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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by trouble on March 20, 2002, at 18:40:46
promiscuous eye-contact. i don't like people lookin at my eyes THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE! are they trying to feel safe, tryin to be deep, what are the rules, how many times are you expected to do it? per encounter? per sentence? how many seconds do you hold each gaze? what happens if you go over? where do you put your eyes afterwards, above or below? what happens if you give someone her change back and she's cryin when you make eye-contact, what then "come back and see us, have a nice day?" what if their eyes are boring into yours, what if your eyes are boring into theirs, boring being the operative word, why can't everyone just stare at the floor, that's what i do and it could be meaningful.
trouble
Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2002, at 19:02:15
In reply to things i disagree with VOL IV, posted by trouble on March 20, 2002, at 18:40:46
Posted by IsoM on March 20, 2002, at 19:30:08
In reply to things i disagree with VOL IV, posted by trouble on March 20, 2002, at 18:40:46
It's me, trouble. I *need* to make eye contact. I CAN'T not look at a person in their eyes. I don't look for hidden meaning or anything - I simply connect there. My oldest son, though, finds it hard to keep eye contact with most until he's very comfortable around them.
Posted by trouble on March 21, 2002, at 0:59:59
In reply to Re: things i disagree with VOL IV » trouble, posted by IsoM on March 20, 2002, at 19:30:08
> It's me trouble, I *need* to make eye contact. I CAN'T not look at a person in their eyes. I don't look for hidden meanings I simply connect there.
Connect w/ WHAT?
Dagdadgumdagnabbitt IsoM, we're talking about people who don't want to make eye contact. They're not going to connect w/ someone pressuring them to connect. That's the whole thing I'm railing against, this *need* to look into my eyes by someone who CAN'T NOT feels frightening to me, it is a rape mentality. I know about rape mentalities, the overpowering need someone has to invade me, feeling thoroughly justified b/c after all I crossed my legs when he walked by, didn't I?Now, I know that your need to look into my eyes comes from a pure and giving place, but that changes nothing. Innocence is charming in children, in adult women it can be a royal pain in the ass. You can't pretend away a gaping psychic wound. You didn't do anything to make me this way, it's not about you.
To connect means paying attention to the nuances, if the eye-contact makes the other uneasy, then more of it will make her more uneasy. Fear of eye-contact is a trust issue, given time and (this is my favorite word in the English language) restraint, I might come out of my shell a little more, and flash my big-sad-doe-eyes your way a second or two. You will have helped me to grow in that instant, drawing me out of the isolation.
We're all vulnerable IsoM, you may feel rejected by someone you want to know better who's pointedly avoiding eye contact, but if all other indications suggest that she likes your company, then it's not you, it's her. Meet me halfway sister, I'll give you the eyecontact you seek, but nothing is free, you have to earn it first. This is not your fault.Dang. We women want so much to get to intimacy that sometimes we go too fast, but rushing only means we never get there. Sometimes I wonder if women really want to get there.
trouble
Posted by IsoM on March 21, 2002, at 1:30:12
In reply to Now just a dadgum minute here, posted by trouble on March 21, 2002, at 0:59:59
When I say I need to make eye contact while talking with someone, I meant that. BUT I never *force* eye contact. Like I said, I have a grown son who has great difficulty with it. Most times, he no longer has problems with eye contact with me. But there's times he's feeling too stressed or vulnerable for some reason that he doesn't say. And that's fine with me. I vary in my moods - I'm not always perky & talkative. Some days the whole world seems even more incredibly stupid & cruel than normal & I withdraw.
So, I like to think I'm fairly attuned to people's needs, moods, & body language. If I'm talking to someone who's uncomfortable with eye contact & is shy or whatever, I'll feel it. The discomfort from that person I feel too. I find it easier to look away then, glancing back some to judge whether they are feeling even more discomfort. When someone has trouble making eye contact with me, I respect it.
The only avoidance of eye contact that I don't like is the shifty person hiding something. No, trouble, don't say how do you know that person isn't shy & uncomfotable - I've never been wrong with those - they might as well be wearing a big sign say "Shifty & Untrustworthy".
Judy, glancing sideways at her monitor to see if Robin answers back... :-)
Posted by trouble on March 21, 2002, at 17:13:57
In reply to Okay - Let Me Explain Again » trouble, posted by IsoM on March 21, 2002, at 1:30:12
IsoM, sweetie, I DID post a reply last night, thanking you for answering me back, something must be wrong w/ this board, b/c it was there and now it's gone!
But of course I know you're sensitive and attuned to others, that's why your original GIVE-ME-EYE-CONTACT-OR GIVE-ME-DEATH post gave me a double-take. I needed clarification, por favor, then I got it, muchas gracias,love,
trouble
Posted by IsoM on March 21, 2002, at 17:46:32
In reply to hey what happened here?, posted by trouble on March 21, 2002, at 17:13:57
This is the end of the thread.
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