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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by smylin on April 12, 2001, at 20:20:02
Hello,
Right now I'm kind of low. I was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar type II but I have suffered for years with it undiagnosed and untreated. I also recently moved away from my best friend of 6 years. (the only true best friend I've ever had) Well, she came to visit and I disclosed the info to her and now nothing. Not a phone call, note, e-mail. She's mad at me because I never told her that I had been in treatment all the time we were friends. I mean what was I supposed to tell her? That I had an unspecified mental illness??? I guess I should have trusted her but I had been hurt so many times before by people who said they were my friends. I am really confused and just wanted to know if anyone else out there had an opinion on this subject???
Posted by Todd on April 12, 2001, at 22:54:00
In reply to friends you thought you had , posted by smylin on April 12, 2001, at 20:20:02
Hi, Smylin. I had the same thing happen to me after I was hospitalized for my manic break. I had a rather new friend that I wasn't really close to yet at the time. When he went away to college, we briefly lost touch. I was hospitalized at the beginning of the spring semester, and he didn't find out about it until summer came along and he came back home.
I can still remember us getting back together and me saying "Oh yeah, by the way, I went a little crazy and spent some time in the hospital while you were away." He was incredulous and obviously hurt, leaving me quite puzzled as you may be right now. I didn't know what to make of it, and thought he was almost trying to pry into my life. Since then, we have become very close friends. Looking back, I was very insecure and my self-esteem was weak at the time. It took some degree of reflection years later to realize that he cared a hell of a lot more about me than I had imagined possible at the time. What I saw as a "defect" in his character was actually the stuff true friendship is made of. I distrusted him because of my own weak self-esteem. And because of his own low self-esteem, he distrusted me because he felt insulted that I didn't value him enough to keep him informed about my personal life.
So here we were, two young men looking at each other with suspicion and distrust when in actuality both of us truly needed and saw in the other the potential for a true friendship. We were just too afraid to really go for it. Thank God we didn't get mired down in that surface gunk. Below all of that is a soul that wants to connect. Reach out to your friend, take her hand as she takes yours. Hold on loosely, but don't ever let her go. You need friends like that. They're the only ones who will be there when you stumble, and they'll be the ones cheering you on when you start to walk again. Peace and love.
Todd
Posted by mila on April 13, 2001, at 0:26:58
In reply to Re: friends you thought you had » smylin, posted by Todd on April 12, 2001, at 22:54:00
hi Smylin,
i can tell you how it feels from othe side. I happen to be the one who found it impossible to relate to the person who told me that she was clinically depressed. She is very charming and outgoing generally and I couldn't get enough of her. Once she told me about her struggle with depression she suddenly transformed herself into a writhing ball of pain. The gap that I glanced into was so deep, dark, and extraordinary we both got petrified. I guess we both became stupefied after witnessing the limits of human experience. It is hard to be on the edge, you know. Somewhere in the middle, where normality, or at least the pretense at normality lies is easier for us. That is why i never tell my friends about my depression. Third of them shuts down, third ignores what I say, for they do not know what i mean, and the rest start to treat me as if there was something wrong with me, in a 'nursing', mothering fashion. I have yet to find a friend who would see me with my condition as a person who faces a rather normal and common challenge in life. But hey, I do not lose any hopes. I am still young, and keep finding new friends all the time. People are wonderful to be with.
love
mila
Posted by coral on April 13, 2001, at 7:54:23
In reply to friends you thought you had , posted by smylin on April 12, 2001, at 20:20:02
I can relate to the sense of loss you're feeling. When I experienced a clinical depression, my sister pointed out that it was just a character flaw, a weakness. I was going through the worst time of my life and her words to me were more hurtful than I can express.
With friends, the ones who understand most fully are those who have had some experience, directly or indirectly, with depression. Other friends with no experience but who do have empathy, are there for me. The rest --- well, they fall into the "acquaintance" category.
Posted by sar on April 13, 2001, at 19:36:39
In reply to friends you thought you had , posted by smylin on April 12, 2001, at 20:20:02
Hi Smylin,
I'm sorry about what happened with your friend! I don't see that you've done anything wrong because, as the other posters pointed out, different people react in different ways. How are we to be 100% sure about whether they'll feel freaked out by the information or love us a little bit more for it? Could you explain this to her?
I have 2 BP aquaintances and one has brought it up in passing before--I wasn't scared off, in fact in my mind I give both of em props for being such tough cookies. In my experience, occasionally referring to my own depression/anxiety hasn't been detrimental in most cases, it's probably just confirmed what other people might already have a sense of. Some have sighed and looked away, some have glossed over it, but the best conversations have come from people who have experienced it themselves, because then we can talk about causes/meds etc, and I think it creates a quiet kind of bond. The trouble for me has come in what Ted and Mila discussed--I've tried to hide my depression completely (missed out on some support that way) and I've also been the "writhing ball of pain" (one of my oldest friends is currently not talking to me for being that ball a little (a lot?)too much).
Moderation. Telling the right people. Best friends deserve this information, they are the perfect people for it. They're also the perfect people not to pour a lot of mental garbage on.
I think it was noble of you not to want to worry her about it, maybe you can just trust her a bit more...? Hope it works out for you.
irie,
sar
Posted by ShelliR on April 14, 2001, at 15:23:04
In reply to Re: friends you thought you had , posted by sar on April 13, 2001, at 19:36:39
> Moderation. Telling the right people. Best friends deserve this information, they are the perfect people for it. They're also the perfect people not to pour a lot of mental garbage on.
>Sar,
I wish I had been as perceptive at your age. It took me quite a bit longer to learn what you wrote, and it makes a tremendous difference in the quality of friendships.
Shelli
Posted by smylin on April 14, 2001, at 19:28:11
In reply to Re: friends you thought you had » sar, posted by ShelliR on April 14, 2001, at 15:23:04
Hello all,
Well I received an e-mail from my friend today and she just needed some time to process it all. She said that she knew that something had been really wrong but she had sensed me holding back. So, all in all, she has turned out to be a true friend indeed.
I'd like to thank all who responded, it really helped me keep some perspective on who should know and who should not.
Thanks,
Smylin
Posted by DarkWind on April 15, 2001, at 1:52:02
In reply to friends you thought you had , posted by smylin on April 12, 2001, at 20:20:02
i've related what's going on with me to three friends. one of them is a grad student, studying psychology and going through major depression, himself - he understands fully; but he lives about a thousand miles away from me. the second is a nurse - he doesn't believe in depression; but other than that he hasn't backed off from me or alienated me. the third, my girlfriend, is also a nurse - she's quite supportive and does her best to be understanding.
what's so ironic about this is that my parents, whom i've also told about being diagnosed with major depression, have no understanding of what's going on. i get no support from them in this, in fact i get quite the opposite.
so i guess we all react differently, and so do the people in our lives. i read your follow-up posting and i'm glad that you're reaching a level of understanding with your friend...friends are valuable.
This is the end of the thread.
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