let a lot of it out in your post. And I'm glad you have such a special and loving son. Your marriage produced him, and he's a blessing. (That goes for you too, Iso re your sons).
I think once the dust settles, it might be nice to do things and not have someone around to immediately put them down. And you never know who might be around the corner to share stuff with, you have plenty of life left. I'm glad you woke up last year, even though I can feel your pain.
Shelli
Posted by shar on April 3, 2003, at 20:54:25
In reply to SORRY. THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE. » whiterabbit, posted by beardedlady on April 3, 2003, at 16:02:02
Posted by shar on April 3, 2003, at 21:04:01
In reply to 1,000 divorces, posted by whiterabbit on April 2, 2003, at 22:28:14
What you are going through is heartbreaking. It's painful to think of precious you hurting because of someone like the S.O.Blueblood. As strong as you are, you will survive--I am assuming that, even with the BS your meds are still ok, and you're not toying with the idea of crossing yourself over.
Don't do that, ok? Almost losing you once is enough. But, talking about it would be good, if you do feel that way.
(\/)
(';')
(")(")Thinking so fondly and warmly about you, and wishing I was on site so I could give you great big hugs.
Shar
Posted by whiterabbit on April 4, 2003, at 9:59:40
In reply to Re: 1,000 divorces » whiterabbit, posted by shar on April 3, 2003, at 21:04:01
Thanks so much to everybody! When your self-esteem is sooooo low, encouragement and kindness
from people that you feel you KNOW and care about...it means more than I can say.Very bad day yesterday, broke down and cried like a baby in the psychiatrist's office. Eventually I worked up the nerve to ask him for some Xanax or Klonapin or something just to get me through the crying spells (even though what I really wanted to ask for was a great big bottle of Percocet), of course he wouldn't even consider it. He did give me a prescription for 25 mg of Seroquel for anxiety attacks (big deal, I'm already taking 400 mg every night) and upped my Paxil from 40 to 60 mg daily. He also told me to go back and finish the out-patient "dual diagnosis" program at the hospital (dual diagnosis meaning, I guess, depression and substance abuse). I had tried it before and dropped out after one day...not that it didn't seem like a good program, but I didn't think it was the kind of help I needed. For instance, I spent an entire morning listening to videotapes and lectures on STDs, AIDS and hepatitus. For heaven's sake, I've been a
health-care worker for 23 years, I have EMT and extensive operating-room experience, regular training (qualification) on CPR and sterile technique, I've written reports for OSHA myself.I also have a lot of serious personal problems that need to be addressed quickly, including the fact that I have NO money, yet I had parted with a precious $15 (my co-pay for the day's program -
every day would cost an additional $15) and I was sitting in a classroom listening to a junior counselor say, "Now can anyone tell me, will you catch AIDS from an infected person by holding their hand?"
I almost started pounding my head on the desk. I just kept thinking, my psychiatrist is an idiot.Anyway. That's today's rant, or at least today's first rant. I am feeling somewhat better today and, thankfully, even when I felt myself sliding toward the bottom, apparently I'm well past the stage of wanting to end my life or hurt myself. Even though I did get to the point of questioning my existance, wondering for what possible reason I had survived despite all the horrendous things I did to myself, I am now sure that suicide is wrong. It's spiritually wrong, and not only the worst thing you can do to yourself, but to those who love you.
Thanks again to everyone for reaching out to me,
I hope I can do the same for you when you need it most.
Love,
Gracie
Posted by bozeman on April 6, 2003, at 0:33:37
In reply to You guys are wonderful 8-), posted by whiterabbit on April 4, 2003, at 9:59:40
>> You guys are wonderful 8-)
Back at ya, girl. :-)
>>I almost started pounding my head on the desk. I just kept thinking, my psychiatrist is an idiot.
Maybe so. Probably so. But at least you recognize that, and that's worth something, right? Even if only a laugh. :-)
>>Thanks again to everyone for reaching out to me, I hope I can do the same for you when you need it most.
You already have, dear one. You already have.
Hang in, hang on, let your revenge be that you *thrive* without the jerk. And have a so-much-better life.
Hugs and prayers for you, whiterabbit.
bozeman
Posted by bozeman on April 6, 2003, at 0:38:14
In reply to Resentment » whiterabbit, posted by IsoM on April 3, 2003, at 19:41:29
I swear, in many ways we've lived the same life. It's downright spooky.
I don't see my ex-husband, or have to hear about him, and even after fifteen years, his shadow *still* falls over me sometimes. The insecurities he ingrained into me sometimes come back without warning, over triggers that seem little, but aren't.
But I'm feeling much better these days. Surviving the breakup with last boyfriend without wanting to slit my wrists, or run back into his arms when he (inevitably) realized what a jerk he'd been -- *THAT* was revenge on ol' ex-husband. You can knock me down but you can't keep me down. Not forever, anyway. :-)
Hugs
bozeman
Posted by IsoM on April 6, 2003, at 12:19:57
In reply to Re: Resentment » IsoM, posted by bozeman on April 6, 2003, at 0:38:14
Yeah, bozeman, I felt some connection to you in your posts (& it wasn't just your love of those furry rascals either) & thought we seem similar. I'm sorry I haven't emailed you yet. My life seems a little chaotic lately & there are a few people I like to keep in touch with through email & I've been negligent with everyone.
Between increased hours at work (it's a garden centre & spring plants are in) & my kidney kitty, Medusa, I seem to have little time to spare. For me, I portion out my time as wisely as I can & computer times is cut way down. I'm doing okay mentally & emtionally, but physically, I've been pretty tired. You will hear from me yet. I put your email addy away in a safe spot. =^..^=
Posted by bozeman on April 7, 2003, at 0:57:20
In reply to Re: Resentment » bozeman, posted by IsoM on April 6, 2003, at 12:19:57
No worries, IsoM. I'm not going anywhere. :-)
GARDEN CENTER!!!! Wow!!! Something else we share, I guess. If I had the time, money, and energy, my house would be a jungle. One year I went a little too crazy and planted about eighty-five pots. Gee, obsessive? I don't know what you're talking about. <chuckle>
I didn't do anything that summer but water and deadhead. But I had the coolest yard for miles!!!The boys and I pray for Medusa regularly. Sulley's been sleeping in my lap all evening. He got a nasty urethritis, probably from stress of being dumped and food change since I got him (only heaven knows what those people were feeding him -- pizza, mostly, I think.) But it's cured now and he's healthy again. He's back to pouncing out of the shadows at me when I walk by. He's such a big bugger he can really leap, bit me on the shoulder (gently) on one of his attack-leaps (and I'm not a short person.) If he was really wound up, I'm sure he could jump nine feet (or more) straight up. Sometimes I think those people dumped him because he was eating them out of house and home -- he's just finally cut (what I hope is) his last tooth, and he weighs a solid eighteen pounds, eats as much as the other two put together and they're big boys.
Sulley is very appreciative to have a good home, tries to do everything I ask even when he doesn't quite understand. Still not sure if I'm going to need to adopt him out -- jury's still out. Zorro's having a rough time this spring, some unrelated, but definitely exacerbated by Sulley's presence. He's getting territorial, moody, and bossy. Nothing I can't handle but I think Sulley would be happier in a one-cat household, and the boys would like their close-knit duo back.
Take care of yourself, dear, and hug Medusa for us!!!
Bozeman, Sulley, Wally, and Zorrrroooooo . . . .
This is the end of the thread.
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