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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 2:29:13
I feel that people in my life don't really understand that I'm depressed and how bad it has been for me. I often can converse about my life and whatever the topic of the moment is as if I had no problems. I act calm. I sometimes have spurts of enough energy to meet someone for lunch or help an elderly relative out--and sometimes I simply force myself to do these things, but the effort it takes given how I'm feeling isn't apparent to anyone else. People see me do things like this and they don't understand what I'm talking about when I say I'm depressed—why I haven't worked for over a year.
Last year and the year before there were times when I was in utter darkness from depression. All I could do was sit and hold my head in my hands for hours or sometimes curl up on the floor, shivering. People don't see this. I think they think I'm making excuses for why I don't look for a job. The fact is, I would love to be working. It's been very hard to look for work, given how I've been feeling.
I felt for a long time my life was spinning out of control. I feel slightly better now but I am scared because my finances have been affected. I got too close to the edge, my financial situation is too precarious.
I wish I could appear the way I feel. I wish I could get across how badly I've felt and how it's incapacitated me. How sometimes I can't even think. The thoughts just don't come, just this blackness in my mind. It would help a lot of people who knew me could see this, and understand.
Posted by Fi on January 2, 2002, at 5:41:44
In reply to I act too normal., posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 2:29:13
Its really tough,isnt it? Having something so disabling that people can't see, and that fluctuates sometimes.
I know people with visible disabilities sometimes have a hard time (eg in wheelchairs or blind) because of the way people treat them. But those without a visible one get treated badly too. Its the same for deaf people. And I've spoken to people with MS whose main symptom is fatigue which comes and goes, and they get exactly the same reaction from others as you do.
When I've been feeling appalling, my therapist has said that there is no external sign of the distress. I'm just a bit quiet and pale. And I know its the same with my mother, who has had more severe depression.
Its great in a way to not have the world know about your problem, but I wish there was a way we could choose to give people a glimpse when we want to. We're stuck with trying to describe it verbally, which meets with a variable degree of understanding but is worth trying. Where there is something slightly similar they have experienced, it helps a lot to compare it (eg the exhaustion of flu, the anxiety before an exam, the sadness of grief). But some of the other symptoms are harder to compare.
Unless you find out that they have also been depressed, of course, in which case even if they have experienced it in a different way, they know its something very difficult to cope with.
One good thing about this Board is not having to act normal!
Lots of luck.
Fi
Posted by akc on January 2, 2002, at 7:05:14
In reply to I act too normal., posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 2:29:13
> I wish I could appear the way I feel. I wish I could get across how badly I've felt and how it's incapacitated me. How sometimes I can't even think. The thoughts just don't come, just this blackness in my mind. It would help a lot of people who knew me could see this, and understand.
I often think if people could just experience 60 seconds of what we experience, that would be enough. They would want no more. And they would be amazed at the energy it must take to act, as you say, "too normal."
akc
Posted by MarthaM on January 2, 2002, at 9:14:11
In reply to Re: I act too normal. » mist, posted by akc on January 2, 2002, at 7:05:14
You said it so perfectly. It takes so much out of you to paint a smile on your face and when someone asks you "how are you?" just nod and say "Fine" when inside you want to SCREAM at them!
I wear so many masks!It really helps to read posts like this just to know there's other's out there that KNOW what it's like.
Thanks!> > I wish I could appear the way I feel. I wish I could get across how badly I've felt and how it's incapacitated me. How sometimes I can't even think. The thoughts just don't come, just this blackness in my mind. It would help a lot of people who knew me could see this, and understand.
>
> I often think if people could just experience 60 seconds of what we experience, that would be enough. They would want no more. And they would be amazed at the energy it must take to act, as you say, "too normal."
>
> akc
Posted by mair on January 2, 2002, at 12:28:08
In reply to Re: I act too normal., posted by MarthaM on January 2, 2002, at 9:14:11
The phenomenon being described here makes me feel like I lead a double life. I've almost never missed a day of work because I was too depressed to go in, but I've had countless days where I really got nothing done, because I couldn't concentrate, or because I spent the better part of the day staring out the window ruminating about suicide. I haven't told many people about my depression and when I have, I've mostly gotten responses that reveal a studied disinterest.
I read about a comment a woman made at a seminar on suicide. She said that her therapist told her that she "presented too well." I have no idea how I "present" to people but I do know that the more depressed I am, the harder I try to mask it and that I have fooled my husband on numerous occasions and my therapist on at least a few.
I think of myself as being a silent sufferer.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2002, at 18:48:18
In reply to I act too normal., posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 2:29:13
I've been on both sides of this particular fence. I often complain now that no one would know that things are as bad as they are from time to time, but then I remember. When I was an adolescent, I was suicidally depressed and I showed it. There was no more understanding then than there is now. There was just a heck of a lot more anger directed towards me. I finally figured out that people don't really care how you feel, they care how you act. I learned how to put on a good face and learn coping tricks to hide some obsessive phobias I had. Everyone was so relieved. I would still tell them that I felt bad, but since I behaved well, they didn't really believe me. But they also weren't as angry with me as they were when I behaved like I felt.
So overall, be glad you can pass for normal. In the final analysis it saves you a lot of trouble, and most people wouldn't understand anyway.
Posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 19:10:38
In reply to Re: I act too normal. » mist, posted by Dinah on January 2, 2002, at 18:48:18
Fi, akc, Martha, mair, Dinah,
I'm glad to know others can relate.
Dinah, I think what you say is true. That even if I showed it, the understanding wouldn't necessarily be there.
It seems that more needs to be done to educate people in the society at large about depression. For one thing, at least for me, real kindness, compassion and understanding from others always make me feel better--less depressed and able to do more. Some people seem to think they have to withhold those things to make the depressed person tough when in reality it has the opposite effect. -mist
Posted by Cecilia on January 3, 2002, at 1:17:38
In reply to Re: I act too normal., posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 19:10:38
> Fi, akc, Martha, mair, Dinah,
>
> I'm glad to know others can relate.
>
> Dinah, I think what you say is true. That even if I showed it, the understanding wouldn't necessarily be there.
>
> It seems that more needs to be done to educate people in the society at large about depression. For one thing, at least for me, real kindness, compassion and understanding from others always make me feel better--less depressed and able to do more. Some people seem to think they have to withhold those things to make the depressed person tough when in reality it has the opposite effect. -mistIntellectually, I know that there must be many people in the world who are happy and find life worth living. But, emotionally, deep down, I feel like most people are probably faking it too. I can`t imagine ever telling anyone (except medical professionals, and that`s incredibly difficult) about my depression. It feels like that would break the unspoken rule that everyone go around pretending they`re happy. Plus I feel that if they really are happy, it`s probably because they deserve to be and if I were ever to mention my depression they would think, even if they were too polite to say, well of course she`s depressed, who wouldn`t be if they were as ugly, socially incompetent etc as me.
Posted by pedr on January 3, 2002, at 7:44:28
In reply to Re: I act too normal. » mist, posted by akc on January 2, 2002, at 7:05:14
> > I wish I could appear the way I feel. I wish I could get across how badly I've felt and how it's incapacitated me. How sometimes I can't even think. The thoughts just don't come, just this blackness in my mind. It would help a lot of people who knew me could see this, and understand.
>
> I often think if people could just experience 60 seconds of what we experience, that would be enough. They would want no more. And they would be amazed at the energy it must take to act, as you say, "too normal."
>
> akcIn Iain M.Banks [british Sci-fi writer] novels, robots display different coloured auras to show the person they're talking to how they are feeling e.g. violet=angry, light blue=puzzled. I often desire some similar ability so that people around me can tell just how low I'm feeling. Then I wouldn't have to fake the "I'm fine thanks" response so often and people would know why I'm so quiet.
pete.
Posted by mair on January 3, 2002, at 12:49:14
In reply to Re: I act too normal., posted by pedr on January 3, 2002, at 7:44:28
I know of a guy who when asked how he's doing, invariably replies "Much the same, more's the pity." It usually solicits a laugh, not sympathy or even further inquiry, but at least this would be a truer response which might not make you feel like a fake.
Mair
Posted by pedr on January 4, 2002, at 12:44:10
In reply to a good response, posted by mair on January 3, 2002, at 12:49:14
> I know of a guy who when asked how he's doing, invariably replies "Much the same, more's the pity." It usually solicits a laugh, not sympathy or even further inquiry, but at least this would be a truer response which might not make you feel like a fake.
>
> MairMair,
it's funny you mention that because I often say "the ususal, thanks" which is similar but not as slick as your acquaintance's reply. And I thought my reply was really unique and clever too.... ;-]Cheers,
pete.
Posted by Dinah on January 4, 2002, at 19:59:50
In reply to a good response, posted by mair on January 3, 2002, at 12:49:14
That is a good response. I'm trying to remember it and practice so that it will sound natural for me.
Incidentally, for what it's worth, I'm guessing that you "present" very well indeed. You always strike me as an incredibly grounded and sensible person with a good sense of humour. I daresay that you appear that way in person as well. I'm not at all surprised that you can fool your husband and therapist. And while it's often useful to be able to be a silent sufferer, I'm sure it's lonely at times too. Hmm, maybe that brings us back to that "disconnected" topic.
Posted by Mair on January 6, 2002, at 17:47:16
In reply to Re: a good response » mair, posted by Dinah on January 4, 2002, at 19:59:50
> Dinah - I probably do "present" okay most of the time. I've noticed that while i can look ok and engage in very typical interactions with people, I can't translate that into the focus and actions of a non-depressed person. So I go through these awful days when I don't get much done while I try desparately to sound to colleagues and clients like i'm on top of things.
Mair
Posted by Emme on January 7, 2002, at 14:18:40
In reply to Re: a good response » Dinah, posted by Mair on January 6, 2002, at 17:47:16
> > Dinah - I probably do "present" okay most of the time. I've noticed that while i can look ok and engage in very typical interactions with people, I can't translate that into the focus and actions of a non-depressed person. So I go through these awful days when I don't get much done while I try desparately to sound to colleagues and clients like i'm on top of things.
>
> MairYou have just written exactly how I feel! This whole thread is how I feel. Trying to keep up appearances to family, at work, while not getting *nearly* enough done. I present normally at work and to family, though I present more as I really am to my therapist. I think what people at work see when I'm at my brutal worst is that I seem a bit tired. I often joke that I should get an Emmy award for my performance. Thanks folks for helping me feel less alone with this.
Emme
Posted by Mair on January 7, 2002, at 20:18:39
In reply to Re: a good response » Mair, posted by Emme on January 7, 2002, at 14:18:40
Emme - how do you feel when you get home from work? That's sort of the worst time for me (that and when I first wake up). I sort of withdraw/ retreat - my family is used to eating really late. It's tough - you feel bad about not being very productive at work and bad about not getting stuff done at home. Mostly I forget about what I "meant" to do until it's too late and i'm headed to bed.
Mair
Posted by Emme on January 8, 2002, at 15:54:52
In reply to Re: a good response » Emme, posted by Mair on January 7, 2002, at 20:18:39
> Emme - how do you feel when you get home from work? That's sort of the worst time for me (that and when I first wake up). I sort of withdraw/ retreat - my family is used to eating really late. It's tough - you feel bad about not being very productive at work and bad about not getting stuff done at home. Mostly I forget about what I "meant" to do until it's too late and i'm headed to bed.
>
> MairHi Mair. Coming home isn't so bad. It's just me, so at least I don't have to worry about feeding anyone else or anything. If I am exhausted that day, I have the luxury of hitting the couch. Morning is not pleasant for me either. When I first wake up I find myself thinking really sad thoughts. At work I mostly feel like a failure and have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing as well as I can with a difficult situation. But it is habit now to try to put my best foot forward and present as well as I can when I see family members and at work. Some of my trustworthy friends at work know about my mood disorder and that is fine. But there are others, especially those in charge, who I would rather not have know.
Emme
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