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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 2:35:19
when i was hospitalised in july, i met a nice well-read schizo poet with whom i got along with well. the problem is that he has become too dependent on me since our release from the hospital. he calls me multiple times every few days, calls me at work and at home, sometimes calm and other times drunk or wired raving raging about suicide, how everything is hopeless and how he is going to hang himslef. he is 35 yrs old, maybe i spoiled him too much when we got out of the hospital, i cleaned his apartment, bought him a nice shirt, washed and cut his hair, and now he is--well, i am his most genuine friend now. this saddens me. i'm not up for the constant phonecalls, i don't know how to handle the suicide threats, i feel really muddled about all of this because he is in such a bad spot, a grey-haored 35 yr-old extreme schizo-affective alcoholic on disability yes he can write poetry and disciss hesse and sartre at length ut that doesn't change the fact thathe is horribly *depressing* i want help him but i don't know what do to. what do i do when he calls me at work to tell me i am the executor of all of his writing in case he offs himself, my manager is prodding me to get off the phone and the friend is ranting that he is such a loser and wants to hang himself?
in a quandry,
sar
Posted by KB on September 16, 2001, at 7:44:53
In reply to this friend o mine, posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 2:35:19
You are NOT responsible for his behavior!!!
It sounds like you need to set some limits as in "I care about you, but you can't call me at work" - and then enforce them by just hanging up the phone!!!
If you are seriously concerned about the suicide threats then you have to call the police, unless you can talk him into going back to the hospital on his own.
Posted by NikkiT2 on September 16, 2001, at 8:41:52
In reply to Re: this friend o mine, posted by KB on September 16, 2001, at 7:44:53
Thats a hard one.. I purposely avoided any clsoe friendships while in hospital, and didn;t even tell anyone where abouts Ilived as I was scared of being contacted...
I agree with KB, you must set some limits with this guy. Tell him your boss doesn;t like personal calls at work so he mustn;t call you there...
I dunno what else to say though.. I hpoe someone comes up with some gem of advice!
Nikki x
Posted by dreamer on September 16, 2001, at 10:10:09
In reply to this friend o mine, posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 2:35:19
Sar,
I relate to your problem my childish alchie mother threatens to kill herself . She called yesterday with this ,it drains u doesn't it especially at the wrong time .I call them EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES. They- well in my xperience are unaware that they are draggin u down.Unfortunately some of these types of needy insecure people seem not to have the strength or enlightening xperience to get well.
Time to say enoughs enough if its draggin you down because eventually youll get so tired of it youll get angry and just wont care.
Leave it to the professionals he obviously isn't getting the right med/help .Only so much u can do, u have a big warm heart u little sweetykitty.
Dr.Eamer
Posted by shelliR on September 16, 2001, at 12:13:38
In reply to this friend o mine, posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 2:35:19
Hi Sar,
I've been there, and now make conscious attempts as Nikki did, not to make friends (different from acting friendly) in the hospital.
I don't think desperate need, either yours or another's is grounds for a friendship. That being said, you have already made the mistake, and now have to move on to damage control.. Do you want this person is your life at all now? (Be honest with yourself.) Because the not taking calls from him at work seems like a very clear boundary, but do you want him to continue calling you at home? Aside from "helping him" do you get anything positive out of the relationship?
If the answer is yes, then continue to take calls from him *when* it is convenient to you. And practice saying, "I'm overwhelmingly busy right now; can't talk", or "I'm feeling very fragile, myself right now; can't talk", and say," take care" and hang up. And tell him under no circumstances is he to call you at work; that it threatens your job, and in no circumstances do you want to talk about suicide, that threatens your stability. If you want this person out of your life, then you can try constantly not having the time to talk to him and maybe he'll get it and disappear.. If not, you'll probably have to do the "speech", leaving him with as much pride as possible. " You are a very talented, interesting guy, but I didn't realize how much your depression would overwhelm me. Perhaps you could find a support group" or " I need to explore the positive parts of life, have a new boyfriend and work friends, and think I feel more comfortable having friends around the same age as me. But I think you have a lot going for you and I wish you the best in conquering your depression." or whatever. . If you want this guy out, I think it is better to definitively do it, and get it over with. Remember this guy was depressed before he met you; if you cut him out of your life, it may sting, but you will not be the cause of his depression. Maybe this is where the sar bitch comes in. It is really not bitchy though, you will both end up angry and hurt if a relationship continues that is not resiprocol. Better to stop it now, if it is heading in that direction, anyway.
BTW, what I am suggesting is not easy, but will save you a lot of unnecessary turmoil. Life is precious; you learned something, now you have to move on.
Shelli (a been there, done that, consultant :-) )
Posted by Wendy B. on September 17, 2001, at 8:51:28
In reply to Re: this friend o mine » sar, posted by shelliR on September 16, 2001, at 12:13:38
Posted by sar on September 17, 2001, at 9:22:02
In reply to Re: this friend o mine » sar, posted by shelliR on September 16, 2001, at 12:13:38
dear all,
thanks for the good advice!
i think my problem is that i have a marytr complex. i don't really want him in my life as much as he is, but i taking care of people really thrills me in some way purely for selfish reasons.
i've decided to tell him not to call me at work anymore. no one has ever called me at work so excessively, screaming about suicide is a red alarm that i'm a sucker for, a stoopid one tho! i've got to tell him to get a therapist or if he threatens suicide on me i'll tell him i'm going to call the police...he's attempted suicide 14 times with pills, and he told me that a doctor once suggested that next time he use a gun. i just feel horrible that he lives in this existence and that beneath all of the craziness is a truly beautiful, compassionate, poetic person...he's just covered in this depressing schizo-sludge drunk right now...
i am one half and it's my responsibility to tone the relationship down to what *i* want it to be too, if he feels all the freedom to call me so much i should feel just as much freedom to set clearer boundaries.
he doesn't want to save himself, he wants someone else to save him, he says all he needs is to fall in love and everything will be all right...and i don't know if he has his sights set on me...that would just add another sticky discomfort, i've no idea...
i'm just writing all of this out for myself. still trying to figure it out. if you've read this far, treat yourself to a moonpie and some penny candy, sweets.
the taoist says: do nothing. the fact that i don't ever call him must say a lil something, as his calls have decreased.
i wish you could save people
i hate the truth.
thanks for the wisdom, KB, Nikki, dreamer, Shelli, and Wendy.
love,
sar
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