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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
It's weird... I am feeling better after 3 months of Effexor XR, and after decades of dysthymia and years of major depression and residual symptoms. It feels great. I breathe freely again, each day is a blessing.
At the same time, now that the depression is behind me, I realize the mess that my life has become, and I am not sure what to do with it. Decisions to make, aspirations to aspire to. For a very long time, I didn't expect much of anything from life, so I didn't plan for much of anything either. The present was pretty much unbearable, forget the future! Now I dream of good things again, but geez, I'm so far behind! It makes me feel sad as I grieve over the past decades. And at times I feel overwhelmed at what's to come and how the heck I'm gonna make it happen. Sometimes I want the simplest life possible - minimizing problems, hence no family, a simple job and simple pleasures. Then sometimes I want more: a family (my original family traumatized me about family in general so I associate that to a lot of potential trouble - not simplicity!), a great job, a house - the whole deal. But I'm already 34, I don't have a decent job yet, I have lots of student loans to reimburse, I don't have a boyfriend, my career might send me to another country altogether, etc. A lot of uncertainty still, and nothing solid such as a good mariage either.
So there is a huge gap between where I am vs. where I'd like to be. I take pleasure in everyday I live, but I think of things in the longer run too. That's where I worry a bit and I'm somewhat at a loss. Some days I feel like I can't think of that because it'll ruin my day and that's the last thing I want after decades of days ruined. Some days it seems more realistic that good things will happen to me soon. I think of my age though and I find it hard to think that I'm already 34. I should be 24 due to the years lost to mental illness! A friend of mine recently put words in my mouth: he said I younged lately (rather than aged), and that's how I feel. The reality is otherwise however and I am expected to behave like a 34 years old.
Anyway... anybody else with this sense of needing some years back? Similar experiences?
- sid
Posted by IsoM on March 11, 2002, at 15:09:22
In reply to what now?, posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
Yes, sid, very similar feelings, except I'm 52. Where do I go - no longer have a husband (which I'm glad for), no real career, just a job & part-time at that? If I think of the future too much, I get discouraged. I do think it'll turn out well - I've always pulled through before & made sensible decisions on the whole, so thinking too long-term isn't really good for me as things can change so rapidly & in ways I never would antcipate. At least, my student loans repayments are managable.
I think I've come down to preferring the simple life. Food doesn't taste better if I'm eating off mismatched second-hand dishes than fine china. Old furniture, if clean, is just as comfortable as new. Plants, shells, & books along with secondhand store ornaments make for a nice, comfy decor. I don't need to see movies - most are special effects anyway & will soon be on video if I want them. Friends will lend me theirs anyway. Nice restaurants? I cook better than most & I know I won't get food-poisoning. Holidays? My own comfy bed & my backyard retreat are enough along with day-trips to parks & museums. Excitment? I'd rather sit down & talk with a few close friends, drinking wine & sharing stories & laughter.
I think the desire for a heart-mate & family can be pretty strong though. I *really* do miss close touch & contact - the spark that lights up when you make eye contact & both of you are thinking the same thing. My cats & friends get hugged a lot by me. That is the hardest loss for me, but then my ex- never touched me except for sex for most of our years together. I never did get much from him.
Perhaps you need to talk about your aspirations with someone you trust who can serve as a devil's advocate for every possible choice you might make for your future. Someone to really feel out the different paths to take to enable you to find what you may truly want & not just desire.
Posted by Greg A. on March 11, 2002, at 16:14:55
In reply to what now?, posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
Sid,
Age 49 here. Married, 2 kids (teenagers), career – type job. Can retire in just over five years with reasonable financial security. But I’m at the same place as you. I don’t know what I want in life. I envy you saying you are enjoying each day. I’m not there yet. My idea at this point in life is to take nothing for granted. A good day is to be savoured and enjoyed. Goals are nice but it is often the simple things which really make us happy. Whatever you do, do it completely and thoroughly. Don’t be in a hurry to get to the next item on the list, or even to reach a goal. The pleasure is in striving to get there. Have goals that are small in number, but be sure they are yours. Not someone else’s expectations.
Enough philosophy. I’m just encouraged to hear someone say they feel good!Greg A.
Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 18:01:14
In reply to Re: what now? » sid, posted by IsoM on March 11, 2002, at 15:09:22
> My cats & friends get hugged a lot by me.
That is funny - I do compensate by playing with my cat a lot these days... she must be VERY eager for me to get a boyfriend and leave her alone to sleep!
Yes, I guess I need to talk about it with some people close to me, except I am not comfortable talking about all this with anyone. Another therapy maybe? :-( Not yet, oh my God, I've had enough of that for now. Anyway, I am thinking about it all, that's a start.
- sid
Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 18:02:57
In reply to Re: what now? » IsoM, posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 18:01:14
Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 18:08:46
In reply to Re: what now?, posted by Greg A. on March 11, 2002, at 16:14:55
Thanks Greg.
I envy your financial security and family... so I guess these should be goals of mine! I find it difficult to stay well with so much uncertainty and unstability in my life. I do enjoy each day, but I'm eager for, at a minimum, my career to take off. If I'm lucky and meet the right guy, then perhaps a family with that. In the meantime, I smell the roses each day (or whatever smells good).I am grieving over the past decade however. A part of me is gone and has not really lived; I merely survived all these years. I guess that's why I'm impatient for my life to fill up with good things: I have some catching up to do. I meet people I went to high school with who have 3 kids and a job sometimes. What have you done?, they ask. Well, I've studied (in my head: and more importantly, worked very hard at not killing myself!). Oh well. I need to look forward and hope for the best.
- sid
Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 18:15:20
In reply to Re: what now? » sid, posted by IsoM on March 11, 2002, at 15:09:22
Thanks for sharing, IsoM.
I guess the thing that bugs me most is that if I want children, it has to be very soon. Since I was never well enough to invest in a long-term relationship, I'm nowhere near such a thing happening. I'm not the type of woman to be on amission looking for a guy to have kids with either... I'm hoping for happy coincidences, but at the same time, I'm running out of time! And I have major financial insecurity too - not a good time to bring kids to the world. So I may have to forego this project. Some days I don't mind, others I do. Well, some day I'll figure it out.
I agree that simple things are the best. Happiness is appreciating the little things in everyday life.
- sid
Posted by Mair on March 11, 2002, at 20:44:48
In reply to Re: what now? » Greg A., posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 18:08:46
sid
not too denigrate anyone's life, but your possiblilities are infinitely greater than those of Greg, IsoM or me (like greg, 49 with 2 teenage children). We all mourn those large sections of life that seem to get obliterated by depression, but at least you're coming out of it some at a time when you have not made as many lifetime choices. Family is wonderful - I wouldn't trade mine for anything in the world, but family becomes a huge factor in any decision you make. Life is a journey, not a result (already said) and life can begin at almost any age. My husband never started having children until he was 40 and women are able to have children later and later. You've got a ways to go before you're at the "too old" stage, so I think you should take it slow and easy right now. I know you're tired of a life of no expectations, but don't put so much pressure on yourself with so many aspirations, that you start to feel overwelmed.
Mair
Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 21:13:29
In reply to Re: what now?, posted by Mair on March 11, 2002, at 20:44:48
Thanks Mair.
I know... one step at a time.
In fact I always made decisions against having a family until now. I've come to realize that family can be a negative thing in one's life (my family of origin has been in the past), but it does not have to be that way. I find myself dreaming of something different - it wouldn't be hard to improve on my family of origin...
I guess I'm eager for change in my life, after soooo many years of status quo. Nothing has happened to me in so long, except my recent recovery, which is BIG NEWS to me, but which is not a conversation starter in public events... My friends don't even ask anymore what's happening, they've come to expect that nothing would happen with me. I say I feel good, but they don't seem to get what it actually means to me - except 2 of them who I'm closer to, although they live far away.
A life of possibilities... Still having trouble seeing that, mostly because I don't know what I want anymore. One day at a time... for now I've got work to finsh for tomorrow.
Well, thanks again for your input.
- sid
Posted by fi on March 12, 2002, at 8:42:06
In reply to what now?, posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
Lots of wise things said already...
I was thinking of a couple of things. Trying not to repeat, but apologies where I do:
Take it slowly in small manageable chunks- even someone of a very resilient nature would find it oppressive to try and catch up all at once. Schedule in things *now* which you enjoy, which were maybe hard to do before (going out for a meal with friends? going on vacation for a couple of days? going to a park or free museum with friends, if money is tight?)
Is there anyone you can use for what would be more career/life counselling, rather than therapy? Not about the past but the future?
'Lost years' are extremely painful to look back on, even for those who werent just trying to stay alive. I know someone who now works as the kind of counsellor I mentioned above, but who was a nun until her mid-40s. She completely lost her faith, and has had a tough time both rebuilding her life and coming to terms with those lost years- she sees them as a waste, and would have loved to have kids. Now she does amazing things on a small income, with very careful planning (like visiting exciting places).
Nothing so dramatic for me, but I do have my own load of 'if only's', as it seems have several of us. Probably everyone has some by middle age, tho of course you have had a particularly bleak time.
I think it comes down to doing 2 things at the same time; coming to terms with the lost time, so that it does not preoccupy you and use up time and energy now(although of course you still regret it),and planning for the future.
Good luck, and pack in lots of small things you enjoy!
Fi
Posted by sid on March 12, 2002, at 9:10:41
In reply to Re: what now? » sid, posted by fi on March 12, 2002, at 8:42:06
Posted by Anna Laura on March 13, 2002, at 23:17:30
In reply to what now?, posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
> It's weird... I am feeling better after 3 months of Effexor XR, and after decades of dysthymia and years of major depression and residual symptoms. It feels great. I breathe freely again, each day is a blessing.
>
> At the same time, now that the depression is behind me, I realize the mess that my life has become, and I am not sure what to do with it. Decisions to make, aspirations to aspire to. For a very long time, I didn't expect much of anything from life, so I didn't plan for much of anything either. The present was pretty much unbearable, forget the future! Now I dream of good things again, but geez, I'm so far behind! It makes me feel sad as I grieve over the past decades. And at times I feel overwhelmed at what's to come and how the heck I'm gonna make it happen. Sometimes I want the simplest life possible - minimizing problems, hence no family, a simple job and simple pleasures. Then sometimes I want more: a family (my original family traumatized me about family in general so I associate that to a lot of potential trouble - not simplicity!), a great job, a house - the whole deal. But I'm already 34, I don't have a decent job yet, I have lots of student loans to reimburse, I don't have a boyfriend, my career might send me to another country altogether, etc. A lot of uncertainty still, and nothing solid such as a good mariage either.
>
> So there is a huge gap between where I am vs. where I'd like to be. I take pleasure in everyday I live, but I think of things in the longer run too. That's where I worry a bit and I'm somewhat at a loss. Some days I feel like I can't think of that because it'll ruin my day and that's the last thing I want after decades of days ruined. Some days it seems more realistic that good things will happen to me soon. I think of my age though and I find it hard to think that I'm already 34. I should be 24 due to the years lost to mental illness! A friend of mine recently put words in my mouth: he said I younged lately (rather than aged), and that's how I feel. The reality is otherwise however and I am expected to behave like a 34 years old.
>
> Anyway... anybody else with this sense of needing some years back? Similar experiences?
>
> - sid
Hi sid,
i'm really glad you're feeling better.
To hear a success story is very encouraging, it gives me hope.
I don't know what else to add which it hasn't been said already; as far as i am concerned, if i were you i wouldn't put too much pressure on me, you know like: i have to do to this and that, "i have gotta have kids before it's too late" and so forth.
I think i would subscribe Mair's words when she says you should take it easy.
I know it's not that simple, but try not to rush.
Just enjoy and savour your new life: it's such a miracle! I think you should re-learn to follow your inner rithms and gut feelings, as depression left like mental "foot-prints" on you. Depression it's about being overthinking, over rational, all "in your head" sort of, if you know what i mean. Depression is about being pure intellect, disconnected -from- the -body, so that the best solution for you would be not too be too cerebral.
After all those years of depression i think you should re-learn to follow your body inner wisdom, feel your sensations and emotions and try to listen to what they have to tell you.
I suffered form depression when i was a child form age eight to thirteen; i know it's not the same thing as you're 34 (gonna be 33 myself, by the way) but there's like a common denominator in the recovery process that seems to fit anybody at any age or life stage. Mourning it's a natural process pertaining to everybody.
I recall crying for an entire afternoon when i was thirteen: i could finally breathe after five years "underwater". Nobody in the family seemed to understand what was matter with me (nobody ever knew i had been depressed actually) i think they thought i was kind of crazy, but i didn't care as long as i felt relieved.
Sorry for rambling: the point i'm trying to make is that one should allow his/her emotions to come out without judging and rationalize, you know like: "I feel better: what am i supposed to do now?". I know it might sound too simplistic or naive, but i think one should be like more "instinctive". Mourning it's o.k. and it's a natural process it allows you to discharge all the mental toxins you have produced when you were depressed; ruminate over the mourning process it's an opposite process, it's more like a depressive "cast" if you know what i mean.
I think we all should re-learn to be more emotional without thinking about the consequences, just like kids do;
i'm not talking about being irresponsible, it's more about learning again to get tuned on the rithm of life; life can't be planned and rationalized nor controlled; the best things coming without expecting them whatsoever; the best events of my life were serendipitous, most of the times i forget abou that, trying to control the events.
So, go ahead, indulge in the appetite for life: after so many years of austerity it wouldn't hurt.my best wishes
Anna Laura
Posted by sid on March 13, 2002, at 23:52:41
In reply to Re: what now? Follow your body inner wisdom, posted by Anna Laura on March 13, 2002, at 23:17:30
Thanks Anna Laura, what a nice response.
I do know what you mean. I tend to be too cerebral all the time and need to remind myself to use my gut-feeling more often. I also do research for a living, so I can't just stop being cerebral, but I certainly can try to be less of it in my spare time! Actually today, I had a long talk with a friend and heard myself saying that I wouldn't mind adopting if it turns out that I can't deal with children before long (for all sorts of reasons: meds, financial issues, no current boyfriend, etc.). So many children are abandoned, I'd feel honored to be able to adopt. And I must say, I don't have this very stroing female gut-thing which makes some women have their own children (the 9-month deal) at all costs. There's more to it than that, and so if I have a family some day, it'll be because I'm ready for it - ready to give them a lot and be the best Mom I can be. If depression comes back or if I have to be on meds forever, then I'll rethink this project.I still have some days where I get impatient... I do mourn the wasted years, and I think - isn't it time for my life to get back on track? I've beem working my ass off and nothing has changed in my life for soooo long - no progress in career or in personal life. BUT: progress in my health!!! Yeah. Too bad I can't write that on my résumé:
Achievement: survived several episodes of major depression (1995-2000), dysthymia (1980-2002) and GAD (??-2002).
Wouldn't that be funny? ;-)
Well I hope you do better too soon. And I hope it lasts for me... I keep reading about meds pooping out so I cross my fingers!
- sid
PS: you're from Italy, what city? Just curious, as I have a few friends in Italy.
Posted by Anna Laura on March 14, 2002, at 2:03:01
In reply to Mourning, resume, etc... :-) » Anna Laura, posted by sid on March 13, 2002, at 23:52:41
PS: you're from Italy, what city? Just curious, as I have a few friends in Italy.
I'm from Genoa (North-West Coast: the italian Riviera: you know Portofino? It's 10 miles from where i leave).
Posted by sid on March 14, 2002, at 12:47:02
In reply to Re: Mourning, resume, etc... :-), posted by Anna Laura on March 14, 2002, at 2:03:01
Posted by kar on March 14, 2002, at 14:48:36
In reply to Mourning, resume, etc... :-) » Anna Laura, posted by sid on March 13, 2002, at 23:52:41
Sid- Hey, I'm Karen...usually just lurk. I'm bp but it's been the depression that's been a bear to fix. I've had experiences similar to yours when I start feeling better and just feel this whoooosh! I think Anna Laura said it best when she talked about "the rhythm"...and that takes a little while to get back. I think that awakening from a depression is really similar to the experience of prisoners (how ironic) getting out of jail after a long time- they're overwhelmed, scared- happy to be out but "Ohmagod- what do I do now?"...
Anyway, everything else has been said- and so eloquently! (Mair and IsoM's posts are mugs of hot chocolate for me!)
Take care and I'm happy to hear you're feeling better!
K
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